Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

[cally21]

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

Maybe he meant metaphorically packed 🤨

I think most of us would notice if half our husbands wardrobes were in a suitcase because you’d be washing different clothes.

@Fluffycloudland77

Maybe he meant metaphorically packed 🤨

I think most of us would notice if half our husbands wardrobes were in a suitcase because you’d be washing different clothes.

Not all of us wash out husband's clothes. It's not actually obligatory.

@ChargingBuck this doesn't sound like a man who washes his own clothes to be fair

A lot of us still do though. I dont cook for mine but I do the laundry.

Yes, not all of wash our husband clothes but if you do and are happy I am not judging.

Abuse often starts when you are pregnant / recently given birth.

It won't stop, and by abusing you, he's also abusing your children.

You might think he's not harming them, you might think they don't know, or won't realise, or won't be harmed and damaged by what he's doing to you. But they will be harmed, they will know, they will realise, and at a much younger age than you might think.

His bags are packed, half the job is done. Let him go. You don't have to wait for him to do something else to you to report him to the police either. The counselling won't work. He's an abuser, counselling almost always gives abuses new ways to cause harm.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you and your children. He won't change and you can't change him. You need to put yourself first for the sake of your children as well as you.

@fournonblondes

Yes, not all of wash our husband clothes but if you do and are happy I am not judging.

Neither am I, but I resent the blanket assumption. It's reductive, & perpetuates harmful stereotypes.

@Fluffycloudland77

Maybe he meant metaphorically packed 🤨

I think most of us would notice if half our husbands wardrobes were in a suitcase because you’d be washing different clothes.

No he doesn't, he was quite clear what he meant. And no, I don't wash his clothes. Laundry is both our job.

@girlmom21

What has your partner said about the fact you can't continue with counselling? Are you ok?

Not much really. I'm not ok at all, I'm in a really shit place and so confused. I don't want him around me but I don't want to be alone either.

@cally21 do you have anyone you can be with if you ask him to leave? Any friends who can come and sit with you?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Are you receiving any support for your MH? Whatever you decide with regard to your partner, I’d ask for help if you haven’t already, as having that support will help you make decisions and think clearly.

I was you 5 years ago and I'm with and amazing guy now who's so kind and respectful but honestly being alone felt amazing once I got out from under his thumb. Womens aid helped me, it might be worth giving them a call

I don't want to be alone either.

Why?
What is it so bad about being alone?
I can vouch to you that it is better to be alone than with an abuser.
Is it to do with childcare?

You should be happy and he's making you unhappy.

Save the money and throw him out.He is an abuser.If he would seriously want to improve the relationship,he firstly would acknowledge his abusive behaviour and secondly would go to therapy on his own to become more self aware.Looks like there is little chance,he would do either.Leave him and save the money.

My dad was and is abusive. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I wish to God my mum had left him because of it and protected us. I had a fucking shit childhood because of it which has left me with a lifetime of crap to deal with and here I am, 50 behind me, STILL fucking dealing with it.
Is that what you want for your kids?

I'd tell him don't worry waiting until the counselling has finished go now. X

@cally21

He has his too, he's told the counsellor he wants it to work! Yet his bags are fucking packed?! What?!

Of course he did!

While you are with him you won't meet a decent bloke.

@Wilkolampshade

My dad was and is abusive. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I wish to God my mum had left him because of it and protected us. I had a fucking shit childhood because of it which has left me with a lifetime of crap to deal with and here I am, 50 behind me, STILL fucking dealing with it. Is that what you want for your kids?

Same, although I've had counselling in my 40s and got through it, now. Years of crap relationships before that though.

Don't do this to your kids, OP. Putting up with abuse in the household just demonstrates to them that abuse in the household is an acceptable thing. They will follow your lead, don't doubt it. Humans are very much 'monkey see, monkey do.' I suspect you have seen this in your childhood too, and now, even though you know it feels bad, you can't seem to tear yourself away, and you keep thinking there's something you could do to fix it. That's the power of conditioning, and that's what will happen to your kids, unless you make changes for their sake.

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.

The relationship is not your issue to facilitate and ask yourself how good it is for DC to grow up in an abusive environment, think that is normal behaviour and then become a victim or perpetrator of abuse themselves?

I get that you're not thinking clearly because of the abuse but the best thing to do would be to ensure he takes those packed bags of his and goes.

I can hazard a guess that you might even be feeling guilty for talking to us here, or worried that you’ve misrepresented the situation or not been fair to him somehow.

I feel this 100%. I feel like I'm overreacting.

@FirewomanSam

Your post resonated with me a lot x

@Cloakedmerry

You should throw his bags out the door and say go on then fuckoff!

I wish so much I was brave enough!

Think about the impact growing up with an abusive father will do to your kids. If you can't be brave for yourself, be brave for them. Get him out and get divorced.

@Aquamarine1029 he isn't abusive to our dc. Just me. And not in any obvious way, so they wouldn't know. If that makes sense. Not making excuses for him. Just saying that he's more subtle than that, he's not pushing me around in front of them, he's digging away behind the scenes... emotionally and sometimes sexually.