Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

[cally21]

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough

The only person who can mess up your DC's relationship with their father is him. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

You should speak to Women's Aid or a similar org and you should absolutely not be seeing a counselor with an abuser (or seeing the same counselor). Who scheduled his session first? The bags are a simple threat to keep you in line during counseling.

Yes there is life an happiness after escaping an abusive partner. Over the years I've seen women rebuild happy lives after escape, but not when they stay. Don't think staying will make your children happy either. They are victims in this situation as well.

The counsellor doesn't know the ins and outs yet - first session is supposed to be today.

Attend it. ON YOUR OWN.

Don't feel you have to hide anything or defend him to the counsellor. Tell them he has his bags packed. Tell them everything he has done.

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.

you don't want to mess up children's relationship with an abuser? Run that by me again?

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.

You wouldnt be messing it up though? He is the one playing mind games

@MiniCooperLover

It's a threat so you'll step back into line ... 'see what I can do if you push me too much? Don't say I didn't warn you' ...

Exactly this, he wants you to feel bad like it’s all your fault, that’s what abusers do.

I would be putting his things outside when he’s out and changing the locks. Makes sure he’s packed everything. Don’t bother with the counselling, this man is toxic and he won’t change.

Another vote for Womens Aid, rather than relationship counselling

And read this book
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_3?hvlocphy=1007326&hvnetw=g&keywords=why+does+he+do+that&hvadid=259059439667&qsid=260-0536069-1384622&qid=1637667024&gclid=CjwKCAiAv_KMBhAzEiwAs-rX1MkBZNwqLkpHTwltw5XrpJoCFLCKy3Rmi-yoT6D0Wc1F0Y2wTzmachoCYGUQAvD_BwE&hydadcr=24405_1748889&hvdev=c&sres=0425265102%2CB000Q9J0RO%2CB07MVJDBYT%2CB0037W1NU4%2CB08ZVZKCDH%2CB08DC6GV69%2C1788171829%2C031648623X%2C099959351X%2CB01M9JOAFI%2CB08PVQNZ3W%2C099358361X%2CB07G17DR4X%2C0955882702%2C1082431230%2C0578464691&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-298737952027&adgrpid=56954102087&hvrand=9452953103920495920&sr=8-3

Be aware that leaving, and being pregnant, are the two most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship. Take care & stay safe

He was so different before we had our dc. I want to try and get back to that

^^
You can’t, and you have this feeling in common with the vast majority of victims of abuse. Wanting to get back to how it was is why the majority of victims/ survivors stay.

You won’t be able to, and it will be more damaging to your child to stay than to go.

I also echo that you can’t have counselling with an abuser - they will twist everything around and get the counsellor to assist them in their abuse by manipulation. You think they won’t but they will. Both parties have to go to counselling with a desire to make things better and an abuser won’t do this. You’ll be wanting the counsellor to tell your abuser that what they’re doing is wrong, and for them to accept that and change.’it won’t happen.

The best advice I have ever read on MN is to never have joint counselling with an abusive partner even if you are not sure but suspect they may be

@cally21

He gets angry at me when I talk to friends about how he makes me feel. This just fuels his anger. Is this abuse?

Yes it’s abuse I went through a rocky patch with my partner about 18 months ago-he knows I spoke to a friend about it He knows she knew the full story It never entered his head to get angry over it (and we sorted it out)

He gets angry as he wants you on your own with zero support so he can do whatever he likes and you won’t leave him as you’ve got no help
Please speak to womens aid-they will help you leave-or if he’s packed his bags,open the bloody door
The kids have you-they’ll be fine
He’s an abusive arsehole-freezing you away from friends and family/getting angry/blackmail are all tactics they all use to keep you in your place
Leaving will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done-but by god it’s the best thing you can do-I look back on an ex and just want to hug my younger self-she was so strong and I’m now a much stronger person for it

Look into the freedom program too

I’m wishing you all the best-my inbox is open for you-but please leave
It won’t get any better

'We are starting off with separate assessment sessions today before any joint ones. His is first then mine straight after.'

YOU need to go first because he will smooth over and gaslight!
Any counsellor who is any good and works on our ethical code ( which is our guidelines) will not counsel you as a couple and will only work on a 1-1 basis with 1 party after abuse is revelled.
IF the counsellor agrees to 1-1 working with both of you separately walk away.
If the counsellor agrees to work with you as a couple after abuse is revelled walk away!
This isn't your fault OP, you are not splitting your family, you are protecting not only yourself but you children if you get rid of this POS.

@girlmom21

It doesn't matter what he sees it as. An abuser will never admit they're abusive. You know he's abusive and this is another part of it.

Tell him to take his bags and piss off.

This hon xx

Look at what you have written. What would you tell your friend to do if she wrote this. You will feel a lot better without him.

@ChargingBuck

The counsellor doesn't know the ins and outs yet - first session is supposed to be today.

Attend it. ON YOUR OWN.

This. You need perspective on your relationship issues and it will be beneficial to you to discuss the abuse alone with a counsellor.

He will twist things in the couple session and the abuse will certainly ramp up when you get home if you dare to paint him in a bad light to a counsellor. Don't do it

Take this as a positive and ask him to leave and then have counselling on your own.

I've had my session over the phone with the counsellor. He won't proceed with counselling now he knows about the abuse. You were all right.

He has his too, he's told the counsellor he wants it to work! Yet his bags are fucking packed?! What?!

Literally had him his toothbrush and packed bags and tell him see ya

Whatever you've told the counsellor, they've obviously agreed that those things ARE abusive. Is that really how you want to live and what you want your son to grow up witnessing and assuming is "normal" in relationships? I'd hand him his bags and tell him to leave

🦆 🦆 🦆

You should throw his bags out the door and say go on then fuckoff!

@cally21

He has his too, he's told the counsellor he wants it to work! Yet his bags are fucking packed?! What?!

Anybody who gives you this feeling, this '??!' feeling, needs to be as far away from you as possible.

Think about the healthy relationships you have, with friends and family members. People you love and trust. This feeling never comes up with them, does it? Even if they do something that doesn't make sense, you would just talk to them about it, and everything would be fine, and calm, and you wouldn't be uttering sweary '??!' stuff.

That's what your primary adult relationship should feel like. Rarely an issue, and when there is, a simple conversation, and possibly a bit of compromise, will iron out the wrinkle. That's healthy.

He is manipulating the counsellor, and that's why counselling doesn't work with abusers. They will abuse their victim by getting the counsellor on their side, and making the victim look mentally ill. It's hideous.

Just start creating distance from him, emotionally, and physically. Speak to Women's Aid for practical and emotional support and guidance.

You are not saving your children from difficulties by keeping them close to a man who operates like this. Think about it, logically. What can they learn from an abuser, and by watching abuse between their parents? What can they learn from a mum who walks away from unhealthy situations, maintains her boundaries, and values peace and happiness?

Dont let the door hit him on the orse as he goes through it.
Please stop trying to hang on to this abusive person, I'm willing to bet that your mental health will be far better with him out of your life.

Hecis clearly a nasty, abusive bastard, however well he managed to pretend to be a nice person before you had dc. Please don't waste any more of your life trying to convince yourself he can go back to how he pretended to be before. You owe it to yourself and your dc not to tolerate this any more.

Society tells women from a young age that having a man is a mark of success - cohabitation, a wedding etc.., these are things to aspire to, and achieving them is a mark of how worthwhile you are as a woman.

Woman need to wise up to this bullshit and thoroughly reject it. A shit man will bring nothing to your life. Being with an abuser or a waster is NOT better than being alone.