To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

I'm a quiet person. I've been told it my entire life. Like a previous poster I'm perfectly capable of holding down a job, building professional relationships, making friends, and so on. But I don't like to talk for no reason and sometimes I need to think through an opinion before I voice it.

My mother is the sort who will talk to fill silence. She repeats stories and questions, she won't just sit through a movie, and she'll even dance in front of the tv if my dad and I watch something together because she doesn't like how quiet we are. I cannot stand it. It's also annoying when you do something people don't expect, even when you've done it before and it's not actually a rare thing, and they proceed to make a big deal out of it. Of course I'm not going to keep acting the way you want me to if you're going to carry on about it for five minutes every time.

I've also always found the assumption that quiet people have poor social skills strange and funny. Being outgoing is not automatically a sign of good social skills. Trump, for example, isn't some wallflower. I guarantee I have better social skills than he does.

So if you don’t feel ‘chemistry’ within a few minutes with a colleague you work closely with you wouldn’t bother asking how their weekend was or if they’d had a nice holiday/done their Christmas shopping?

No. If they ask about mine they'll get monosyllabic answers and if I ask in return I expect no more from them. Pleasantries about general wellbeing are tolerable if kept to a minimum but why on earth am I required to give their Christmas shopping houseroom in my head?

"But I don’t think anyone is talking about people with diagnosed conditions, mental or physical, for which, obviously, accommodations must be made. What people are talking about are NT people who, like the OP, consistently behave in ways that negatively impact their social and professional lives"

But how do you know? People make assumptions. Unless the quiet person comes up with 'by the way I am autistic'?
As a person who works with a whole lot of autistic people and those with selective mutism, trust me, those people - especially those with SM - are HUGELY negatively judged over and over and over again by people who think they are "choosing" not to contribute.

Nobody ever says the overbearing extroverts need pushing back into themselves.

That counts as one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN (in face of stiff competition). Of course loud (bossy forceful pushy ) overbearing people are complained about, despaired of, told to STFU, settle down, be quiet, hush, etc.

Speaking as one of the quiet people, it's ruddy obvious to me that the quiet people have an easier time in life than the people who really need human contact. This thread is nuts.

@Chocoqueen

Why? Why is the quiet person rude and not the person trying to make unnecessary conversation? Why is it not appropriate? Surely it depends on the situation.

Not in every situation, but in a social setting like work or a family gathering, I find it rude when someone is giving nothing back. I'm not the most extroverted person myself but being able to make conversation/small talk is a necessary social skill. Being quiet isn't a problem, but sitting there mute and contributing nothing does come across as rude.

@lljkk

Nobody ever says the overbearing extroverts need pushing back into themselves.

That counts as one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN (in face of stiff competition). Of course loud (bossy forceful pushy ) overbearing people are complained about, despaired of, told to STFU, settle down, be quiet, hush, etc.

Speaking as one of the quiet people, it's ruddy obvious to me that the quiet people have an easier time in life than the people who really need human contact. This thread is nuts.

What makes you think quiet people don't really need human contact? Having people tell them that they're quiet/shy/reserved is negative human contact for them but that doesn't mean they desire a reclusive life.

Some people are quieter than others but if it’s to the degree that people are mentioning it a lot then I think it something working on.

I don’t always feel particularly chatty but I do because making a friendly impression is part of being professional in my field.

I see I’m in the minority view though.

@ThurstonArmbrister

So if you don’t feel ‘chemistry’ within a few minutes with a colleague you work closely with you wouldn’t bother asking how their weekend was or if they’d had a nice holiday/done their Christmas shopping?

No. If they ask about mine they'll get monosyllabic answers and if I ask in return I expect no more from them. Pleasantries about general wellbeing are tolerable if kept to a minimum but why on earth am I required to give their Christmas shopping houseroom in my head?

Yeah, you're not quiet you're just rude.

No. If they ask about mine they'll get monosyllabic answers and if I ask in return I expect no more from them. Pleasantries about general wellbeing are tolerable if kept to a minimum but why on earth am I required to give their Christmas shopping houseroom in my head?

You're not required to give their Christmas shopping houseroom in your head. You're just required to do a little free and quick give and take to oil the wheels of society.

Honestly: I get that its exhausting to hear someone twittering on ten to the dozen but this is just rude and obstructive.

No one is really interested in anyone else's Christmas shopping. It's a minor, incredibly undemanding and free way of showing reciprocity and good feeling. You're not expected to memorise it and commit to paper, you're just expected to not be an arsehole for about 30 seconds.

I've always been a quiet and shy person but I was taught from an early age that being quiet and shy was not an excuse to be rude.

It was always an expectation that I would politely respond to people when they spoke to me and my mum would never speak for me. I have also instilled this in my own quiet children because it is so important to learn social skills, regardless of how quiet or loud you might be.

People (usually loud people!) would often comment that I was quiet when I was a child and teenager but not really so much as an adult. This is probably because I have learned the importance of being able to have conversations with people at work and in unfamiliar situations. People describe me as 'calm' now rather than quiet!

The thing is, there IS a social contract. It exists even if you choose not to engage with it. Refusing to engage with it does make people seem aloof and hard work.

A good example would be checkout operators chatting away while you pack your shopping. You might not like it, but it's understood ( or it should be) that mostly they do that stuff because management tell them to, not because they are trying to make people feel awkward or uncomfortable. They might find it equally uncomfortable do it, but the social mores mean it is expected. Unfortunately that's more hard work for the "quiet" types but the balance has to be struck somewhere. No one likes doing it, but it's not fair either that "extroverts" are expected to do the heavy lifting while "introverts" get to swerve it because it's hard work. ITS HARD WORK FOR EVERYONE!

I work in retail and with a team of others doing much the same job. It requires a lot of back and forth, platitudes and niceties with customers as well as just bog standard "where's the nearest postbox?" type queries. I am what you could call an extroverted introvert, in that I can turn it on as much as necessary when needed. I genuinely like a certain amount of social contact and I like chatting with my colleagues about all sorts of things- work related and not. But equally I can spend days not talking to people and absolutely love it, because I find people ( even those I love) absolutely draining.

I was taught to very effectively code switch as a youngster, and it is a great skill if you can do it, in that I can make most people feel at ease. I don't need to mean it, it's a coping mechanism so when people are loud, I'm loud right back. If they are reserved, I take my cue from that.

@SusannahHolmes

"But I don’t think anyone is talking about people with diagnosed conditions, mental or physical, for which, obviously, accommodations must be made. What people are talking about are NT people who, like the OP, consistently behave in ways that negatively impact their social and professional lives"

But how do you know? People make assumptions. Unless the quiet person comes up with 'by the way I am autistic'?
As a person who works with a whole lot of autistic people and those with selective mutism, trust me, those people - especially those with SM - are HUGELY negatively judged over and over and over again by people who think they are "choosing" not to contribute.

In a professional environment I will have been made aware of accommodations that need to be made because of their condition — I have worked with autistic colleagues and taught autistic students, a student withTourette’s syndrome, and other students with needs that affect their learning styles. In social situation, it’s highly unlikely I would be obtruding my conversational presence on someone who visibly didn’t want it, but if they wanted me to know about a condition, they would have to communicate it.

@ThurstonArmbrister

So if you don’t feel ‘chemistry’ within a few minutes with a colleague you work closely with you wouldn’t bother asking how their weekend was or if they’d had a nice holiday/done their Christmas shopping?

No. If they ask about mine they'll get monosyllabic answers and if I ask in return I expect no more from them. Pleasantries about general wellbeing are tolerable if kept to a minimum but why on earth am I required to give their Christmas shopping houseroom in my head?

Yeah, rude. I imagine you’re one of those people that makes the working environment quite unpleasant, judging people you don’t feel ‘chemistry’ with as unworthy of a few moments conversation.

There's no point forcing conversation about holidays or Christmas shopping with someone you don't click with. Neither of you gets anything positive out of it. There's nothing rude about skipping the chat about the minutiae of your lives and just keeping it professional.

@ThurstonArmbrister

There's no point forcing conversation about holidays or Christmas shopping with someone you don't click with. Neither of you gets anything positive out of it. There's nothing rude about skipping the chat about the minutiae of your lives and just keeping it professional.

Genuinely: how do you know if you "click" with them if you don't give an inch to them?

No-one is intrinsically interested in anyone else's Christmas shopping. Literally no-one. That's not what its about. It's an ice-breaker: something that gets you past a frozen stare.

It's possible to keep it "professional" while still having a life. You're not being required to share details of your sex life. But by the same token you can't expect to have deep and meaningful conversations with anyone if you're not prepared to get to the first post.

Yes agreed! I’ve been made to feel like from a young age all through school and my working life. My last manager told me that basically it could be seen as selfish to be reserved, because I make others put their cards on the table first.

*like that

@thepeopleversuswork

That poster answered when I asked that that apparently she feels the ‘chemistry’ within a few minutes if meeting someone. If she doesn’t feel that in the first few minutes she will refuse to engage with them as they don’t interest her.

I love introverts! Nothing wrongwith it,at s. But nervous people...I have one lady at work. She always seems anxious or nervous. It makes me feel weird. She is really nice but I wouldnt want to be partnered up with her for an assignment.

Oh gosh OP. I'm in total awe of quiet people! I wish I could be a more silent mysterious person. I'm extremely chatty . I try really hard to be less so, but I open my mouth and the words pour out! I'm also very emotional, and will share my inner most thoughts with total strangers. I'm very self-conscious about it.
Funnily enough, I think quiet people are often more confident than us chatty folks. I know I'm very nervous. I'm an introvert (chatty introverts are a real thing) as I recharge alone. I love my own company. But, as soon as I go out into the world, I'm like a puppy, and try to make friends with everyone! I'm also extremely sensitive. I long, really long to be less chatty. But, I think it's just me. Just as you are you, and doing just fine.
It takes all sorts, and diversity is wonderful.
No need to change, you're fine as you are

@WanderingFruitWonderer that's a lovely post!

I totally agree.

I used to be extremely introverted however and less so now due to having an extroverted partner.

I feel like I always need to work on my social skills and how to be more chatty and upbeat all the time. The fact is that holding a conversation for more than about 30 minutes absolutely exhausts me. I can't wait to get away. You are right in that this is considered to be an issue and something that needs to be improved.

Sadly, I'm always reading books to try and improve my confidence and help me to be better socially etc but the truth is that I am what I am but I do feel a massive pressure to be more extroverted.

I love introverts and I love being an introvert - but as more of a listener having a friend who is really chatty can be really good too. I hate people asking 'how are you' though when they clearly couldn't really give a shit about how you are and the only answer they want to hear is 'good thanks!' I try to never ask someone how they are unless I am genuinely interested and have the time to hear about it. I'm not a group person, literally more than one and I'm out of my comfort zone but I love it when you meet someone and you just click.

@psychomath aww, thank you

@SusannahHolmes

"But I don’t think anyone is talking about people with diagnosed conditions, mental or physical, for which, obviously, accommodations must be made. What people are talking about are NT people who, like the OP, consistently behave in ways that negatively impact their social and professional lives"

But how do you know? People make assumptions. Unless the quiet person comes up with 'by the way I am autistic'?
As a person who works with a whole lot of autistic people and those with selective mutism, trust me, those people - especially those with SM - are HUGELY negatively judged over and over and over again by people who think they are "choosing" not to contribute.

Can’t have it both ways. If you’re ND and need accommodations you have to tell people. If you don’t want anybody to know then resign yourself to trying to fit in. I have ADHD , DP has autism.

Also no matter how much people witter on about ‘reasonable adjustments’ you can’t get around the fact that good communication/relationship building is essential for work.
Judging people for not making small talk etc in itself is unfair.
However if people don’t contribute to meetings (when needed of course), don’t have the same network or ability to get things done their job is impeded. Not their fault of course - but a big problem.
I have worked with quite a few people like this who created extra work. Technically brilliant but never told anyone anything.
Of course if the company was willing to pay someone else to communicate for them as a ‘full time job’ it would work but otherwise no which is why many people with degrees and seemingly ‘high functioning’ autism are unemployed