To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

Completely understand. Both my fiance and I are introverts and I'm glad to be living with another introvert. We enjoy the small things in life, taking things slow, and are comfortable with natural silence. I welcome silence and my thoughts so I can process them, learn from them, become a better person and live in the moment.

It's the handful of get-togethers with his family in the year that I dread. The mindless chatter drains me. The passive aggressive comments and body language toward me that makes me insecure and small. I'd rather play a game with them or do yard work together. This actually sounds like fun. Anything more interesting than sitting around for hours listening to them and stroking their egos. It's the insecurity, the anger, the arrogance, the boring conversations. Suffocating.

Me and my fiance do have our louder moments. But I think the difference with introverts is that those moments are natural and real and actually fun. Not induced by alcohol or insecurity or fakeness.

As you can see this affects me as well, if that gives you some reassurance. Reading your post I don't see anything wrong with you. You're in a minority. But you have so many treasures inside that they don't possess.

Honestly the older I get the less I want to be out there around that punishing dynamic, and I'm ok with that. I'm actually happier enjoying my life. I don't need parties. I prefer gardens and my home, hiking, cooking, art, etc. I find other introverts or like minded people. I enjoy deeper, interesting conversations.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of those comments. Thats hard on you and totally unnecessary.

Wow, I have come across my people.
All through my life I have been described as quiet, shy and nervous.
I hate that at nearly 40, I am more shy than ever. Yet people say it gets better with time and you become more confident. This is definitely not the case for me.
Always had great school reports but told I was very quiet and didn't speak up enough in class. In college had a snide tutor who would make comments like 'Pandworld hasn't opened her mouth today so she can answer this question.' I had to do placements as part of my college course and the same thing, 'She's just so quiet !'. Then going to work and people being surprised I could run fast, that I could score a basketball goal and that I liked desperate housewives because again 'You are so quiet.'
I've never felt good enough and it's made me really dislike myself. I am very introverted, private and hate small talk but I know I am a kind and thoughtful person yet that side gets overlooked.
Extroverts are always seen as more superior. I remember when I was young, about 23, an older colleague really liked me and sort of mothered me a bit, text me outside of work. A mutual colleague was really surprised as presumably she felt I wasn't 'good enough' or exciting enough for this extroverted, confident lady to give the time of day to. 😞

Your male colleague constantly pulling you up on being ‘nervous’ is an arsehole. Even if you were nervous, having someone constantly comment on that isn’t going to help.

That aside, these kinds of threads always leave me thoughtful. A lot of posters will argue the world is set up for extroverts and to an extent that may be true, but I’m not sure people who are very introverted realise how much work can be involved in ensuring their involvement and participation.

I’m not particularly extroverted but I am confident in company and happy to participate in conversations, meeting etc. I have learned that decisions are made by the people who show up - and that doesn’t just mean physically, it means the people who are willing to get their views across and share in a task. I manage a colleague who is extremely quiet and reserved. She has very good ideas and we have benefitted from her contributions in the past. But getting her to a point where she will make those contributions is an enormous effort. I don’t always have time to do what is required to secure her participation. As a result, despite the fact that she has useful contributions to make she’s not seen as an innovator or good strategist by the wider company. It holds her back.

The same is obviously also true for the extremely extroverted. It’s equally hard for me to manage the contributions of people who verbalise every thought, are extremely over confident and want to be in charge of everything all the time. I don’t think these people actually do any better than extreme introverts, whatever the perception is that the world is made for extroverts.

There is a vast, happy middle for people who are able to express themselves calmly and with appropriate confidence, regardless of where they sit on the introvert / extrovert spectrum, and the best solution is to find strategies that allow you to occupy this space.

My dad was mostly quiet. He was seen as intellectual (well he was) and 'slow to warm up'.

I'm the same but often thought to be standoffish or cold.

I can't stand loudmouths when insist on being the centre of the universe! I have observed that such people aren't as 'popular' as they think/would hope.

I had a team member who was always in everyone's face, always had to be the centre of attention. She was sleeping with the boss so that didn't help. Everyone was all over her and treated her like the queen Bee. As soon as she left so many people were saying that they couldn't stand her, thought she was full of herself, tolerated her and - quite amusingly - about three guys told me that she was all over them !