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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has packed his bags "just in case"?

178 replies

cally21 · 23/11/2021 10:23

NC for this as don't want it associated with my other posts.

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling. However this morning during an argument about him being shitty toward me (yet again), he has just revealed that he has "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out".

I mean, wtf?! Is it just me or has he already got one foot out the door? What's the point in counselling if he's already pre empting it to fail?

AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

OP posts:
FlowersNoScent · 23/11/2021 10:53

I actually think you should be the one saying this. Why are you concerned your abuser wants to leave and why aren't you packing your bags or something to leave your abuser, if he's still doing it?

It's not about him. It should be about you and your children. Let him go.

authenticforgery · 23/11/2021 10:53

You shouldn't choose to remain in an abusive relationship because you're scared to be alone. It might sound scary to go it alone but life would be on your terms. You would be free from abuse and manipulation. Who knows if you would meet someone else or maybe you'd be happily single for a long time. You and your children are deserving of a safe environment. He has worn your self worth down so much that you don't realise this anymore.

Freddiefox · 23/11/2021 10:54

@cally21

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...
Aww bless you, please don’t worry. I left my abuser, and I’m on my own. Tbh I didn’t have that many friends when I was with him, but now I have loads, and I’m not lonely in the slightest.

It’s been a few years now and I’ve never been happier. Literally the moment we left felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt like I could breathe.

CSJobseeker · 23/11/2021 10:55

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional). Things have come to a head and we have decided to try relationship counselling.

No no no no no no no no no

Never go to counselling with an abuser. Just no.

me4real · 23/11/2021 10:58

He is abusive, please leave. Couples counselling will be worse than a waste of time ,as it'll be time when you could be free of abuse (including sexual.) I'm 44 and love being by myself. One day I'll probably meet someone, but things are great as the are- so much more relaxing than with a twat and a sex pest.

TheFoundations · 23/11/2021 10:59

What example did your parents set you when you were growing up, @cally21, of how relationships work? It sounds like you've been conditioned from an early age to minimise your feelings. Were your parents loving and respectful towards each other? Were they loving and respectful towards you? Did you feel they had the time and inclination to listen to you, and put your feelings first?

Ellie56 · 23/11/2021 11:03

He was so different before we had our dc. I want to try and get back to that

That person doesn't exist. That was an act to reel you in. The abusive wanker you see now is the real him.

Just dump him and you will find your mental health improves no end.

Booboobadoo · 23/11/2021 11:03

Please please don't go to counselling with him. If you open up you will make yourself even more vulnerable - he will use what you say against him. Do go by yourself though. Make plans and keep them close to your chest. He doesn't need to know anything about you from now on. He is not on your side. I know it's awful ☹️. Have been there and it's devastating. Great when you're out the other side though.

fumfspos · 23/11/2021 11:06

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40

You know you can also be happy in a relationship with yourself. You have your children too. You don't have to be with a man to be happy and you won't be lonely just because you don't have one in your life.

Far better to be single and happy and perhaps sometimes a bit lonely than living with an abuser like that.

You should tell him to take the bags he has packed and leave. He's saying it as a threat to make you get back in your box and stay in line. So call his bluff.

Also having been in a horrible relationship myself I felt far worse and was far lonelier when I was with him than either before or after. He'd subtly managed to separate me off from my friends by telling lies about them and how they didn't like me and so on and so forth. And he'd also convinced me that i was totally unattractive and no one would want me again and he didn't want me either.....

It gets better. I promise you. But it takes a while.

RealBecca · 23/11/2021 11:08

You dont need to label his behaviour as abuse for you to decide you wont put up with it.

Equally, getting it labelled as abuse wont make him change.

2bazookas · 23/11/2021 11:08

Now you know it's over!

Call the counsellor and cancell the couples appointments; say you want to make a solo appointment so you can discuss your self esteem, how to move forward after ending a relationship etc.

FirewomanSam · 23/11/2021 11:08

This thread makes me so sad. I have been in your shoes and I recognise everything you’re feeling, including the need to have him acknowledge that it’s abuse. But even if he does (which he won’t) what good will that do? You don’t need him to agree it’s abuse before you can leave him.

The packed bags are a threat that he will never actually follow through with. It’s just a way to control you and keep you in line.

There is no coming back from sexual abuse, I’m sorry.

Please, please tell the counsellor everything that’s happening and don’t try to hide or minimise anything.

Serendipity79 · 23/11/2021 11:09

He was so different before we had our dc. I want to try and get back to that

This rang alarm bells for me, I've been here. That person doesnt exist, the person you see now is the reality. I broke free, it was really hard, I became depressed, I had 4 kids at home, the youngest being 2 and 4 - but I got there, with support from Womens Aid, I did the Freedom programme, I've been single over three years, and I will never allow a man to abuse me ever again. I promise you can do it - and much better for your child if you do it sooner rather than later because they can become an abuser themselves in later life if thats the example they're raised with sadly :(

Having bags packed "just in case" is a message - do what I want or I'll go. Take the decision away - throw him out. xx

Fizzbangwallop · 23/11/2021 11:09

Have you noticed yet that every single response has said don’t go to counselling with an abusive partner? I’m another one saying don’t do it because he won’t change. Put your efforts into working out how to separate.

I suspect that even though he told you he has his bags packed, he will act surprised when you ask him to leave. Please make sure you stay safe, because it can be a dangerous time ending a relationship with an abusive man.

Santaischeckinglists · 23/11/2021 11:10

I booted exh out before I was 41. Met now dh at 42 and had a dc at 43!!

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/11/2021 11:10

Have you thought the bit before kids was all an act until you were trapped?.

No wonder you’ve got mh problems since the mask slipped.

QuickLearner · 23/11/2021 11:11

@cally21

We have a young dc. I don't want to mess up their relationship with their dad. It's so tough.
You'll mess them up more if you stay
Gonnagetgoing · 23/11/2021 11:12

@cally21 - I bet he really wasn’t so different before you had your DC. I’m assuming he either hid aspects of his controlling/abusive behaviour or you chose to ignore them and thought DC would make it better.

I’m not being nasty or critical just saying it how it was because I was there but thank god got out.

QuickLearner · 23/11/2021 11:16

The next time he tells you that he has his bags packed tell him to fuck off and leave. Then look for the panic in his eyes because you've called his bluff and are asserting yourself to his narc/abusive behaviour

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 11:18

I can guarantee that the counselling won't work OP.

So it's really convenient that he's "had his bags packed for 3 weeks just in case the counselling doesn't work out" - all you need now do is tell him to piss off.

When abuse is present in a relationship - & you mention both sexual & emotional abuse - no counsellor worth their salt will agree to proceed. It is recommended by professional therapists that couples counselling should NOT be entered into when one half of the couple is an abuser.

So this counselling was never going to work for you.

However ... please will you keep the appointments, & go on your own?
You need some serious handholding & help to discover why on earth you planned to STAY with a an abusive man. Why you planned to WORK on keeping him in the relationship.

He sexually abused you! - why do you want to be anywhere near him?
And the emotional abuse is just as bad. It's turned you into someone who is upset becuase her abuser wants to leave her. You should be celebrating!

I am sorry OP, I am not trying to tell you your feelings are all wrong. I understand the pull of the abusive relationship & how impossible it can feel to extricate yourself from it. But THIS IS NOT RIGHT FOR YOU. You can beg him to stay, but he will only hurt you again.

You will not recover from his abuse until you are free of him.
Embrace the opportunity, & get rid of him. Please. Flowers

Crunchymum · 23/11/2021 11:19

Partner and I been having real problems recently (some abusive stuff involved on his part - sexual and emotional)

He is sexually and emotionally abusing you.

Throw his bloody bags out the window!!!

Lweji · 23/11/2021 11:21

@cally21

Is there hope of a happy relationship after one like this? Will i be happy again or lonely forever ? I'm almost 40 ...
AIBU to be v upset and pissed off?

Yes. Be glad and help him move out.

And yes, there is hope of a much better relationship.
I left my exH when I was 40 and I am now at 50 in a happy relationship, which started when I was 47.
You will need to be choosy, though.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 11:21

@cally21

He doesn't see it as abuse, that's the problem... I learned from MN that it is.
I don't give a FUCK what he calls it.

And you don't need to either.

You don't need his agreement, to know what it is.
You don't need his permission, to know what it is.

You cannot "counsel" an abuser out of being abusive.
All they do is play the system, & gain more ammunition to use against you.
Read this - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

19Bears · 23/11/2021 11:21

I'd love mine to pack his bags and I'd be waving him off down the street.

There is nothing to save here, OP. Start again and be happy x

Lovelymincepies · 23/11/2021 11:21

So you would rather carry on being abused, fucking up your child's life and how they view relationships in the future, than be a on your own!!!

Women need to learn how to be single and then they might not get into these fucked up abusive relationships out of desperation.

He is emotionally and sexually abusing you, he has shown you his true colours. Have some self-respect and throw him out!