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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

178 replies

cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:23

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

OP posts:
Itsalmostanaccessory · 23/11/2021 10:41

Abuse often doesnt start until you are pregnant/had a child.

Once it starts, that's it.

Leave him. Stop dicking around with counselling with an abusive man which will not work and will just be spending money you could be using to get away.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:41

[quote girlmom21]@cally21 if you're not allowed to tell friends about the abuse he's not going to let you tell a professional, is he?

Honestly I wouldn't go today because I can only imagine he'll make your life hell after the session.

I'm assuming you hope that the counsellor will tell him he's abusive and that he'll roll over and accept it and become the loving doting partner? He won't. [/quote]

We are starting off with separate assessment sessions today before any joint ones. His is first then mine straight after.

OP posts:
Muttly · 23/11/2021 10:42

You have power in this situation Cally. You have choices, not all of them will seem good at the moment but in the long run they will be better than the status quo.

He is still abusing you. Telling you he has one foot outside the door is manipulative to get you back in line.

moirarosebabay · 23/11/2021 10:42

He's making you step back into line and do the work to make everything the way he wants it. Ready the Lundy Bancroft book. I left my abusive ex who was also lovely before our child was born. It was so hard to accept that the person I met wasn't returning to who I thought he was as that person didn't exist. He has a good relationship with our son now. Sending waves of love and strength to you, you are in such a difficult situation but you can be happy again.

Nanny0gg · 23/11/2021 10:43

You might want to get your relationship back to what it was but he doesn't.

He wants what he wants.

Packing his bags has saved you a job. Go to counselling on your own.

What is your living/financial situation?

Santaischeckinglists · 23/11/2021 10:43

My exh used to threaten to leave me. Had me living on a knife edge.
Tbh the day HE screwed up and I threw HIM out was strangely satisfying!
Take control op..
Open the door and metaphorically boot him out..
*as obviously no violence condoned on mn..

girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:44

@cally21 and he's going to want to know exactly what you've said.

I just can't see this ending well and he's already ready to leave.

He's also going to tell you the counsellor told him he's completely right and you're completely wrong. If he's emotionally abusive he's going to carry that on every step of the way.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:45

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:47

@cally21

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...
Of course there's hope. Almost 40 is young. A lot of people separate in their late 30s/early 40s and by that time most are done with the drama of immature relationships.

You'll be just fine.

JurgensCakeBaby · 23/11/2021 10:47

Funny how his session is first, he's trying to control the narrative with the counsellor. Counseling isn't advised in abusive relationships because it increases the risk to you. Consider everything in your counsellor today, the sexual abuse control etc and tell her you don't think it's safe for you to be in counselling with him. Don't tell him you told her. Make your plans to exit.

JustLyra · 23/11/2021 10:47

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.
Splitting up with him won’t mess up their relationship with their Dad.

If he wants a good relationship then he can still have it. Any idea of that as an excuse by him is just a tool to continue his abuse of you.

And by splitting with him you’ll be protecting them from witnessing that, and also modelling good boundaries for them to see that it’s not acceptable for men to abuse their partners.

Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:47

I've had poor mental health since dc arrived. He heard me on the phone to my mental health worker saying I didn't feel I wanted to carry on living. I heard him mutter "here we go again" from the next room. That's horrible, isn't it?

OP posts:
JurgensCakeBaby · 23/11/2021 10:48

*confide

DowntonCrabby · 23/11/2021 10:48

Let him go, you deserve better. Concealing won’t work with someone manipulative. Flowers

JustLyra · 23/11/2021 10:48

@cally21

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...
Of course there is.

Consider something like the Freedom Programme before considering anything new though.

3scape · 23/11/2021 10:49

No decent relationship counsellor is going to engage with someone committing sexual abuse. I also doubt you can come back from that. Youve got to put yourself and your mental health first. You can definitely have a new life. It'll all be better without him in it!

whitehorsesdonotlie · 23/11/2021 10:49

Oh sweetie, are you happy now?

Surely it's much better to be happily alone than to be in an abusive marriage? Come on. You're still young. You have plenty of time to make friends, find a new relationship, take up hobbies, and find happiness in whatever form that may take.

I recommend you do the Freedom Programme so you can recognise an abusive relationship in future and raise your boundaries.

If you do go to counselling, please state up front that you're in an abusive relationship, list some of the things your d has done, and see what the counsellor says. You should not have counselling together with an abusive partner.

Freddiefox · 23/11/2021 10:50

It’s to keep you in your place. It’s just another example of him abusing you. He wants you to beg him to stay, or if he leaves it’s all your fault.

Counselling isn’t a great idea with an abuser

3scape · 23/11/2021 10:50

And once he's gone you will definitely be happier. He's actively trampling you down.

Wisewordswouldhelp · 23/11/2021 10:51

Does the counsellor realise he is abusing you? As others have said a good counsellor wouldn't take you on as they can't get involved if there is abuse.

IncompleteSenten · 23/11/2021 10:51

Unless you allow me to continue to abuse and sexually assault you, I will leave you.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 23/11/2021 10:51

If he was sexually abusing you, he should be in Prison now, not having councelling. Chuck him out op, or better yet, call the cops!!!

RampantIvy · 23/11/2021 10:52

Why do you want to stay with him?

He won't change. Do you want him as a role model for your children?

Why is your bar so low? You deserve better, and it won't get better if he stays.

SunshineCake1 · 23/11/2021 10:52

Better alone than with this horrible man. Take control and leave him. You'll feel so much worse, with huge regret, when he leaves you for someone else anyway. Protect your children.

FTEngineerM · 23/11/2021 10:52

@cally21

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...
You lived a perfectly good life before he arrived and it’ll continue that way after he’s left.

Why are you still with him?

You deserve better than that. Read that a few more times.