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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

178 replies

cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:23

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
cally21 · 23/11/2021 12:31

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

🦆 🦆 🦆

What is this for?

OP posts:
colditalianpizza · 23/11/2021 12:33

@TheFoundations

What a brilliant post.
Thank you x

CSJobseeker · 23/11/2021 12:33

Ducks in a row - i.e. start making plans and preparations to extricate yourself from the relationship, as safely as you can.

saleorbouy · 23/11/2021 12:35

Save him the trouble, call a taxi and load his bags in the back. He's checked out already!
And as others have said he seems unwilling to accept his abuse towards you.

MackenCheese · 23/11/2021 12:36

My DH was also lovely before the kids came along. They don't change back unfortunately. Put your mental health and the kid's mental health and safety first. Show him the door.

TherapistInATabard · 23/11/2021 12:38

Well done for being honest with the counsellor, that must have taken a lot of bravery. What did they advise you do now? If I were you I’d get in touch with Women’s Aid, but don’t tell your partner!

Lovelymincepies · 23/11/2021 12:40

Are you going to listen to the wise people on this site and leave this abusive arsehole?

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/11/2021 12:43

He's said he wants things to work @cally21 because this is the line he is going to use with everyone. He's going to say he wanted it to work but you didn't, therefore, it's your fault you have split up, he doesn't see his children much. Practice an honest response to this when it gets back to you, because he is going to use friends and family to make sure this gets back to you. My suggestion is 'it's a pity he was such an abusive twat then'.

SiobhanSharpe · 23/11/2021 12:47

@Disfordarkchocolate

He's said he wants things to work *@cally21* because this is the line he is going to use with everyone. He's going to say he wanted it to work but you didn't, therefore, it's your fault you have split up, he doesn't see his children much. Practice an honest response to this when it gets back to you, because he is going to use friends and family to make sure this gets back to you. My suggestion is 'it's a pity he was such an abusive twat then'.
And tell people your counsellor could not continue once he knew about the abuse. So it could never work.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/11/2021 12:49

@ArchieStar

Tell him to take his bags and do one then, he is abusive and you would do better in life without him. Good luck.
Absolutely this ^

Who the heck does he think he is, trying to manipulate you like that?

Tell him it's not working out and he can leave - the sooner the better. You are worth more than this.

bestcoffeepot · 23/11/2021 12:51

He's saved you wasting your money on counselling then hasn't he.

Clearly, unless the counselling goes the way he wants it to, he's off so its' a win/win situation for him.

Cancel the appointment, find those packed bags and pop them outside for him to be on his way with.

RockNRollMartian · 23/11/2021 12:56

I'm afraid I don't think abusers change, very often. It's part of who they are, no matter how often they say that they "want to make things work". I'd be very surprised if counselling makes any lasting difference. Be prepared. Know that you'll be okay without him. He's doing more harm than good in your life, if he's abusing you and normalising an abusive relationship for your children.

Tubs11 · 23/11/2021 12:57

Why are you even bothering and don't say it's because you love him, as this isn't love.

Tell him you'll get the door for him and that you'll send the rest of his stuff.

Then get counseling for yourself

Dixiechickonhols · 23/11/2021 12:58

Get your ducks in a row eg keep birth certificates, passports, financial documents safe. Check what you’d be entitled to if you needed to claim any benefits etc.

FirewomanSam · 23/11/2021 13:18

I've had my session over the phone with the counsellor. He won't proceed with counselling now he knows about the abuse. You were all right.

I hope you’re ok. Your head must be spinning right now and even though everyone here is just trying to help you, I know how overwhelming it can be to have everyone telling you how bad it is and that you should leave. I can hazard a guess that you might even be feeling guilty for talking to us here, or worried that you’ve misrepresented the situation or not been fair to him somehow.

I left a relationship very much like yours when I was in my 30s, and I’m now married to a lovely man who I have a very healthy relationship. I can tell you for a fact that if I were unhappy about something and spoke to my friends or family about it, my husband would never be angry with me for speaking to people. He’d want me to do whatever I needed to work through our problems and have the support I needed. That’s what a nice, supportive partner is like.

My ex, on the other hand, would get angry with me every time I spoke to someone about our problems and would tell me it was disrespectful to him and accuse me of misrepresenting him to others. It’s only now that I can see how fucked up that was, that he basically knew he’d be screwed if I ever spoke to anyone because I’d very quickly realise how awful our relationship was.

He told the counsellor he wants your relationship to work because that’s the truth. He has you right where he wants you, he’s happy with his situation (including your unhappiness) and has has no interest in anything changing before it’s all working great for him right now. You know fine well the packed bags are a red herring to undermine and confuse you, so please stop focusing on them.

As a very first step, please open up to a close friend or family member ASAP about everything you’re going through. Once you start talking it through with people in real life, everything will become much clearer for you I promise and you won’t feel so alone and trapped any more Flowers

MysteriousSoup · 23/11/2021 13:19

@girlmom21

It doesn't matter what he sees it as. An abuser will never admit they're abusive. You know he's abusive and this is another part of it.

Tell him to take his bags and piss off.

This
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/11/2021 13:20

Your not the first woman to get conned by a man like this and you won’t be the last.

You do need to have that moment of clarity that this is it now for the rest of your life.

Of course he wants it to work, they enjoy it. If you go he has to find another one to abuse.

Fcuk38 · 23/11/2021 13:20

My husband would do this early in our relationship we’ll always threaten to leave. I just used to call his bluff and say “ go then, the sun will still shine and I will still get up in the mornings so if you want to go, go.” Soon shut him up.

FairFuming · 23/11/2021 13:21

He sounds exactly like my ex. I left 7 months ago and wish I'd done it years earlier. The kids are happier, I'm so much happier and we are all safe and he has no control. I highly recommend it. Womans aid is great and if you can't kick him out them talk to your local authority about temporary housing

mewkins · 23/11/2021 13:24

@cally21

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...
You certainly won't be lonely forever. You will feel so much better as soon as you get rid of him and in a few months will look back and won't believe how much shit you put up with. He is unable to be the person you need him to be.
girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 13:31

What has your partner said about the fact you can't continue with counselling? Are you ok?

Marvellousmadness · 23/11/2021 13:50

Yabu as YOU should be the one with the packed bags.

Lweji · 23/11/2021 13:51

On a side note, it is even true that he's had his bags packed?
It can't be easy to live off a packed bag for three weeks. Wink
He really sounds like a wanker of the top order.

Your best option is to separate, but be careful, as abusers do not tend to let go easily (despite his claims about packed bags).
Your best chance is for him to leave if he thinks you'll change your mind. But then, make sure you have protection against him returning home in place.
Best place of call is Women's Aid, and possibly NCDV.

girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 13:54

@Marvellousmadness

Yabu as YOU should be the one with the packed bags.
Why should she? If he's ready to leave why does she need to?
dworky · 23/11/2021 13:55

It's a further step in his abuse, a manipulative threat.
Please listen to earlier posters who've said relationship counselling is not appropriate for abusers, it can only make things worse for you.

The only logical, safe option for you is to split from this man. I'm aware that won't be easy but please find a way to do it x

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