Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Copycat Friend

214 replies

NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 12:19

Can't believe I'm writing this in my 30s as it seems incredibly petty but here I am anyway!

My friend and I have known each other since we were 4 and have always been good friends but not best friends, I.e. see each other maybe once a month and text weekly.

I now have a 6 month old and she has a 2 month old. The issue (petty though it is) is that she is copying a lot of my sons things and it's driving me nuts. Since the babies have been here, we've been seeing each other much more for walks/ coffee etc. She had really bad baby blues and I like to think I've supported her with it as best I can by having a listening ear etc. She is now feeling well again. The things she is copying are clothes, snowsuits, some of his toys. I don't know how she knew where they were from as I specifically never told her. I could cope with this- they grow out of them so quickly that I don't really care as they're into something new quickly. However she has now escalated and has picked the same nursery wall paper and furniture (the furniture has little silver cross badges on, I specifically didn't tell her where it was from).

AIBU to find this annoying and if so, how can I bring it up without ruining our friendship?

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:21

@3luckystars

You could also put disgusting huge gold jewellery on your child and see if she falls for it.
Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:23

[quote thebleepblop]**@thebleepblop I have actually been very supportive. I have gone round when she's phoned crying etc when she was having a rough time. She said she's feeling better. I can be annoyed and still be a good friend, the two are not mutually exclusive. I am still a person too

There is being annoyed and then there is actually thinking of telling someone, especially someone you know has been struggling, to stop 'copying' by buying the same mass produced items you do. Most people are probably minorly annoyed by their friends at some point. But most deal with it by having a moan and a laugh about it with their partner. It has to be something pretty serious to raise it with a friend. And this isn't it.

Telling your friend would be humiliating for her and would make you look weirdly possessive about mass produced commercial items.
It would also make it perfectly clear you care more about your sense of 'ownership' of those items than you do about the feelings of your friend.

However, from your replies you seem to have realised that there are bigger and better ways to handle this that are more attuned to your friend so good for you.[/quote]
There are definitely bigger problems which I have said many times but I can still feel irritated by it. She's having a hard time but I'm a person too and I do feel I've been a good friend. I have long raised it with her, I've kept my annoyance to myself but just wanted some other perspectives on it to see what others thought. Some people have given some really nice advice which I've appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:24

[quote Nootherwilldo]@NearlyThereMum I don’t think you’re justified in being annoyed. You’re the one who has set up this thing that your nursery, clothes, toys need to be unique not your friend.

My best friend and I have very similar tastes. I wasn’t even pregnant when she took me round her nursery saying oh you should get this chair I got it from X, it’s so comfortable, I got these shelves from Y they were a good price. She loved her nursery and knew that I’d want similar so she actively discussed it with me instead of being petty and trying to keep it secret or say I couldn’t have what she had. That’s the kind of friend I want to have personally.[/quote]
Glad you and your friend are happy sharing things if that's what you want to do

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:25

[quote MollysDolly]@NearlyThereMum

I get what you mean. I had a friend, who copied everything I bought. And I'd get so pissed off. We'd meet up and she'd be wearing the same boots, same handbag and not even acknowledge it. I'd be inwardly seething thinking "ffs we're matching handbag wankers" and that people would think that we, also in our thirties, looked ridiculous.

Turns out she had crippling low confidence. She admired me and how confident I was and was trying to mirror that in the only way she could. She couldn't act the same, but she could look the same, and to her that was some form of a step forward. She was emulating what she wanted to become, in the only way she could manage because her mental health wasn't allowing her in any other.

She's moved away now, so I don't really see her, but my point is, that my thoughts and irritation shifted very quickly, when I understood the why. It must have been truly horrible for her. And there I was, glaring at our matching boots as a first world problem. Perspective.[/quote]
That's such a nice comment, thank you. I will take this on board, my friend could be feeling the same

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:27

@Sceptre86

It is annoying. I'm the kind of person who actually spends time researching products, reading reviews my sil doesn't and will openly admit she copies what I buy for my dd for her own as she knows it will be good. She bought the same cot, bedding, changing table, formula and is already asking what theme I am doing her nursery up in. It is never reciprocal, if I say I like something her son is wearing she will never say where she got it from (always a gift). I get the whole imitation being a form of flattery and all that but it gets annoying after a while. Have some originality !

Depends on how much you value the relationship . The idea to go shopping with her might be nice. if not say you find it annoying and would rather she didn't.

That's exactly it- it's not one or two things, it's quite a lot now. Thanks for understanding. Many people seem to think I'm being a sh** friend but actually I've. Or let on your her that it's annoying me and I've been really supportive of her. Hope we both get a break from the 'flattery' soon as they start to develop their own style a bit more
OP posts:
Nootherwilldo · 26/11/2021 16:28

@NearlyThereMum most good friends are happy to share ideas etc with their friends!

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:30

[quote Nootherwilldo]@NearlyThereMum most good friends are happy to share ideas etc with their friends![/quote]
But there's sharing ideas and there's flat out copying. I think they are two different things

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 26/11/2021 16:35

she may be "feeling better" in tems of holding a conversation without busting in to tears, but still be feeling really down and finding it hard to make decisions - so find it easier to pick up on your ideas.
Does it really matter?

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 26/11/2021 16:39

I suppose it depends on personality… my friends and I have similar tastes - I’m more likely to ring my friend saying ‘I’ve seen x on sale that’s really nice, do you want me to pick you up one as well’ than worry if they buy it after me

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:42

@ThinWomansBrain

she may be "feeling better" in tems of holding a conversation without busting in to tears, but still be feeling really down and finding it hard to make decisions - so find it easier to pick up on your ideas. Does it really matter?
It's not I'm my top 3 worries in life but it does irk me
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 16:43

@LouiseBelchersBunnyEars

I suppose it depends on personality… my friends and I have similar tastes - I’m more likely to ring my friend saying ‘I’ve seen x on sale that’s really nice, do you want me to pick you up one as well’ than worry if they buy it after me
I feel it's different - that would be me offering them info/the awareness of something abs that would be me choosing to do so knowing they could have the same. Copying takes the option of choicely have the same or different things away from me Completely
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 26/11/2021 16:49

I don't understand these threads tbh.

I couldn't care less if people "copied" stuff.

To be honest though no one owns the intellectual property on stuff they've brought from the shops. It's not "yours" -- it's something you have bought. Presumably along with hundreds of thousands of other people.

Life is too short to get upset about stuff like this.

Besides which she's obviously not in a great place at the moment. If you pull her up on it you will probably be contributing to her feeling generally shit about herself.

Let it go and learn to care less about stuff that doesn't matter.

1forAll74 · 26/11/2021 16:54

She probably just likes your choices of things, nothing wrong with that. Lots of people copy everything, that's why they watch influencer numpties..

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:02

@thepeopleversuswork

I don't understand these threads tbh.

I couldn't care less if people "copied" stuff.

To be honest though no one owns the intellectual property on stuff they've brought from the shops. It's not "yours" -- it's something you have bought. Presumably along with hundreds of thousands of other people.

Life is too short to get upset about stuff like this.

Besides which she's obviously not in a great place at the moment. If you pull her up on it you will probably be contributing to her feeling generally shit about herself.

Let it go and learn to care less about stuff that doesn't matter.

You're right it doesn't matter Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:03

@1forAll74

She probably just likes your choices of things, nothing wrong with that. Lots of people copy everything, that's why they watch influencer numpties..
Yeah I'm trying to take it as a form of flattery and just move on....
OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 26/11/2021 17:08

I did what your friend is doing whilst l was pregnant. I was so full of anxiety throughout my pregnancy...absolutely terrified something would go wrong.... that l sort reassurance by copying the same item's as my friend who'd had a DS the year previously.

I told myself that her DS was fine.... and therefore if l got the same pushchair, cot etc... mine would be too.

I look back now and realise how unwell l was

CheltenhamLady · 26/11/2021 17:10

Is it the Munk n Me range OP? It is quite popular at the moment. I know of at least three nurseries decorated with it.

Try to be kind and take it as a compliment. No need to be annoyed about it.

Knickynackynoo · 26/11/2021 17:13

Hmmmm I had this with someone I met through a baby group very early on, i was furious, but never ever said anything to anyone - clearly I was not going to say anything to her, this another one of those things you're not allowed to discuss or be annoyed about.

It really escalated with us and I just couldn't be as close to her, as it no matter how hard one tries with ah well I should be flattered it is annoying at one end but for me it got to be s bit strange an age me feel uncomfortable. If I posted anything on Instagram - which I don't very often she would almost instantly post something similar saying the same thing using the exact same turn of phrase
It was just weird.

DCs are 4 now but when they were about 2 I bought some new sunnies, they were a random brand from TK Maxx and quite quirky but that's what I like - she is very much not of that style, anyway last summer I saw a post pop up on social media of her wearing an almost identical- but definitley not the same pair, like I said they're quite quirky, not an aviator or Way f she must have trawled for hours to find something similar. I know how you're feeling!

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:14

@Muchmorethan

I did what your friend is doing whilst l was pregnant. I was so full of anxiety throughout my pregnancy...absolutely terrified something would go wrong.... that l sort reassurance by copying the same item's as my friend who'd had a DS the year previously.

I told myself that her DS was fine.... and therefore if l got the same pushchair, cot etc... mine would be too.

I look back now and realise how unwell l was

That's really insightful into the other side of this, thank you for sharing and hope you're better now
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:15

@CheltenhamLady

Is it the Munk n Me range OP? It is quite popular at the moment. I know of at least three nurseries decorated with it.

Try to be kind and take it as a compliment. No need to be annoyed about it.

No, never heard of that to be honest. I'm over it, I actually think this has helped me realise it's even less of an issue than I thought. New Perspectives have been really great
OP posts:
Knickynackynoo · 26/11/2021 17:15

People saying you shouldn't take offence haven't had it done to them so really can't give a fully formed view, I have it's weird and does male ypu fe terribly uncomfortable when it escalates.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:17

@Knickynackynoo

Hmmmm I had this with someone I met through a baby group very early on, i was furious, but never ever said anything to anyone - clearly I was not going to say anything to her, this another one of those things you're not allowed to discuss or be annoyed about.

It really escalated with us and I just couldn't be as close to her, as it no matter how hard one tries with ah well I should be flattered it is annoying at one end but for me it got to be s bit strange an age me feel uncomfortable. If I posted anything on Instagram - which I don't very often she would almost instantly post something similar saying the same thing using the exact same turn of phrase
It was just weird.

DCs are 4 now but when they were about 2 I bought some new sunnies, they were a random brand from TK Maxx and quite quirky but that's what I like - she is very much not of that style, anyway last summer I saw a post pop up on social media of her wearing an almost identical- but definitley not the same pair, like I said they're quite quirky, not an aviator or Way f she must have trawled for hours to find something similar. I know how you're feeling!

I've had the same thing with the insta which is how i know she has now bought a lot of the same things. I'm just trying my best to move past it and take on board what others have said about it being her insecurities and I hope in time it'll ease off once she becomes more confident within herself. And breathe.......haha
OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:18

@Knickynackynoo

People saying you shouldn't take offence haven't had it done to them so really can't give a fully formed view, I have it's weird and does male ypu fe terribly uncomfortable when it escalates.
Thank you for agreeing. It is uncomfortable and it's meant I've held back on sharing or showing things. I know it's petty in the grand scheme of things but people have definitely came with the claws out and it's obvious some people are trying to look like they're 'above' feeling annoyed by this but i think in reality it would annoy more people than are letting on....
OP posts:
JuergenWasRobbed · 26/11/2021 17:28

How unkind, your 'friend' could see this.

Original poster
NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 17:33

@JuergenWasRobbed

How unkind, your 'friend' could see this.
It's not unkind to be annoyed that she is copying me. I'm a person with feelings too. I have been a good supportive friend to her and have not raised the issue with her
OP posts: