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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

178 replies

cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:23

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 23/11/2021 10:25

It's a threat so you'll step back into line ... 'see what I can do if you push me too much? Don't say I didn't warn you' ...

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:26

Yep that sounds like how he is 😞

OP posts:
ToughTittyWhompus · 23/11/2021 10:28

Relationship counselling with an abuser is impossible and most places won’t do it.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:29

He doesn't see it as abuse, that's the problem... I learned from MN that it is.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:31

It doesn't matter what he sees it as. An abuser will never admit they're abusive. You know he's abusive and this is another part of it.

Tell him to take his bags and piss off.

user1471457751 · 23/11/2021 10:32

It doesn't matter what he sees it as. He is abusive. Going to couples counselling is just another way for him to abuse and control you. You would be better off speaking to the charity Woman's Aid to help you escape

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:32

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 23/11/2021 10:33

My advice would be to tell him to make sure he has everything and go.

ArchieStar · 23/11/2021 10:33

Tell him to take his bags and do one then, he is abusive and you would do better in life without him. Good luck.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:33

He gets angry at me when I talk to friends about how he makes me feel. This just fuels his anger. Is this abuse?

OP posts:
Florencenotflo · 23/11/2021 10:34

What's your living situation? I'd have his bags in the front garden waiting for him when he got home. Nasty piece of work. And the pp is right, it's to put you back in your place, make you worry that he'll actually leave. Counselling won't work, he's an abuser.

If you can safely do so, I'd kick him out.

SunShinesBrightly · 23/11/2021 10:34

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.
You are not messing up his relationship with his DC. Only he can do that. Tell him to unpack his bags or leave the house with them today.
Chloemol · 23/11/2021 10:35

He’s not going to admit to being an abuser and counselling is therefore very unlikely to work

If he wanted the relationship to work and was serious about counselling he wouldn’t be being horrible to you again, he would be making an effort to show what he could be.

Why waste your time, tell him to take his bags and go, he has alread6 checked out of the relationship

SunShinesBrightly · 23/11/2021 10:35

I’d go with the latter. Tell him to go.

Potplant · 23/11/2021 10:35

Agree with others, it’s a threat to keep you in-line. I doubt he’s really got any intention of actually leaving. I’d guess the counselling is not going his way.

MaskingForIt · 23/11/2021 10:35

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.
Staying with an abuser will mess your DC up far more than leaving him will. Please don’t subject your child to a childhood in an abusive home. They’ll never fully recover.
Bunce1 · 23/11/2021 10:36

Speak to women’s aid. You should never try relationship counselling with an abuser.

Waking on egg shells is no way to live and is fucking your kids up. That and his angry outbursts.

Leave.

Palavah · 23/11/2021 10:36

Through reading threads on here I've learned that you should not attempt counselling with your abuser.

Why would you want him to stay?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 23/11/2021 10:36

What shitty counsellor has agreed to take you on? Counselling with an abuser is never advised.

Leave him. Stop being a pushover. Just leave him.

notacooldad · 23/11/2021 10:36

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough
If you are saying you learned from Mn what abuse is then you should know that you are not doing your kids any good by staying with an abuser.

It is as simple as that.
I understand making the break is not that simple but you should be looking out for their welfare and not realising g that they are getting messed up if it continues long term.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:37

@Itsalmostanaccessory

What shitty counsellor has agreed to take you on? Counselling with an abuser is never advised.

Leave him. Stop being a pushover. Just leave him.

The counsellor doesn't know the ins and outs yet - first session is supposed to be today.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 23/11/2021 10:38

So you really think counselling will resolve this? Honestly, he’s got one foot out the door and is still being abusive and controlling. Why would you want to carry on tolerating his shit?

girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:39

@cally21 if you're not allowed to tell friends about the abuse he's not going to let you tell a professional, is he?

Honestly I wouldn't go today because I can only imagine he'll make your life hell after the session.

I'm assuming you hope that the counsellor will tell him he's abusive and that he'll roll over and accept it and become the loving doting partner? He won't.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:39

@Cherrysoup

So you really think counselling will resolve this? Honestly, he’s got one foot out the door and is still being abusive and controlling. Why would you want to carry on tolerating his shit?

He was so different before we had our dc. I want to try and get back to that 😞

OP posts:
EvilPea · 23/11/2021 10:40

Of course he doesn’t see himself as an abuser.
As someone said on here once. “No one is the villain in their story”.