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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Copycat Friend

214 replies

NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 12:19

Can't believe I'm writing this in my 30s as it seems incredibly petty but here I am anyway!

My friend and I have known each other since we were 4 and have always been good friends but not best friends, I.e. see each other maybe once a month and text weekly.

I now have a 6 month old and she has a 2 month old. The issue (petty though it is) is that she is copying a lot of my sons things and it's driving me nuts. Since the babies have been here, we've been seeing each other much more for walks/ coffee etc. She had really bad baby blues and I like to think I've supported her with it as best I can by having a listening ear etc. She is now feeling well again. The things she is copying are clothes, snowsuits, some of his toys. I don't know how she knew where they were from as I specifically never told her. I could cope with this- they grow out of them so quickly that I don't really care as they're into something new quickly. However she has now escalated and has picked the same nursery wall paper and furniture (the furniture has little silver cross badges on, I specifically didn't tell her where it was from).

AIBU to find this annoying and if so, how can I bring it up without ruining our friendship?

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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:09

@User5252727

This is your issue to deal with, not hers, so you shouldn't bring it up. Regardless of whether or not it annoys you, she hadn't done anything wrong and you don't have the right to ask her to stop. You can only work on dealing with your own feelings about it.
I'm not sure it's all my issue if she is the one copying! I feel she may have an insecurity issue and is copying things because it seems 'safe?' I need to work on letting it go though which I'm happy to do
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:10

@NotImpossible

The thing is, it takes nothing from you and makes her happy. The work/thought you put in isn't less important because she has it too and your baby doesn't lose out because she has the same. If you'd spent time researching something less emotionally charged - say, new boilers, or good electricans - would you resent sharing recommmendations with friends to save them having to do the research themselves? I get your feelings but they are illogical - the above is the sort of pep talk I'd give myself in a similar situation!
That's a nice way to look at it thanks
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:11

@ellyoctober

"It feels like plagiarism - I've spent time looking at things and choosing things I think are nice/useful etc and then she just takes all of my ideas. I don't understand why people wouldn't find that annoying"

But your effort and time expenditure is exactly the same whether she copies you or not @NearlyThereMum Confused

Also the silver crosses on furniture are intriguing me, is it vampire themed?

It's not silver crosses. It's Silvercross Brand, hope that helps
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:12

@Helpstopthepain

Really? Would you be annoyed if someone took credit for your idea at work? Same idea

Oh dear.

Hmm
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:12

@ChristmasScrooge

Strange thing to be annoyed about. Most baby items are the same at that age.
It's not like it's one or two things, it's quite a lot of things now and actually there's loads of choice between shops and online
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thebleepblop · 26/11/2021 15:13

@newyearsresolurion

None issue. Poor friend
This.

I can't believe you have a friend who you know is struggling but the biggest thing on your mind is not how to support her but how to protect your 'copyright' on the mass produced for mass consumption items you have bought.

You are right. You do sound petty and no, you can't bring this up without ruining the friendship.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:14

@newyearsresolurion

None issue. Poor friend
Poor friend has been well supported through her baby blues. This is really offensive
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:15

@SisterAgatha

My SIL does this, you often get to her house to find she has the same mug/dress/candle. Or she knows where you have bought something without any way of her knowing except that she has googled your stuff. She is like it with everyone in her life. That’s annoying and if your friend were like that I would 100% say YANBU.

But because it’s a new thing, you’ve both had babies so maybe she likes them being the same, thinks it’s sweet or whatever, then YAB a bit U because like others have said, there’s not a huge amount of choice out there. Esp for boys.

Thanks glad you can see it from my point of view and appreciate it is annoying when it's happening multiple times
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:16

@3luckystars

Just keep away from her if she is pissing you off. Don’t say anything about the copying, you both know it’s happening, but it might push someone who is struggling, a bit over the edge and really upset her.

Tell her you are busy and avoid her for a few months. Good luck.

Yeah I think I'll pull back, I wouldn't mention that as being the reason incase she is still having a rough time despite saying otherwise
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MrzClaus · 26/11/2021 15:21

Bloody hell, I feel like this thread just went a bit wild since my last comment 😂

@NearlyThereMum have you considered charging for personal shopping fees? 😬 could always try to make it work in your favour! That might help with the annoyance!

Tbh if anything just think how good your style / choices must look to be copied! Hopefully she'll find her own style eventually 😊

MollysDolly · 26/11/2021 15:22

I read this, as she's struggling, she's potentially got bad PND, and doesn't know what to do or think half the time.

She sees you, as a mum who's got it together. So in quite a basic way, if she copies what you do, buys what you buy, she's getting something right, because that's what a good mum is doing.

I actually feel really sad for her. Please don't get annoyed with her, she's doing this because she doesn't know what else to do. You probably are a complete rock to her right now, just by being there to "copy". Try and imagine how her head must be, and be a good friend to her Flowers

mongoosebaby · 26/11/2021 15:26

I'm genuinely a bit baffled. I've got a group of mum friends from a playgroup. We have lots and lots of the same clothes and toys and things for our babies. Deliberately. E.g- if someone sees a good deal or an offer we tell each other, we bulk buy to save on postage, if someone likes some dungarees we say where they are from so they can get some too?? If we find a useful baby item, we tell each other so we can benefit from the research and knowledge of someone else. Why does it bother you?

Santaischeckinglists · 26/11/2021 15:29

Did she choose a similar name op?

Inquisitivearchitect · 26/11/2021 15:31

My friends and I absolutely love being matchy matchy.

We know another mum from school who straight up copies but she is low and she’s desperate (literally desperate) to feel like she’s part of something and have friends. And she’s our friend so we embrace it. And in fact, sometimes we copy her to give her a lift. We want to bond with her and welcome her into our friendship group.

Friendship takes compromise.

Why don’t you introduce her to Pinterest and help her find herself and her style?? Be a good mate Smile

DingleyDel · 26/11/2021 15:36

I honestly can’t imagine worrying about this when you have 6 mo. I wouldn’t give it anymore head space. It’s not like loads of people see inside a babies nursery.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:43

@Inquisitivearchitect

My friends and I absolutely love being matchy matchy.

We know another mum from school who straight up copies but she is low and she’s desperate (literally desperate) to feel like she’s part of something and have friends. And she’s our friend so we embrace it. And in fact, sometimes we copy her to give her a lift. We want to bond with her and welcome her into our friendship group.

Friendship takes compromise.

Why don’t you introduce her to Pinterest and help her find herself and her style?? Be a good mate Smile

That's a nice idea thank you
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:44

@MollysDolly

I read this, as she's struggling, she's potentially got bad PND, and doesn't know what to do or think half the time.

She sees you, as a mum who's got it together. So in quite a basic way, if she copies what you do, buys what you buy, she's getting something right, because that's what a good mum is doing.

I actually feel really sad for her. Please don't get annoyed with her, she's doing this because she doesn't know what else to do. You probably are a complete rock to her right now, just by being there to "copy". Try and imagine how her head must be, and be a good friend to her Flowers

That's very true, I've not said it to her. It's just getting annoying but understand what you're saying
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Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 15:48

@Santaischeckinglists

Did she choose a similar name op?
She did actually!

@thebleepblop I have actually been very supportive. I have gone round when she's phoned crying etc when she was having a rough time. She said she's feeling better. I can be annoyed and still be a good friend, the two are not mutually exclusive. I am still a person too

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Sceptre86 · 26/11/2021 15:52

It is annoying. I'm the kind of person who actually spends time researching products, reading reviews my sil doesn't and will openly admit she copies what I buy for my dd for her own as she knows it will be good. She bought the same cot, bedding, changing table, formula and is already asking what theme I am doing her nursery up in. It is never reciprocal, if I say I like something her son is wearing she will never say where she got it from (always a gift). I get the whole imitation being a form of flattery and all that but it gets annoying after a while. Have some originality !

Depends on how much you value the relationship . The idea to go shopping with her might be nice. if not say you find it annoying and would rather she didn't.

MollysDolly · 26/11/2021 15:58

@NearlyThereMum

I get what you mean. I had a friend, who copied everything I bought. And I'd get so pissed off. We'd meet up and she'd be wearing the same boots, same handbag and not even acknowledge it. I'd be inwardly seething thinking "ffs we're matching handbag wankers" and that people would think that we, also in our thirties, looked ridiculous.

Turns out she had crippling low confidence. She admired me and how confident I was and was trying to mirror that in the only way she could. She couldn't act the same, but she could look the same, and to her that was some form of a step forward. She was emulating what she wanted to become, in the only way she could manage because her mental health wasn't allowing her in any other.

She's moved away now, so I don't really see her, but my point is, that my thoughts and irritation shifted very quickly, when I understood the why. It must have been truly horrible for her. And there I was, glaring at our matching boots as a first world problem. Perspective.

Nootherwilldo · 26/11/2021 16:06

@NearlyThereMum I don’t think you’re justified in being annoyed. You’re the one who has set up this thing that your nursery, clothes, toys need to be unique not your friend.

My best friend and I have very similar tastes. I wasn’t even pregnant when she took me round her nursery saying oh you should get this chair I got it from X, it’s so comfortable, I got these shelves from Y they were a good price. She loved her nursery and knew that I’d want similar so she actively discussed it with me instead of being petty and trying to keep it secret or say I couldn’t have what she had. That’s the kind of friend I want to have personally.

thebleepblop · 26/11/2021 16:06

@thebleepblop I have actually been very supportive. I have gone round when she's phoned crying etc when she was having a rough time. She said she's feeling better. I can be annoyed and still be a good friend, the two are not mutually exclusive. I am still a person too

There is being annoyed and then there is actually thinking of telling someone, especially someone you know has been struggling, to stop 'copying' by buying the same mass produced items you do. Most people are probably minorly annoyed by their friends at some point. But most deal with it by having a moan and a laugh about it with their partner. It has to be something pretty serious to raise it with a friend. And this isn't it.

Telling your friend would be humiliating for her and would make you look weirdly possessive about mass produced commercial items.
It would also make it perfectly clear you care more about your sense of 'ownership' of those items than you do about the feelings of your friend.

However, from your replies you seem to have realised that there are bigger and better ways to handle this that are more attuned to your friend so good for you.

Nootherwilldo · 26/11/2021 16:07

My friend and I have also often gone shopping and bought the same clothes as we both loved them! Neither of us cares. It’s not like we’re designed them off the rack!

Chocoqueen · 26/11/2021 16:10

@Inquisitivearchitect

My friends and I absolutely love being matchy matchy.

We know another mum from school who straight up copies but she is low and she’s desperate (literally desperate) to feel like she’s part of something and have friends. And she’s our friend so we embrace it. And in fact, sometimes we copy her to give her a lift. We want to bond with her and welcome her into our friendship group.

Friendship takes compromise.

Why don’t you introduce her to Pinterest and help her find herself and her style?? Be a good mate Smile

You and your friends sound lovely.
3luckystars · 26/11/2021 16:11

You could also put disgusting huge gold jewellery on your child and see if she falls for it.