To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

Also @Gottahavehighhopes you have a good point!
People think ‘I shouldn’t have to say anything, work speaks for itself’ but unless you’re being micromanaged nobody’s going to know what exactly you have contributed. Bosses can give you resources for your development but you’re your own best advocate and have to remind them about how good you are. Furthermore you can have a lot of knowledge (quiet doesn’t mean dumb) but if you don’t share it who will know?

@MilkTooth

I’m not at all suggesting that loud show offs or insanely nosy people are the only alternatives to quiet people. I would suggest though that there are a lot of self congratulatory people who seem to think they’re doing other people a favour by filling in silences, asking a lot of questions, telling stories etc when in fact they can be just as tiresome as some people on this thread seem to think quiet people are. I met someone recently who bombarded me with questions about myself which I would argue is just as socially awkward as someone who spends more of their time listening to other people.

I’m not sure if you’ve aimed your comment at me about ‘a wide range of people finding you hard to be around in social settings’ but just because people have commented about me being quiet doesn’t mean this at all. I make friends easily and am actually very sociable.

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions for someone who initially seemed to upset about people missing the nuances of introversion/extroversion etc.

So why the criticism of talkative people? Why not just put the point about quietness not being a problem etc which is totally fair and right without insulting other types?? I dont get it why does one have to be better than the other?
I am chatty and i can assure you i am kind, thoughtful and empathic, I dont expect others to be other than they are and certainly dont feel the need to put others down.

@TrueGrit54

Cordyceps oh dear, I don’t think you would like me, I definitely haven’t signed any ‘social contract’ .

lol me either

Cherry people are fine (my mum never took a breath) but when they put you in the spot or complain that you are too quiet, that’s the problem. You can’t help being shy.

Im fed up always having me being quiet when I first met certain (very extrovert) people thrown at me in rows as evidence of my aloofness and bad upbringing (leave my parents out of it!). I never tell a talkative person to shut up, or that they are babbling nonsense. I get it - some people are extroverts and some are introverts.

Chatty bit cherry...

What I would like, whether it be in a school or workplace, is for there to be some understanding that speaking out in a room full of people can be a more daunting prospect for some, even if they’ve got something worthwhile to say, and they may need help, encouragement or guidance to facilitate making a verbal contribution. That might mean a teacher or chairperson (politely!) shooshing a few people and being more directive.

The problem comes when people are told they are too quiet in a given situation and it’s left at that.

I’m always being told I’m quiet, it’s so annoying. Maybe I just don’t want to listen to people’s crap all the time! I love our house because it’s a quiet sanctuary and it actually feels weird when people come over and start being loud.

Totally agree! Hate the assumption that quiet people are rude.

I think it’s the fact that quiet people are often put down as if the only right way to be in society is chatty and outgoing. But there can actually be faults both with being too loud and with being too quiet.

There are also a lot of outgoing people who seem to think they’re doing quiet people a massive favour by domineering conversations etc when that just simply isn’t true.
There is nothing wrong with different personality types, it’s just tiresome when one seems to be more valued than the other.

To be very honest, I think being ‘quiet and reserved’ comes across as aloof, dull or suspicious in many social or work settings. People think you lack interest in them, or don’t want to get to know them.

Conversation and building rapport is a skill. The more you practice the better you can connect with others, network and find like minded friends. You learn how to adapt to different social situations and people. How to be liked and considered warm and friendly. Being quiet yet warm and friendly is totally different to quiet but cold and distant. You need to show you’re making an effort to connect and find common ground, not looking for an escape. There are times you have no interest in chatting or knowing someone better, but social etiquette and work mean you need to come across as interested!

Appearing constantly nervous is off putting. It puts others on edge, or they feel they must bend over backwards to help you relax. What are you doing to seem nervous? Get rid of bad habits like twitching or shaking your leg/foot, fiddling with things (hair, keys, pen), speak loudly enough to be heard and not too fast, make eye contact, listen attentively and respond warmly.

I say all this as an introvert who spent my 20s being shunned by people who found my quietness and anxious demeanour off putting.

Yep the world is set up for extroverts - or anyway inbetweeners which is where most of us fall.

It must be annoying. The only thing I would say is SOME careers and jobs do involve being able to project yourself, so if you aren’t advancing as you want, or people regularly assume you are nervous when you aren’t, you may want to adjust how you present in the work place a little.

Also it seems to be much more culturally acceptable to tell someone to their face that they’re quiet, I don’t think people would say to someone ‘you’re so loud’ unless they were deliberately trying to antagonise.

I was quiet shamed. Ok so my name is Sharon and at school I was just a joke Shy Sharon, don't be Shy Sharon's friend she is so quiet she is mute, Shy Sharon doesn't speak. I'm much older now but it's stayed with me. Yes I'm a quiet person and It made me grow up feeling very embarrassed of who I am.

I agree. I worked as a retail manager and every single performance review started with "You're very quiet...."

One manager I had who was also a quiet person once said I'd a quiet way of getting things done, which I thought was a much nicer way of putting it.

Yes! I have had a 'friend' apologise for me. We had gone out to have a coffee and she wanted to sit with a group that was there so I agreed. I was OK listening and saying the odd thing now and again. But at one point she actually said 'Sorry about couch, she's always been the quiet one'.
All she achieved with that comment was to make me feel bad and everyone else feel awkward. I've not been out with her since.

*To be very honest, I think being ‘quiet and reserved’ comes across as aloof, dull or suspicious in many social or work settings. People think you lack interest in them, or don’t want to get to know them.

Conversation and building rapport is a skill. The more you practice the better you can connect with others, network and find like minded friends.*

I agree with @FateHasRedesignedMost. I'm a naturally reserved person and diagnosed with anxiety (have received help for it). I know that I used to make other people feel awkward, but I'm much better at chatting and making them feel relaxed now. Once someone's relaxed with you, the conversation flows more freely and that's when you move beyond the chit-chat onto interesting topics.

It's taken me years to learn this, but I agree that conversation is a skill and it can be very useful!

There are times you have no interest in chatting or knowing someone better, but social etiquette and work mean you need to come across as interested!

That's true. And the other thing is that even extroverts aren't naturally always great at this.

People who babble without listening, observing or reading social cues and talk about themselves without leaving space for others are often more nervous than quiet, reserved people. Many apparent extroverts actually suffer from severe social anxiety but it just manifests in different ways.

Most people find socialising is a skill that has to be learned over time and take some application and requires overcoming some fear and anxiety. It's not only the quiet/shy people who may be struggling with this.

I'm a quiet person. And seek solitude to recharge after lots of social interaction.

However, I'm more than capable of holding a conversation, I just don't need it and don't need to be the centre of attention.

I wouldn't say to someone 'God you talk a lot!' but loads of people feel very comfortable in telling me I've got something wrong with my personality. I think they are probably very insecure, do it as a way of putting other people down and see quiet people as an easy target.

I've also had a friend of a friend comment on me 'being shy' when she saw me at a kids party. We hardly know eachother and she hadn't said anything more to me, than I had her I know what you mean by people deciding that they know what you are about and making judgements based on nothing at all.

As for school, I think teachers say things like "I wish Susan would participate more" because they genuinely find it hard to assess a student who doesn't join in much or volunteer answers. It can be hard to tell whether they are quiet because they are shy, or because they don't understand or they are deliber ately avoiding a subject. It would be nice if teachers didn't assume the worst based on someone's shyness, but equally, I think it is fair enough for them to comment in a professional context.

I would hope that my DS’s teacher would not see a major part of his personality as a problem, and instead encourage him by asking him even if his hand isn’t up, pairing him with another thoughtful child and getting to know him generally. Alas, instead every parents’ eve since time began they just say ‘I wish he’d volunteer more answers’.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

What I would like, whether it be in a school or workplace, is for there to be some understanding that speaking out in a room full of people can be a more daunting prospect for some, even if they’ve got something worthwhile to say, and they may need help, encouragement or guidance to facilitate making a verbal contribution. That might mean a teacher or chairperson (politely!) shooshing a few people and being more directive.

The problem comes when people are told they are too quiet in a given situation and it’s left at that.

As @Constellationstation said it seems acceptable to tell people that they're quiet. This is rude, unconstructive and should be called out.

In other settings it depends on what 'quiet' means. For specific situations like public speaking and meetings there is a lot of support as it's well understood that speaking in front of a crowd can be daunting. Where I work there are courses like 'running an effective meeting' ; ensuring balanced contributions is highlighted as an important skill.

However if everyone else has generally been able to speak you wouldn't ask specific people for a contribution - you'd assume they have nothing to say. And the OP appearing visibly nervous - I don't quite know what that means.

In any case 'quiet' isnt' a good term to use. At the end of the day the skills are forming a connection , being confident etc so that should be focused on rather than a word that's use somewhat pejoratively. It's a parents' job to understand and work with their children and for employees, the line manager

I remember in primary school we were reading a book and there was a character who was quiet and shy and he was described as a ‘loner’ - like that was a bad thing! He just liked his own company...

A lot of comments on this thread are rude and judgemental. I can't speak (haha) for all quiet people but quite often I'm desperate to speak and just can't force the words out of my mouth. You might think I'm rude or making your life difficult or whatever but I literally can't help it. It's slightly easier as I get older, as a child it was really bad. I used to trace out the words I was trying to say on my leg or on the table with my finger.
I work with children and I'm so conscious to avoid saying "you're too quiet", I give the "quiet children" non-verbal options such as flashcards and we are learning Makaton. I know they can speak as they speak normally with their friends. No good will come from forcing people to speak when they can't or don't want to.

I'm quiet, and confident in it. I don't see it as a deficiency, and I consider myself calm.

WFH during the pandemic was an interesting experience. My manager is extremely extroverted and in the office, it can be hard to actually get a word in edgeways. Yet, speaking to them over the phone, it's much easier to hold a two-way conversation where they actually have to listen to me.

Not all extroverts are like this, but honestly, I think that the ones who complain about people being too quiet often need to just be quiet themselves and actually give us the opportunity to talk, and maybe they'd be surprised.

I am quiet but not shy. I speak when I need to. I can travel alone, ask for directions, speak to strangers, hold my own in interviews and present to an audience confidently.

Over the years I have had a number of colleagues mention my quietness which I found rude. I grew up feeling embarrassed and ashamed at being quiet. I rarely felt accepted in my family home as my parents would refer to my quietness and compare me to my siblings and cousins. I struggled greatly at navigating high school, I was not cut out for it; the dynamics, competitiveness, finding my tribe. I felt that everyone was given a handbook except me.

An ex manager raised my quietness to the point it was verging on subtle bullying. It was mentioned in the company of others and I felt singled out. I clearly made her feel uncomfortable and she wanted more of an insight into my life. Her comments meant I shut down and pulled back completely.

Many loud and extrovert people believe either everyone should be like them or everyone secretly wishes to be like them. It reeks of arrogance.