To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

Elliebelle, I like the sound of your strategies. The name of the game is to help everyone communicate and connect in ways that are comfortable for them.

Quietness is fine. For example what @Lovinglife45 describes,

I am quiet but not shy. I speak when I need to. I can travel alone, ask for directions, speak to strangers, hold my own in interviews and present to an audience confidently.

is great. That's someone who is socially adept, but just happens to be a bit quieter.

But, being socially inept isn't OK, and is a failing that should be addressed. Things such as not being able to converse appropriately - e.g ask for directions/order in a restaurant/deal with common more difficult issues (making a return, addressing poor work, sending a meal back, asking for payment), not being able to answer in anything other than monosyllables, not being able to communicate your needs/not being able to ascertain other people's needs, not being able to hold your own at a work function/meeting/social event, not being able to work as part of a team aren't being "quiet", they are being socially inept, and they are a problem.

Many people who socially inept describe themselves as "quiet". It's not generally the quietness that people have a problem with, its the inability to be able to function in social situations or converse appropriately.

In the same way, there's nothing wrong with people being "loud". There is a problem if they are socially inept and unable to give other people a chance to speak, consider other people's feelings, always dominate the room etc.

So, it's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be socially capable. Quiet, loud, introvert, extrovert doesn't matter, but if you've reached adulthood and are unable to socially interact appropriately with others, whether that is because you speak too much or too little, then that is a problem which needs addressing.

Totally agree. My in-laws didn't take to me at all when I first started dating OH; I was very quiet and they were offended by it, and perceived it as rudeness. Luckily, things are fine now, but it still irks me when I think how little they tried to understand me.

@KittenKong

I remember in primary school we were reading a book and there was a character who was quiet and shy and he was described as a ‘loner’ - like that was a bad thing! He just liked his own company...

*Sorry for essay, drank wine and am now in philosophical mode* The world is run on relationships. Not necessarily in a 'nepotism' kind of way. But that the majority of problem solving needs support. I'm in a programmer (a profession famously portrayed as full of the people you describe). It's actually the opposite for most 'good' roles! Most of what you do relies on other people's work so you have to make decisions together. If nobody sees the value of what you're doing months of work could be canned just like that so you need to convince people and gain their trust.

The true value of an employee is the multiplier effect. No matter how much of a technical genius you are you only have so many hours to work. So your individual contribution is less valuable than someone who gets the best out of other people. That's why managerial talent (although there are bad managers and everyone jokes about this, like Dilbert) is worth so much. People leave bad teams and bosses rather than bad 'jobs' in terms of work.

In terms of life as well knowing people makes life easier. I have been saved by other people more times that I care to count. I'm very logical and dislike 'feel-good' stuff but have to accept that I'm human. It's easy to not be bothered by not having anybody around when life's good but when it's not. As much as I like my own company and hate depending or needing other people I have to accept that life's better with them in it. It only took 2 decades...

@MsEmmeline

I find that I'm quite sensitive to signals that other people are just chatting for the sake of it, or that they're not particularly interested in what someone else is saying. So, I suppose I limit speaking to more genuine conversation that both parties want to take part in. Does anyone else feel like this?

YES!!

I’ve been at parties and got far too “aware of where I am”

posted too soon..

— and felt like everyone was acting a part.

@FabriqueBelgique

posted too soon..

— and felt like everyone was acting a part.

yeah, it was clear when people didn;t click but couldn't extricate themselves awkwardest thing ever

I'm with you.

I'm a natural introvert. At school, I would dread being told to read aloud. At several parents evenings, the teachers would say that I need to contribute more, put my hand up more. Why should someone be forced to do something that makes them uncomfortable? To make the teacher's job easier? Everyone is different and it should be respected. No one should be forced to become something they're not.

I find that when I truly trust and like someone, friends, family etc, I am a bit louder because I am comfortable with them. If you first met me, you'd think I was quiet. Because I am most of the time. It's like unless you're screaming and shouting, a lot of people can't be bothered to get to know you.

People who say things like, "you're so quiet!" are dicks.

I would say that I'm quiet.

It takes me a bit to feel comfortable enough to join in & put my views forward for example.

It's a shame that some people wouldn't recognise this & think of it as being rude/aloof.

I obviously wouldn't ignore people but might give a basic reply at first until I felt more comfortable.

But I'm also making others feel uncomfortable because I'm not joining in as much as they want me too??

@PlanktonsComputerWife

People can't learn anything while they're flapping their jaw constantly and seldom have anything worth listening to to say. Those who talk for talking's sake are utterly tiresome.

It's probably no coincidence that my favourite art form is ballet.

My friend and I spent an hour just sewing together recently, chatted a bit but mostly just enjoyed the cosiness and listened to music. It was blissful.

Yes and there's nothing wrong with that if you are friends, as it will have been comfortable silence. If you are in a social situation with people you don't know well then silence is not appropriate. It's awkward and rude if another person is trying to be friendly and make conversation. You are not superior or more intelligent to those "flapping their jaw", you're just lacking social skills IMO.

@mrsm43s

Quietness is fine. For example what *@Lovinglife45* describes,

I am quiet but not shy. I speak when I need to. I can travel alone, ask for directions, speak to strangers, hold my own in interviews and present to an audience confidently.

is great. That's someone who is socially adept, but just happens to be a bit quieter.

But, being socially inept isn't OK, and is a failing that should be addressed. Things such as not being able to converse appropriately - e.g ask for directions/order in a restaurant/deal with common more difficult issues (making a return, addressing poor work, sending a meal back, asking for payment), not being able to answer in anything other than monosyllables, not being able to communicate your needs/not being able to ascertain other people's needs, not being able to hold your own at a work function/meeting/social event, not being able to work as part of a team aren't being "quiet", they are being socially inept, and they are a problem.

Many people who socially inept describe themselves as "quiet". It's not generally the quietness that people have a problem with, its the inability to be able to function in social situations or converse appropriately.

In the same way, there's nothing wrong with people being "loud". There is a problem if they are socially inept and unable to give other people a chance to speak, consider other people's feelings, always dominate the room etc.

So, it's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be socially capable. Quiet, loud, introvert, extrovert doesn't matter, but if you've reached adulthood and are unable to socially interact appropriately with others, whether that is because you speak too much or too little, then that is a problem which needs addressing.

Unless you have a disability like autsim where this would be extremely difficult, if not impossible for some. Or does that need addressing or curing as well?

Not everyone needs to be the same. They do not. What you see as socially acceptable, others do not.

Do you ever tell the people who say you are quiet, that it is rude to make personal remarks.

I say to these people that I would never comment on people. I tell them that I find some people loud and annoying but I would not say it. Paddington stare. This cuts off a lot of would be bullies, who are thinking of making a laugh of my quietness

I agree 100%, I really don't understand why it's considered such a flaw. My whole life I've been unfavourably compared to my extremely loud, self confident sister ('polar opposites", "chalk & cheese" "OMG - can't believe you're her sister - you're so quiet!"). Thing is, I don't actually think I'm that quiet anymore and am certainly very chatty with people I know well and feel at ease with. However, I still can't shake the image. I was very upset a few years ago when it got back to me that a very loud school mum I hardly knew described me as "timid". Mind you, she said it in response to discovering who my sister was (she knew her from elsewhere) and I guess many people could be described as timid in comparison to my larger than life sibling!

I am more on the quiet side, but can do public speaking well or teach well, because it is a defined role with techniques you can learn to be effective. Chit-chat though stymied me for quite a while, so I learned to ask people about themselves, and made polite encouraging noises and then asked related questions. So it wasn’t so daunting, I made a game out of it…read a book by Dale Carnegie on how to make friends and influence people, rehearsed and learned the techniques. People generally like to talk about themselves, and it made them feel good. I learned a couple of personal anecdotes about a pet or something innocuous if they asked as it made me seem friendlier. I made an effort to remember people’s names quickly, something that also helped in teaching…students were impressed if I could call them by their name in a class of 30 after the first session. I swotted with photographs, the names of the students or colleagues, and their interests put on index cards, literally flash cards. Made my job a lot easier.

The resultant behaviour seemed to satisfy students, work colleagues or bosses so win-win, as there were no disparaging remarks or complaints about me being quiet. And I got promoted after I made an effort at it, so it worked…once I was promoted, there was less teaching and more research, so I got more quiet time (bonus). Really most of the time, I can be alone very happily or with one or two close friends or DH. I needed a break after a lot of conversation with colleagues. Retirement is better because I can be quiet all day and it is OK

But yes, learning the arts of chit chat in higher ed advances your career more than writing an extra book or getting another grant. People rank you higher if you can talk about nothing down at the pub more than having inherent ability or accomplishing something. Chit-chat is easier and takes less time than another publication. I don’t say that cynically, that is just how it works.

@Lifewith I’d say what the PP is describing is an issue as it impedes daily living hence why it’s part of the diagnostic criteria. However that isn’t just being quiet it’s something else entirely…

I’m with you. You’d never think it if you heard my fog horn big mouth now but I was appallingly shy and quiet (almost mute) especially during my teenage years.

Often It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk I physically couldn’t. However on the rare occasion when I did speak I was met with comments such as “Wow she talks”.

I always worried about being "too quite", and it made me quite self conscious.

Then in my early 20's I got feedback in my performance review at work saying that I needed to be "less quiet". There was probably a valid point in there, about assertiveness and effective communication. However, my reviewing manager dismissed it completely out of hand. She said it was rubbish feedback, and to ignore it and to be confident in just being myself. It was fantastic advice, and resulted in me coming out my shell more than any forced attempt to do so.

I much prefer quiet people. Can’t stand people who yack on all the time and share every passing thought.

I'm married to an introvert and have a very introvert son. What I say to them is it's fine being quiet but it's not fine to come across as rude. You don't have to be the life and soul but smiling, eye contact, asking people questions and appearing genuinely interested in the answers...generally not making others feel like you don't give a shit about them. There's lots of things I find difficult...managing money, being organised. As a functioning adult I've had to learn. Just saying you're an introvert doesn't excuse you from having basic social skills.

It’s hard. My oldest daughter is naturally quite quiet/reserved and people commenting annoys me. The worst is people who will always comment ‘oh she’s so shy/are you shy/why are you so shy?’

It annoys me so much because she’s NOT shy. She will happily go and pay for something in a shop/ask questions at the library/raise her hand in class/answer questions. She is just less likely to be chatty. So when an adult asks her if she likes school she’ll say ‘yes I do’ unlike her younger sister who will burst out ‘I love school I go to x school on x street and here is the name of all my teachers and the dinner ladies and the janitor and I will tell you about all my friends.’

It irritates me when people conflate quiet and shy, because to me ‘shy’ is more of an issue just because it can hold you back from doing things you need/want to do whereas quiet is just a part of your personality.

I feel like almost everyone answering ignored this part of the OP:

I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it

Well, since just spending your entire life feeling slightly nervous isn’t a “normal” state of being (even the phrase nervous disposition can be dangerous, because you aren’t just born that way - maybe you were bullied in school, or had cruel parents, or someone else who yelled at you - something that imprinted), you CAN do something about it. First, you could call it what it is: low-level anxiety. Or maybe just regular anxiety if it’s a little more than “slight.” And there are a lot of ways to deal with that. You shouldn’t have to spend your whole life feeling nervous.

As many people have mentioned, you can be quiet, reserved, soft-spoken, and that’s fine, but your life will be difficult unless you are assertive as well. And there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from becoming assertive. It does NOT mean you have to become loud or chatty. But yes, it does mean you’ll have to get out of your “nothing I can do about it” mindset. I don’t know if that means trying mindfulness exercises, reading books, counselling, therapy, or even medication, as I don’t know you. But “nervous” is not a personality trait. Please don’t feel trapped. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet, but being constantly nervous is too much stress for anybody. It’s not WHO you are; it’s what you’ve learned to feel due to certain stimuli.

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Lifewith I’d say what the PP is describing is an issue as it impedes daily living hence why it’s part of the diagnostic criteria. However that isn’t just being quiet it’s something else entirely…[/quote]
Yes but you don't know who's diagnosed and who isn't. People don't walk around with a sign on their head. So it's not different at all

* Quiet people are great but the ones who make no effort whatsoever and sit there with a face on while you do all the work when you are stuck together are rude and infuriating.*

^Completelt agree with this