Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

192 replies

Londonlassy · 23/11/2021 09:08

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/11/2021 09:09

If he’s that bothered, why can’t he clean it himself?

Just say no.

inininsomnia · 23/11/2021 09:10

It all depends on whether he also does small jobs for you - ?

mewkins · 23/11/2021 09:13

He could literally get a cloth out and clean the TV cabinet at the point of asking you to do that.

abigailsnan · 23/11/2021 09:14

Don't do it tell him you never had time,can't he pick up a duster himself my late OH always did household chores when I was at work or he was not at work does he do his fare share or just leave his orders for you ?

shouldistop · 23/11/2021 09:15

@inininsomnia

It all depends on whether he also does small jobs for you - ?
This ^

I wouldn't be bothered by these requests but dh does plenty for me.

Jibberjabberhutt · 23/11/2021 09:15

What percentage of the domestic admin does he take responsibility for? What does he actually do to contribute to family life?

JurgensCakeBaby · 23/11/2021 09:15

If I was spring cleaning the house that would include the TV cabinet.... As for the could you pick up X that's ok if he does it too. It also depends who is at home more, my dad is retired my mum still works full time, she's a lot more likely to say to him when you go to the shops this week could you pick up ABC, than the other way around but simply because he has a lot more free time. Equally my dad's GP is right near DMs work so if he needs a prescription collecting she'll do that before/after work

Fatgalslim · 23/11/2021 09:15

So what cleaning does he do OP and what small favours does he do for you?

FreeBritnee · 23/11/2021 09:16

Add some jobs to his list assuming he does anything at all around the house.

girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 09:17

If you were taking the day off to do a full clean surely you'd do the tv cabinet anyway?

lifesgoodwithlg · 23/11/2021 09:17

Repeat after me, I am not your PA. My partner does the same all the time,

notacooldad · 23/11/2021 09:18

Occasionally this happens in our house.
We tell the other to 'DIYMFS!'
🤣

ErrolTheDragon · 23/11/2021 09:19

Given that the OP had explicitly asked her DH not to add to her task list, it was wrong of him to do exactly that. So it's not surprising she got upset.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/11/2021 09:22

Surely the TV cabinet would be part of the deep clean tour doing anyway?!

As for the other stuff like others have said, depends if he would do the same for you. DH & I are a partnership, we do odd jobs for each other all the time depending on who is working where and who is out of the house the most.

notacooldad · 23/11/2021 09:23

I think if you were spring cleaning ( in autumn 🤔) the TV cabinet would be done anyway.
The things about expecting coffee or take out lunch would be a habit I would be breaking. Picking up prescription or similar makes sense uf you are already out and about.
In other words I would be looking at each request individually and also noticing if he picks up slack for you.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/11/2021 09:23

I completely understand why you got angry, and I would argue that it couldn’t have been disproportionate.

But I’m really struggling to understand why it even registers with you tbh. If my DH tried to tell me what to do or assign me jobs...well, I don’t know what I’d do because he’s never presumed to do so. He’s not my boss, he doesn’t give me tasks to do.

Thecurliestwurly · 23/11/2021 09:24

Give him the same treatment and ask him to do little jobs for you too, or just don't do it and say you ran out of time. If he says it only takes a few minutes, then ask him why he can't do it himself.

I know how you feel. I can't go somewhere directly - always have to pick up something from a shop, or take clothing to recycling containers/charity shops. If I clean a room, it is in a mess in an instant when the kids arrive home. Its thankless and tiresome. I barely get a few hours a week to exercise or to watch a programme I like without being distracted by household stuff. I do post a couple if times on MN a day, mainly because it's lonely doing all this by myself and I don't see my friends often.

What does your DH do out of curiosity?

I think you should spend the next day off on yourself if you are getting overwhelmed and then you might feel better about tackling things. I know how you feel though, last time I was off sick I ended up washing my sofa cushions as it was sunny out and I couldn't just sit there and stare at the marks on them. I'm my own worst enemy.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/11/2021 09:25

@notacooldad

Exactly.

That’s exactly what I would have said to him, telling me to do a 5 minute job that he could just as easily have done for himself...

Do it your motherfuckin’ self.

Sparklfairy · 23/11/2021 09:27

If I was spring cleaning the house that would include the TV cabinet....

This, so why would he mention it unless it was a passive aggressive positioning himself as your boss giving you a job.

The coffee/lunch/prescription would depend on if I was passing and the queues at the time. If it would add a lot of time to what I was already doing I wouldn't.

Constant small requests of could you "just" do this for me get very wearing over time.

rrhuth · 23/11/2021 09:27

Have you tried telling him to fuck off and do it himself?

coconutpie · 23/11/2021 09:28

@rrhuth

Have you tried telling him to fuck off and do it himself?
This.
annonymousse · 23/11/2021 09:28

My DH used to do this too. It felt like he was stamping his authority and eventually I put a stop to it. He would 'suggest' things I could do on my day off. I work in health care so it's not a mon-fri job and I often have days off in the week when he is at work. Bearing in mind he has all weekends off and I don't tell him how to spend his time I snapped one day and told him he is not in charge of me and I am perfectly capable of filling my free time in whatever way I deem necessary. He's much better now ☺️

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/11/2021 09:29

notacooldad

I think if you were spring cleaning ( in autumn 🤔) the TV cabinet would be done anyway“

A proper spring clean where you do all of the furniture inside and out would take several days. OP has one day.

Dillydilly01 · 23/11/2021 09:29

Cleaning the tv cabinet would be one task I definitely would do now. Why isn't your DH helping with this spring-clean? Imagine one adult in a house asking another adult to clean something, eh, do it yourself.

billy1966 · 23/11/2021 09:29

What does HE do for you?

Does he do his share of the load in the home?

Do you have children?

If No is the answer, why are you behaving like his servant and house skivvy?

Flowers