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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

178 replies

cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:23

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2021 18:08

And not in any obvious way, so they wouldn't know.

You children know, children always know. Stop deluding yourself.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 18:13

Cally - your kids DO know, they are capable of picking up subtext even when they don't understand it, & they WILL be affected by it.

You have no reason to stay with a man who is sexually assaulting you & emotionally abusive. Please, at least, spend some time informing yourself, & talking to support organisations. It will help you clarify your thoughts & to start making plans.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

TheFoundations · 23/11/2021 18:21

Your kids will pick up on emotional discomfort, and consider this normal. They will set up their future relationships and homes with the feeling of emotional discomfort as the hallmark of their upbringing.

I know it's not what you want to hear, and you think you're protecting them, but I was in their position. It didn't become clear until my father started hitting my mum in later years, but I could always feel the wrongness, and my adult relationships reflected it until I had counselling in my 40s.

Don't do this to your kids. You need goodness. All of you. You all need to be away from the toxin, and you know what the toxin is.

sweetgingercat · 23/11/2021 19:31

My partner did the same thing with his suitcase during an extended argument 12 years ago when he didn't have a leg to stand on. He would actually move it nearer to the door when I said something he didn't like. After a couple of hours of bullshit I picked it up and took it through the door and told him to go with it. He went off for a few hours and then came back, apologetic. I called his bluff and you should to.

SunshineCake1 · 23/11/2021 19:33

You are brave enough. Be honest with yourself about why you won't end this.

Camembear · 23/11/2021 19:50

He sounds so manipulative.

Ispini · 23/11/2021 20:28

Please think of what the future may be when your kids are teenagers doing typical sulky teenage things, and how he may react.

You will have a life after him, get out while you can and don’t waste anymore time on this arse!
This could be the beginning of the rest of your life. 💐

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 23/11/2021 20:38

Children know. I knew. Then he turned on me and I was abused too.

A good dad doesn’t abuse the mother of his children. If he’s got his bags packed then he should just go and leave you all to live happier lives.

ESGdance · 23/11/2021 20:44

This is a tactic to control and silence you so that you minimise and censor what you tell the therapist.

He has thrown an obstacle / threat in the way which has left you confused and furious because you were hoping that therapy would straighten him out - he is implicitly telling you that’s not going to happen.

Make sure you get back to a therapist for yourself.

He has sabotaged this process just like he sabotages everything else.

People like him behave in such nuanced, gaslighting and pervasive ways that you doubt yourself.

Munchyseeds · 23/11/2021 21:23

I would be telling him to take his bags and go!
You and the kids will be better off without him

whynotwhatknot · 23/11/2021 22:01

he did that on purpose so he had something to hold over you

im glad you told the counsellor straight what was happening

please get some therapy for yourself and some help to leave

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 23/11/2021 22:05

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.

It is already messed up. He abuses their mother.

gets angry at me when I talk to friends about how he makes me feel. This just fuels his anger. Is this abuse?

yes.

Tell the counsellor all this as soon as you can. They should not do counselling in these circumstances, as it can escalate things dangerously.

Coyoacan · 23/11/2021 22:25

My dd went to counselling with her abusive ex and the counsellor actually asked her in the fourth and last session what she had done to provoke his violence

Mincingfuckdragon · 24/11/2021 01:58

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

If he wanted to treat you well, he'd be treating you well.

He is the only person in control of how he treats you.

And if he wanted to be kind, and respectful, and nice, and fair - then he would be.

TheGirlCat · 24/11/2021 05:13

Why do women put up with such disrespect and abuse? He is scum. THROW him out the door. If he told me his bag had been packed, I'd say that's good. Now FUCK OFF!!! Ask yourself are you that desperate for a man you'll put up with being abused? This is 2021. Not the 1940s. If your DC is a daughter, do you want her learning that it's ok for men to treat women like shit, and the woman enables it? If your DC is a son, do you want him learning to copy his father and treat women like this? This is 2021.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/11/2021 05:58

Bless you OP. It is really tough to be confronted with the notion that the person supposed to love you more than anyone is abusing you. You are doing so well by taking on board what people are saying.

Leaving is hard. But staying will be harder

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 24/11/2021 06:16

Let him go. Shut the door behind him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/11/2021 07:51

First things first, because you are understandably upset and we all would be in your shoes, is to contact womens aid. There’s nothing you can tell them they won’t of heard before & they can help you plan an exit.

FirewomanSam · 24/11/2021 08:37

I feel this 100%. I feel like I'm overreacting.

I’m glad my post resonated. Let me tell you something else, then.

My friend and I were both in abusive relationships. After we were both out of them, we were sharing stories of our exes and how badly they treated us both. She listened to something I told her and then said ‘god I feel so guilty, your ex was much worse than mine, I really shouldn’t be complaining about mine to you’.

My jaw hit the floor and I told her I’d been thinking the exact same thing about her ex. That when she was talking, I was thinking to myself that her ex sounded so much worse than mine and that I was a fraud for complaining about mine in the same conversation as hers.

My point is, when we hear about someone else’s situation we can recognise how bad it is, but when we’re inside our own situation we minimise, make excuses and tell ourselves that people don’t know the ‘whole story’ in a way that we would never apply to anyone else’s situation.

Be your own best friend, OP. Imagine telling her about the sexual abuse and imagine the look on her face. Imagine someone telling you about it happening to them, and how you’d react. No ifs, no buts, no ‘but then he did something nice so it’s not all bad really’ or ‘but he never used to be like this’. Abuse is abuse and it can’t be cancelled out by anything else.

Be your own best friend Flowers

lazylinguist · 24/11/2021 15:47

he isn't abusive to our dc. Just me. And not in any obvious way, so they wouldn't know. If that makes sense. Not making excuses for him. Just saying that he's more subtle than that, he's not pushing me around in front of them, he's digging away behind the scenes... emotionally and sometimes sexually.

How would you feel if, for your sake, your mother had stayed with someone who sexually and emotionally abused her? Especially if you had gradually realised as a child that the abuse was going on. If your dc don't yet realise they are growing up in an abusive household, they probably soon will. They don't need to see physical evidence to know things aren't right - they will pick up on it.

Original poster
cally21 · 24/11/2021 16:58

How would you feel if, for your sake, your mother had stayed with someone who sexually and emotionally abused her? Especially if you had gradually realised as a child that the abuse was going on.

She sort of did.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 24/11/2021 17:02

@cally21

How would you feel if, for your sake, your mother had stayed with someone who sexually and emotionally abused her? Especially if you had gradually realised as a child that the abuse was going on.

She sort of did.

So don't do it to your kids.
BunsOfAnarchy · 24/11/2021 17:09

I'm sorry you're going through this. But you have to protect yourself and your kids. Sexual abuse is not ok.
You need to be as far away from this man as possible. Your kids will thank you in the future.

lazylinguist · 24/11/2021 19:17

She sort of did.

Right. And you are potentially going on to repeat that in your relationship. Do you want your dc to have that kind of relationship modelled to them so that they go on to repeat it in their relationships? Time to break the pattern.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/11/2021 19:34

@lazylinguist

She sort of did.

Right. And you are potentially going on to repeat that in your relationship. Do you want your dc to have that kind of relationship modelled to them so that they go on to repeat it in their relationships? Time to break the pattern.

Break the pattern.

You're making your kids live with someone you know is sexually and emotionally abusive.

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad.

Staying with him and making them live under the same roof as this unhealthy, unhappy, toxic and abusive dynamic will 'mess up' your child's own future relationships.

Just as your mum's choices have affected you, so too will yours affect your child's.

Break the pattern. Leave him.