Copycat Friend

[NearlyThereMum]

Can't believe I'm writing this in my 30s as it seems incredibly petty but here I am anyway!

My friend and I have known each other since we were 4 and have always been good friends but not best friends, I.e. see each other maybe once a month and text weekly.

I now have a 6 month old and she has a 2 month old. The issue (petty though it is) is that she is copying a lot of my sons things and it's driving me nuts. Since the babies have been here, we've been seeing each other much more for walks/ coffee etc. She had really bad baby blues and I like to think I've supported her with it as best I can by having a listening ear etc. She is now feeling well again. The things she is copying are clothes, snowsuits, some of his toys. I don't know how she knew where they were from as I specifically never told her. I could cope with this- they grow out of them so quickly that I don't really care as they're into something new quickly. However she has now escalated and has picked the same nursery wall paper and furniture (the furniture has little silver cross badges on, I specifically didn't tell her where it was from).

AIBU to find this annoying and if so, how can I bring it up without ruining our friendship?

"We know another mum from school who straight up copies but she is low and she’s desperate (literally desperate) to feel like she’s part of something and have friends. And she’s our friend so we embrace it. And in fact, sometimes we copy her to give her a lift. We want to bond with her and welcome her into our friendship group"

Wow - you sound lovely!!

I am imaging this poor woman being taken shopping with OP covering up items with her coat, saying "no, not that, I've got that. You are allowed this one.

@LilyTheMink

I am imaging this poor woman being taken shopping with OP covering up items with her coat, saying "no, not that, I've got that. You are allowed this one.

Quite the imagination you have there

@PleasantBirthday

If she had really bad baby blues she might be struggling to trust her own judgement at the moment and is trying to do the things that people who look like they're doing well are doing.

This is what I was thinking too.

I really wouldn’t care. My friend just told me about her 18 year old that was a month younger than mine that when they were babies she just goooed what I did and bought and it helped her . I didn’t notice at the time and was kind of flattered to hear it 18 years later ….
It’s REALLY not important. And she’s struggling. Just be kind

*copied not “goooed” 🥴

@HaggisBurger

I really wouldn’t care. My friend just told me about her 18 year old that was a month younger than mine that when they were babies she just goooed what I did and bought and it helped her . I didn’t notice at the time and was kind of flattered to hear it 18 years later …. It’s REALLY not important. And she’s struggling. Just be kind

I have been kind. I've been a supportive friend and not raised it with her

OP imagine if you were having a really difficult time mentally and cooking, for example, was a huge stressor for you as you wanted to make healthy tasty food for your family but didn't have the headspace to research recipes and ingredients, try them out and have them not work etc. Imagine in this scenario you had a friend who was an amazing cook and she given you a recipe book that made your life, which is difficult and stressful right now, a little less tough and a little more happy.

Wouldn't you like it if your friend enjoyed the fact she helped make your life a little less tough and a little more happy without feeling like you'd stolen her recipes and made them less special?

Be that friend for your pal.

Life's too short to get annoyed with people we care about when we can give them the benefit of the doubt and they aren't hurting us.

I think, if her nursery was being featured in Homes & Gardens because of her ‘inimitable style’, then you might be justified in feeling pissed off.

@Jibberjabberhutt

I think, if her nursery was being featured in Homes & Gardens because of her ‘inimitable style’, then you might be justified in feeling pissed off.

I think there's steps in between this and that situation when I would still be justified

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP imagine if you were having a really difficult time mentally and cooking, for example, was a huge stressor for you as you wanted to make healthy tasty food for your family but didn't have the headspace to research recipes and ingredients, try them out and have them not work etc. Imagine in this scenario you had a friend who was an amazing cook and she given you a recipe book that made your life, which is difficult and stressful right now, a little less tough and a little more happy.

Wouldn't you like it if your friend enjoyed the fact she helped make your life a little less tough and a little more happy without feeling like you'd stolen her recipes and made them less special?

Be that friend for your pal.

Life's too short to get annoyed with people we care about when we can give them the benefit of the doubt and they aren't hurting us.

I'll take this on board and hope I've helped her feel better

True enough @NearlyThereMum. To be honest, I’d be quite irked and would probably stop sharing what I’ve got. But…you’re both doing motherhood at basically the same time. It’s hard and it sounds like she’s maybe not got much confidence in herself. That’s sad and so I don’t think you could say anything without hurting her. Just don’t share so much to prevent it.

I'm in an NCT group and we all go and buy the same stuff. As soon as someone says - 'we just bought xyz and it's great', we all run off to get it.

OK the wallpaper is a bit odd, but I bet you that it's nothing more than a 'Jane Doe has this wallpaper in her nursery and it looks great, I will get that one'.

I wouldn't worry about it, especially with toys. Everyone has the same development toys. My friend bought a toy for her baby, same age as mine and I was like - that looks good and she was like, yeah it's great you can get it from amazon. Immediately ordered one.

Also, I don't know about anyone else, but my ability to make a decision has been seriously impaired since having a baby. It's noticeable, even to me! Apparently this is a very real symptom of baby brain, so maybe she's genuinely struggling with that, so it's just easier to buy stuff that she knows worked for you, rather than make her own decisions :-)

@Jibberjabberhutt

True enough *@NearlyThereMum*. To be honest, I’d be quite irked and would probably stop sharing what I’ve got. But…you’re both doing motherhood at basically the same time. It’s hard and it sounds like she’s maybe not got much confidence in herself. That’s sad and so I don’t think you could say anything without hurting her. Just don’t share so much to prevent it.

Yeah agree and I do t feel the need to raise it with her. I'll just brush over the topic if she asks about things I think

@Kinko

I'm in an NCT group and we all go and buy the same stuff. As soon as someone says - 'we just bought xyz and it's great', we all run off to get it.

OK the wallpaper is a bit odd, but I bet you that it's nothing more than a 'Jane Doe has this wallpaper in her nursery and it looks great, I will get that one'.

I wouldn't worry about it, especially with toys. Everyone has the same development toys. My friend bought a toy for her baby, same age as mine and I was like - that looks good and she was like, yeah it's great you can get it from amazon. Immediately ordered one.

Also, I don't know about anyone else, but my ability to make a decision has been seriously impaired since having a baby. It's noticeable, even to me! Apparently this is a very real symptom of baby brain, so maybe she's genuinely struggling with that, so it's just easier to buy stuff that she knows worked for you, rather than make her own decisions :-)

Have never heard this about decision making! Good to know, thanks

@Ticksallboxes I'm wondering if I'm that friend 😂

[quote lmnoh]@Ticksallboxes I'm wondering if I'm that friend 😂[/quote]
😂😂😂

That's really insightful into the other side of this, thank you for sharing and hope you're better now

DS is 18yrs now ..... that's a whole different strain on the mental health

The clothes wouldn’t bother me because kids clothes generally look similar but I would be weirded out that she’s chosen the exact same wallpaper and furniture for her baby’s room, so her child’s room is an exact copy of yours. I would just find it odd, and it’s obviously not coincidence like having the same snowsuit from next would be.

I don’t think you can really say anything though without making it really uncomfortable so I would just shrug it off. Maybe compliment some of her own things as she must be feeling insecure to copy someone else to such extremes.

@G5000

I still don't get why it annoys you. If it's a design you came up with, it's your business, and someone copies it and sells it as their own - yes fair enough. But it's a generic shop bought snowsuit. Your friend takes a look and says 'good choice, I like it too'. Why is that a bad thing?

The snowsuit is one thing, it’s from a shop and to be expected that others may have the same. But I think anyone who says they would find it totally normal if a friend came over, looked at their home, then replicated it exactly with the same wallpaper and furniture is lying to be honest. It is unusual behaviour to copy everything in someone else’s child’s bedroom.

Exactly. Copying one or two things - no big deal.

But when it becomes an noticeable pattern, that’s different.

Not saying the OP should say anything, as I said upthread. But it’s OK to find it annoying.

It would make me raise my eyebrows i guess
But maybe try a different approach and just embrace it and feel flattered. Otherwise it might ruin your friendship and i dont think thats worth it

But maybe try asking her? Casually i mean

@Kanaloa

The clothes wouldn’t bother me because kids clothes generally look similar but I would be weirded out that she’s chosen the exact same wallpaper and furniture for her baby’s room, so her child’s room is an exact copy of yours. I would just find it odd, and it’s obviously not coincidence like having the same snowsuit from next would be.

I don’t think you can really say anything though without making it really uncomfortable so I would just shrug it off. Maybe compliment some of her own things as she must be feeling insecure to copy someone else to such extremes.

That's a good idea, I'll compliment her own stuff. Maybe she is just feeling insecure and looking for a safety in numbers type of reassurance.... thanks

@Marvellousmadness

It would make me raise my eyebrows i guess But maybe try a different approach and just embrace it and feel flattered. Otherwise it might ruin your friendship and i dont think thats worth it

But maybe try asking her? Casually i mean

I think I'm just going to try and let it go. We've been friends a long time and it would be a shame to lose that, just feel a bit hacked off though

You probably own multiple things you have seen other people have. This is why all the unnecessary things you have for your child was sold to you. Its capitalism.