DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

[Londonlassy]

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

I live in Aus and yes people buy takeaway coffee to have at home all the time. It’s one of the few things you could do during lockdown, go out buy a coffee and have it at home. It’s a habit and aussies also love their coffee. The quality is excellent.

I'd just say no, sorry I didn't have 5 minutes. I was brought up the same as you, that you shouldn't ask if you can do it yourself but I was also taught to say no, sorry, I can't do that.

Since when were you the maid?
Just say no.

@thecatsthecats

I have a similar tendency to get narked when the following conversation happens:

Me: I'm going to make X for lunch.
Him: Ooh, can I have some too?

Why? Because I just wouldn't ever ask him to make me lunch, and he's never making lunch that I'd like (he's on a restrictive diet). To serve him "X" I'd have to adapt the recipe, spend more of my shorter lunch break making him the same, and he doesn't twig that I never ask him the same.

I'm actually alone on holiday right now, and it is blissfully easy just seeing to myself. All the "why is it a big deal" people can fuck the fuck off in my opinion - if you spend a week with just yourself and you alone to sort things for, then you realise exactly how much mental load even a loving, cooperative partner can be.

Oooh yeah I agree. That's a joy of being single, non of this crap.

There's only you to make the sandwich
And you can clean what you damn well like.

@SpookyScarySkeletons

I have RTFT *@StEval* (including all of OPs posts) and still don't agree.

Just seems a sad state of affairs when a married couple can't be arsed picking up a prescription or another quick 5 minute task for the other one.

I know right, @SpookyScarySkeletons?

Just seems a sad state of affairs when one half of a married couple noticed a 5 minute TV-cleaning job, & instead of doing it himself, tells his wife that she must add it to her full day list of chores.

The tv cabinet seems fine, as it seems more a reminder that it might need a quick wipe if you are cleaning everything anyway, so that in particular wouldn't bother me.
The takeout coffee would generally be a no for me as that is more an additional favour than anything else, but picking up a prescription when out anyway would be fairy normal and I would also ask my DH to do this if he is going out.
I think you need to remember that you clearly grew up differently, and have different povs on this. Maybe you should start asking him to do things for you when he is out - pick up things for you that you need, give something a onceover when he is at a loose end. That will make it feel more equal. In my mind it would be easier to start asking him for similar than for him to stop asking. Never asking each other to do anything extra for the other would seem like a bit of an odd relationship to me.

Everyone is missing the point, it doesn't matter that she'd likely be doing it anyway or that it's a five min job. It's the fact she explicitly said don't add to my chores but he did and does regularly. It's the fact he's always asking for 'just a little something' without considering she's busy and has enough to do. All the five min jobs add up to weigh alot if you are doing the lion share of all the house stuff. At this point you are so frustrated everything is seeming unreasonable and bigger than it is, find a calm moment and sit down with him and explain it to him like you have here. He probably really doesn't realise it's a problem because he doesn't give a thought to all the things you do to keep the place running (which in itsself is a problem) however being open and honest is better in the long run. Also learn the value of no. Doesn't matter how big or small the task if you don't want to do it just say no. It's becomes alot easier over time

The op just needs to 'not do the job'

'If you get 5 minutes, can you just' isn't the same as 'please pick up my prescription'

The op just needs to say 'yes ok' and when he asks where his prescription is, she says 'no I didn't have 5 minutes to pick it up'

If he then says 'please pick up my prescription' op responds with 'I don't have time, you'll have to do it'

If he then says 'well you could have picked it up as you're now sat down' she responds with 'I also need time to rest'

Stop being a walk over

I am firmly with you OP.

My late DF had a neat response to this (DM was prone to reeling off lists of instructions) when he felt his good nature was being imposed on. To be fair, he was a sweet-natured, helpful soul, but when pushed too far....."Just stick a broom up my backside, and I'll sweep the floor as I go"

Even your title DH always adds minor jobs to my workload indicates to me that your thinking could perhaps do with some attention.

DH asking you whether you could do something for him, with not a flicker of complaint if you just can't, fair enough.

It sounds to me as if there is something g more complicated going on here. You default to thinking since he asked, it has become something you have to do. No way.

Does he get arsey if you can't or don't ?

That is a very different kettle of fish. One thing I learned from MN is to say 'no' to something trivial early on in the relationship, to gauge how they respond. Very interesting to observe how they react.

@MammaMacgill87

Everyone is missing the point, it doesn't matter that she'd likely be doing it anyway or that it's a five min job. It's the fact she explicitly said don't add to my chores but he did and does regularly. It's the fact he's always asking for 'just a little something' without considering she's busy and has enough to do. All the five min jobs add up to weigh alot if you are doing the lion share of all the house stuff. At this point you are so frustrated everything is seeming unreasonable and bigger than it is, find a calm moment and sit down with him and explain it to him like you have here. He probably really doesn't realise it's a problem because he doesn't give a thought to all the things you do to keep the place running (which in itsself is a problem) however being open and honest is better in the long run. Also learn the value of no. Doesn't matter how big or small the task if you don't want to do it just say no. It's becomes alot easier over time

Nope. Lots of us completely agree with the OP, so 'everyone' is not missing the point.

[quote Londonlassy]@girlmom21 I agree I need to say no. My challenge is when the requests are worded like “if you have 5 minutes today can you just…..when you’re out today could you just grab me…..etc etc.

I come across really petty saying no to minor jobs but it’s the fact that it doesn’t bother him that he knows I’m already doing housework and it’s ok to add to it[/quote]
You said up thread that you don't have a huge amount of extra time than him, but it sounds like you do have some more? In which case I'm not sure it is unreasonable to expect you to do some of these "extra" chores so it evens up that time. But it sounds a bit like he's starting to think of you as an assistant he can just off load little tasks he doesn't want on to, and I can see why that's annoying and bad for your relationship.

I wouldn't say "No" as such (unless it's clearly not going to work) because I think that can become more confrontational and inflexible than it needs to be. And can seem, as you say, petty. I would be more inclined to say things along the lines of "I'll see how it goes" then, at least some of the time, not do it if it it's at all awkward.

How is saying no petty?

How about saying I'm not your assistant, perhaps you can do it if you want?
Why do women put up with this shit?

No one is ever anyone's maid in a relationship if he doesn't like it, do it himself

My challenge is when the requests are worded like “if you have 5 minutes today can you just…..when you’re out today could you just grab me…..etc etc.

So, you come home and have not had time to do the additional errands.

Every.single.time.

He will eventually understand that giving you an action does not get the job done. Either he will be happy with that or ... you will know that it's not just the requests, it's an expectation that you spend some of your time on his things.

Could you just have a conversation! Tell him " I know I have a bit nore time because I work 4 days a week. However that time is for me to complete all the stuff that keeps things going for us all like cleaning, shopping etc etc. I know you only ask me to do small extra jobs but it causes me a lot of stress because I plan the time carefully to get what needs doing done and the small jobs mean I end up rushing/don't finish etc. Can we sort out a way that gets the things you need/notice done but without it causing me stress/eating into my time please." Then listen to his perspective and move forward from there to agree a way forward!