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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Copycat Friend

214 replies

NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 12:19

Can't believe I'm writing this in my 30s as it seems incredibly petty but here I am anyway!

My friend and I have known each other since we were 4 and have always been good friends but not best friends, I.e. see each other maybe once a month and text weekly.

I now have a 6 month old and she has a 2 month old. The issue (petty though it is) is that she is copying a lot of my sons things and it's driving me nuts. Since the babies have been here, we've been seeing each other much more for walks/ coffee etc. She had really bad baby blues and I like to think I've supported her with it as best I can by having a listening ear etc. She is now feeling well again. The things she is copying are clothes, snowsuits, some of his toys. I don't know how she knew where they were from as I specifically never told her. I could cope with this- they grow out of them so quickly that I don't really care as they're into something new quickly. However she has now escalated and has picked the same nursery wall paper and furniture (the furniture has little silver cross badges on, I specifically didn't tell her where it was from).

AIBU to find this annoying and if so, how can I bring it up without ruining our friendship?

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 26/11/2021 17:37

Take it as a compliment, you have good taste and she likes it.
Don't worry about it, it's only material objects. As her children age they will dictate what they do and don't like to play with and her influence will reduce.
As with children "it's just a phase"

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:38

@saleorbouy

Take it as a compliment, you have good taste and she likes it. Don't worry about it, it's only material objects. As her children age they will dictate what they do and don't like to play with and her influence will reduce. As with children "it's just a phase"
That's a really good point thank you
OP posts:
User5252727 · 26/11/2021 17:40

I think it's a bit odd to believe you have some kind of investment in / ownership over furniture, toys and wallpaper which other people actually created. The comparison to someone stealing your idea at work is odd. These things weren't your idea; they're the intellectual property of the people who made them. They're designed to be bought by lots of people; being one of those people doesn't give you any claim over the design or creation of them.

I also have silver cross furniture in my nursery, along with (most likely) tens of thousands of other people in this country. I don't claim any credit for it existing and being nice; the person who actually made it deserves that.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:43

@User5252727

I think it's a bit odd to believe you have some kind of investment in / ownership over furniture, toys and wallpaper which other people actually created. The comparison to someone stealing your idea at work is odd. These things weren't your idea; they're the intellectual property of the people who made them. They're designed to be bought by lots of people; being one of those people doesn't give you any claim over the design or creation of them.

I also have silver cross furniture in my nursery, along with (most likely) tens of thousands of other people in this country. I don't claim any credit for it existing and being nice; the person who actually made it deserves that.

Never once claimed to have ownership of things but think it's fair to be annoyed that she has copied multiple things....
OP posts:
JuergenWasRobbed · 26/11/2021 17:46

It's not unkind to be annoyed that she is copying me. I'm a person with feelings too. I have been a good supportive friend to her and have not raised the issue with You don't have to plaster them on a parenting site on the internet. She's got an EIGHT week old for goodness sake.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:47

@JuergenWasRobbed

It's not unkind to be annoyed that she is copying me. I'm a person with feelings too. I have been a good supportive friend to her and have not raised the issue with You don't have to plaster them on a parenting site on the internet. She's got an EIGHT week old for goodness sake.
It's anonymous.....
OP posts:
User5252727 · 26/11/2021 17:54

Never once claimed to have ownership of things but think it's fair to be annoyed that she has copied multiple things....

Your feelings are your feelings - fairness doesn't really come into it, you're entitled to feel however you want. You would only be unreasonable or unfair to expect her to do anything about it, or take responsibility for your feelings.

HaveringWavering · 26/11/2021 17:58

Do you even spend much time in her baby’s room? I suppose she will have shown you pictures but it’s not like you will really have much to do with it day to day, and nobody who visits her will know/care that yours is similar. It’s a bit different than if she was turning up wearing the same outfit as you. Similarly, unless she is deliberately dressing her baby in the identical outfit to yours when you meet up, it’s no big deal. Since Mothercare closed there is less and less choice of baby clothes anyway. I am always foisting my son’s old clothes on friends with younger kids so I literally encourage dressing them in the same clothes!

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 18:03

@User5252727

Never once claimed to have ownership of things but think it's fair to be annoyed that she has copied multiple things....

Your feelings are your feelings - fairness doesn't really come into it, you're entitled to feel however you want. You would only be unreasonable or unfair to expect her to do anything about it, or take responsibility for your feelings.

Thank you. I was annoyed it got to me so much but actually people commenting have given me some new perspectives which have really helped
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 18:05

@HaveringWavering

Do you even spend much time in her baby’s room? I suppose she will have shown you pictures but it’s not like you will really have much to do with it day to day, and nobody who visits her will know/care that yours is similar. It’s a bit different than if she was turning up wearing the same outfit as you. Similarly, unless she is deliberately dressing her baby in the identical outfit to yours when you meet up, it’s no big deal. Since Mothercare closed there is less and less choice of baby clothes anyway. I am always foisting my son’s old clothes on friends with younger kids so I literally encourage dressing them in the same clothes!
That's your choice to do that though and they will only wear them once your child has stopped. Honestly it's not that big a deal, was just a bit of an annoyance but there's bigger things going on in the world Smile
OP posts:
pompomsgalore · 26/11/2021 18:05

@PleasantBirthday

If she had really bad baby blues she might be struggling to trust her own judgement at the moment and is trying to do the things that people who look like they're doing well are doing.
Great response. Very possibly this.
DingleyDel · 26/11/2021 18:10

@Knickynackynoo

People saying you shouldn't take offence haven't had it done to them so really can't give a fully formed view, I have it's weird and does male ypu fe terribly uncomfortable when it escalates.
I think most people have experienced this at some point, probably when they’re about 13. As someone else already said IRL I’ve never met an adult that cares.
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/11/2021 18:19

I get it, OP. I have a friend who’s prone to this.

She chose the same wedding venue as us a year after our wedding. She wanted to have one of our readings, and at one point asked what our first dance song was. Luckily didn’t use it.

More recently she’s got the exact same coffee mugs as me.

It’s not a big deal, but I admit, I found the wedding venue somewhat annoying - especially as at one point she was going to use the same one that one of her sisters had used, and I’d urged her to pick her own one that was special to her. Grin

So yeah, I get it. But I’d never in a million years say anything because she’s a good friend and I love her.

At the end of the day, that is immeasurably more important to me.

lmnoh · 26/11/2021 18:23

You obviously enjoy spending hours on Pinterest (other people's ideas 🙄) or wherever finding the perfect look but maybe she doesn't and finds it all a little overwhelming?

Does it give you a sense of satisfaction on a job well done when she says "ohh that's lovely .. " ?

I have friends like you who would rather take their belongings to the grave rather than tell anyone where they got them and live nothing more than telling you they got a bargain but it's not available anymore !

You don't sound like you're best friends and may never go to her house so why do you care that her child's nursery furniture is the same ?

Why not show a little kindness and share with her your ideas ?

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 18:25

@lmnoh

You obviously enjoy spending hours on Pinterest (other people's ideas 🙄) or wherever finding the perfect look but maybe she doesn't and finds it all a little overwhelming?

Does it give you a sense of satisfaction on a job well done when she says "ohh that's lovely .. " ?

I have friends like you who would rather take their belongings to the grave rather than tell anyone where they got them and live nothing more than telling you they got a bargain but it's not available anymore !

You don't sound like you're best friends and may never go to her house so why do you care that her child's nursery furniture is the same ?

Why not show a little kindness and share with her your ideas ?

I did tell her where I got things initially until the amount of things she then bought became ridiculous. Nobody said I spend hours on Pinterest, you sound very judgemental. Maybe you also have to copy others? I don't know why you're so bothered by this post
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 18:27

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I get it, OP. I have a friend who’s prone to this.

She chose the same wedding venue as us a year after our wedding. She wanted to have one of our readings, and at one point asked what our first dance song was. Luckily didn’t use it.

More recently she’s got the exact same coffee mugs as me.

It’s not a big deal, but I admit, I found the wedding venue somewhat annoying - especially as at one point she was going to use the same one that one of her sisters had used, and I’d urged her to pick her own one that was special to her. Grin

So yeah, I get it. But I’d never in a million years say anything because she’s a good friend and I love her.

At the end of the day, that is immeasurably more important to me.

Thank you for sharing, nice to know someone understands my feelings
OP posts:
HireStarter · 26/11/2021 18:49

YABU.

I think this is one of those times you just have to look past it.

If you make a big deal of it, you'll potentially ruin a good friendship which are hard to find. Is it worth it? What will you get out of raising this?

Unless she starts to copy you to the extent you feel unnerved/unsafe etc, I don't think it's worth losing her over.

When you have PND, it's common to feel like a shit mum. To not know what you should be doing. And to neglect yourself and the "fun" things about parenthood including buying cute clothes and doing up the nursery. Maybe she found copying easier to cope with.

Unless she's always been a bit of a copycat?

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 18:55

@HireStarter

YABU.

I think this is one of those times you just have to look past it.

If you make a big deal of it, you'll potentially ruin a good friendship which are hard to find. Is it worth it? What will you get out of raising this?

Unless she starts to copy you to the extent you feel unnerved/unsafe etc, I don't think it's worth losing her over.

When you have PND, it's common to feel like a shit mum. To not know what you should be doing. And to neglect yourself and the "fun" things about parenthood including buying cute clothes and doing up the nursery. Maybe she found copying easier to cope with.

Unless she's always been a bit of a copycat?

Definitely don't feel unsafe. She has copied things before but not to this extent. I hope you're right and that although annoying for me, it has helped her feel better
OP posts:
YourFinestPantaloons · 26/11/2021 18:56

Grow up OP, seriously, what a silly thing to get upset about. Or did you think that the stuff you bought in shops was only for you?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/11/2021 18:59

Or did you think that the stuff you bought in shops was only for you?

It’s better just to ignore comments like this.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 19:02

@YourFinestPantaloons

Grow up OP, seriously, what a silly thing to get upset about. Or did you think that the stuff you bought in shops was only for you?
No need for this, if you've nothing useful to say then why comment?
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 19:03

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Or did you think that the stuff you bought in shops was only for you?

It’s better just to ignore comments like this.

It really is. How sad to have nothing to say but feel the need to comment anyway
OP posts:
esloquehay · 26/11/2021 19:03

I don't think YABU at all. It's just weird and it would unsettle and annoy me.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 19:04

@esloquehay

I don't think YABU at all. It's just weird and it would unsettle and annoy me.
Thank you
OP posts:
RKid · 26/11/2021 19:06

Copying the babies nursery would annoy the shit outta me ngl. The saying ‘’imitation is the biggest form of flattery’’ annoys me so much 😂
So I don’t think you are unreasonable for feeling this way at all but I definitely wouldn’t lose a friendship over it (not suggesting you are or will) but it could make things awkward by bringing it up. You could subtly say ‘oh we have the same wallpaper haha....’ Etc but ultimately let it go. She will hopefully find her own thing soon!