To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

What a really horrible thread.

@drpet49

* Quiet people are great but the ones who make no effort whatsoever and sit there with a face on while you do all the work when you are stuck together are rude and infuriating.*

^Completelt agree with this

Assuming 'doing all the work' means making all the conversation, this shouldn't be infuriating.

Some people won't chat for a variety of reasons including social anxiety. Sometimes they truly don't know what to say. When I'm in a situation with someone who is obviously not going to participate in a converation but I need to be around them for whatever reason, I just say things that don't require a response and keep it light. If you get infuriated that's something you need to work on.

I think saying to someone that they are so quiet is extremely rude. It is never meant as a compliment.
I am a quiet person and my dd is quiet too. However I am so careful not to call her 'quiet' or 'shy'. I praise her when I see her do her something that I know might have been hard for her to try to build her confidence. I was called quiet and shy a lot as a child and it was so upsetting. It still sticks with me now. I would never comment to somebody about an aspect of their personality.
I do think a lot of aspects of life is a lot easier for extroverts and those people who are naturally warm and friendly. I try my best and would hate to make people feel uncomfortable to talk to me. However I will never be the life and soul of the party.
It does take all kinds.

@Lifewith

I hear you op. I can be very sociable and chatty when I want to be, other times I don't feel the need to and only talk when I have something to say. I've had it all my life too, since school when being criticised for it.

Keep being yourself. I try to remember quick lines to reply back when I get it but other times I can't be bothered.

Can you suggest any quick lines please?

@Evanna13

I think saying to someone that they are so quiet is extremely rude. It is never meant as a compliment. I am a quiet person and my dd is quiet too. However I am so careful not to call her 'quiet' or 'shy'. I praise her when I see her do her something that I know might have been hard for her to try to build her confidence. I was called quiet and shy a lot as a child and it was so upsetting. It still sticks with me now. I would never comment to somebody about an aspect of their personality. I do think a lot of aspects of life is a lot easier for extroverts and those people who are naturally warm and friendly. I try my best and would hate to make people feel uncomfortable to talk to me. However I will never be the life and soul of the party. It does take all kinds.

Don’t know if you believe but I always manage to f

at the same time I was pleasant and made at least a small effort to be pleasant and to take an interest in people around me. People who can’t even be bothered with that are not special precious flowers, they’re entitled arseholes.

This struck a nerve with me. I'll always endeavour to be pleasant with people but whether or not I take an interest in you depends entirely on how good the chemistry is between us. My interest in you is not something you are entitled to by default and I am not being the arsehole here, nor some special precious flower, just for not readily being an open book.

@ThurstonArmbrister

at the same time I was pleasant and made at least a small effort to be pleasant and to take an interest in people around me. People who can’t even be bothered with that are not special precious flowers, they’re entitled arseholes.

This struck a nerve with me. I'll always endeavour to be pleasant with people but whether or not I take an interest in you depends entirely on how good the chemistry is between us. My interest in you is not something you are entitled to by default and I am not being the arsehole here, nor some special precious flower, just for not readily being an open book.

I don’t think that poster meant ‘take an interest’ as in follow people’s every move, but it’s normal and pleasant to take an interest in people like colleagues in a small talk way. Asking how their day was, remembering if they were unwell last week and asking how they are now etc. Otherwise you can’t really have general conversations with these people and the chemistry won’t be good.

I know if the chemistry is good within a few minutes. Any interest in their small talk follows directly; either way I couldn't care less whether they are interested in mine or not.

@ThurstonArmbrister

I know if the chemistry is good within a few minutes. Any interest in their small talk follows directly; either way I couldn't care less whether they are interested in mine or not.

So if you don’t feel ‘chemistry’ within a few minutes with a colleague you work closely with you wouldn’t bother asking how their weekend was or if they’d had a nice holiday/done their Christmas shopping? You would just refuse to engage in polite small talk because you didn’t feel ‘chemistry’ after a few minutes?

Being quiet is one thing but realistically that’s just rude and would foster a bad atmosphere. I’m a quiet and introvert person but that’s what makes people think quiet people are rude. There’s a certain level of social interaction that’s expected, and it doesn’t take chemistry or effort to ask a colleague how they’re doing.

Why? Why is the quiet person rude and not the person trying to make unnecessary conversation? Why is it not appropriate? Surely it depends on the situation.

Sorry but quiet people can be hard work..

So can non quiet people of course !

It takes all sorts

@Chocoqueen

Why? Why is the quiet person rude and not the person trying to make unnecessary conversation? Why is it not appropriate? Surely it depends on the situation.

The was for @hangrylady

@Chocoqueen

Why? Why is the quiet person rude and not the person trying to make unnecessary conversation? Why is it not appropriate? Surely it depends on the situation.

Because in certain situations like when you work with someone every day, it’s polite and considered socially normal to make polite everyday conversation. Most people know that.

If someone’s just quiet that’s not rude, but the person above who said that unless they feel ‘chemistry’ in the first few minutes they’re not interested and don’t want to hear what the other person has to say? That’s not quiet it’s just rude.

I’m an introvert and I’ve always loved the line from Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice - “We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room”

However, I work in sales and meet with a lot of clients so I am also confident and outgoing when I have to be, meaning I can’t sit back and observe,

What I do find annoying is when I have to carry the conversational ball with people because they’ve chosen to be quiet and leave it to me. I’m more inclined to leave those people to it now, effort is a two-way street.

@Tigertigertigertiger

Sorry but quiet people can be hard work..

So can non quiet people of course !

It takes all sorts

All I can think is, oh poor you re: hard work. Well just leave them alone then, that's probably what they want 🤫 😄

YANBU at all. I'm at neither extreme on the extrovert/introvert scale myself but find it an interesting topic and have read 'Quiet'.

I think it's important for teachers to stop criticising pupils for being quiet. I'm a teacher myself and used to be guilty of this to an extent. I have more excuse than sone, because my subject (languages) is all about communication. However I gradually realised that a) some people are just quiet, they shouldn't be forced to change b) plenty of quiet kids do well in languages and c) most classrooms could do with having less extroverted behaviour and more quiet behaviour!

@fedup078

I get this all the time I was once threatened with losing my job (just office admin) for being too quiet

Now, I am a quiet person and I find nothing wrong about it. I like being an introverted and some chatty boxes lead me to exhaustion pretty quickly. But, there are people out there that takes it to other level! Including saying nothing, I mean, nothing, not even a word, when needed, like at work. If something happens, just say it! If you leave a piece of paper on someone's desk, just say hey there is X for you! Give a little explanation. Approach your colleague and tell them, what do you think I shall do if xyz happened? And they know it affects your job! I am not saying it was your case, fedup078, it is just we have a cases of virtual muteness at work, and it just leads to a waste of time for those working around, double than needed just because a person said nothing.

"So, it's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be socially capable. Quiet, loud, introvert, extrovert doesn't matter, but if you've reached adulthood and are unable to socially interact appropriately with others, whether that is because you speak too much or too little, then that is a problem which needs addressing"

I agree. I find it very annoying when blind people don't make the effort to see stuff, and when people in wheelchairs don't perceive that they simply need to work harder on walking. It's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be physically capable.

Oh wait.

Come off it, you don't really think that people with social understanding difficulties are in for the heck of it? That people with selective mutism or (possibly undiagnosed) autism just can't be arsed to be socially competent?

@SusannahHolmes

"So, it's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be socially capable. Quiet, loud, introvert, extrovert doesn't matter, but if you've reached adulthood and are unable to socially interact appropriately with others, whether that is because you speak too much or too little, then that is a problem which needs addressing"

I agree. I find it very annoying when blind people don't make the effort to see stuff, and when people in wheelchairs don't perceive that they simply need to work harder on walking. It's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be physically capable.

Oh wait.

Come off it, you don't really think that people with social understanding difficulties are in for the heck of it? That people with selective mutism or (possibly undiagnosed) autism just can't be arsed to be socially competent?

This obviously isn’t about those people with disabilities causing communication issues. This is referring to posters like the one above who says if she doesn’t feel instant chemistry with people she ‘isn’t interested’ and will deliberately not make the effort to engage in polite workplace chat.

@SusannahHolmes

"So, it's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be socially capable. Quiet, loud, introvert, extrovert doesn't matter, but if you've reached adulthood and are unable to socially interact appropriately with others, whether that is because you speak too much or too little, then that is a problem which needs addressing"

I agree. I find it very annoying when blind people don't make the effort to see stuff, and when people in wheelchairs don't perceive that they simply need to work harder on walking. It's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be physically capable.

Oh wait.

Come off it, you don't really think that people with social understanding difficulties are in for the heck of it? That people with selective mutism or (possibly undiagnosed) autism just can't be arsed to be socially competent?

But I don’t think anyone is talking about people with diagnosed conditions, mental or physical, for which, obviously, accommodations must be made. What people are talking about are NT people who, like the OP, consistently behave in ways that negatively impact their social and professional lives, claim they can do nothing about it, and are also quick to resent references to it, and to claim moral superiority over people they stereotypes as ‘loudmouths’/people ‘flapping their jaws’ etc.

And who completely misunderstand the introvert/extrovert spectrum.

I was actually thinking about this the other day. It's the opposite with me and my husband. I am really chatty etc and he is very quiet with other people. I am constantly told how different we are and then people go onto say opposites do attract.

We hade two children and one on is quiet and the other is v chatty. I always get comments about my quiet child and how quiet he is. The comments aren't an issue it's just it's not a comment being said in a good way.

I'm loud and I talk a lot and I can assure you that people point it out to me all the time. I certainly don't feel celebrated because of it!

You'll find that when you hear it on things like school reports framed as a 'bad' thing it's actually that the teacher believes the student would have something worth sharing with the class if they spoke more.
But yes even in adulthood it an be seen as weird by some people. I think it's part of the Americanisation of our culture and the whole 'go-getter' mindset.

It's always the introverts who "need bringing out of themselves" (we don't, we're happy where we are), isn't it? Nobody ever says the overbearing extroverts need pushing back into themselves.

🤣 DH never stops talking - just keeps saying everything in his head. It drives me bonkers sometimes (both working at home).

My boss used to comment that I was quiet in meetings until she realised that I was taking bites of everything and planning comments.