DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

[Londonlassy]

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

DH: "get me a takeaway coffee"
YOU: "what did your last servant die of? Why don't you go & get me one?"“

Or, put the kettle on you bloody spendthrift. I can’t believe people buy coffee to take home.

Suprise Pikachu face time

I love this!

@idontknowhowtostopit

I suppose it depends on the tone he uses and the balance of the relationship. I can't imagine refusing to pick DH a coffee up or his prescription if I was out because he would do the same for me. We make each other's lives easier wherever we can.

I'd not be upset if I said I was spending the day cleaning and he mentioned the tv cabinet needed doing as part of that. Just like if he said he was cleaning his car on the weekend, I'd ask him to do mine too.

If he is directing OP and doesn't help with picking up things for her in return, it's a bit different.

This. It's totally down to equity, tone and expectations.

If he pulled his weight and routinely did stuff for you and said offhand "oh could you do the tv cabinet while you're doing the living room?" I'd be fine.

If he doles out jobs to you like a CEO dispensing tasks to middle management he needs to learn that this isn't on and you need to start enforcing boundaries a bit better.

Why are you spending your day off to do housework? Does your husband take a day off work to do the housework?

Why the big announcement/speech about your day of housework? That seems weird to me.

Clearly there is more to this. You say you do all the domestic work but don't say whether why this is. Is it an expectation? Have you discussed it? Or do you just seethe with resentment and never say a word?

It doesn't seem a big deal on the surface, especially picking up stuff while you're out. When I go to pick up groceries/shop I ask if anyone needs/wants anything while I'm out. Same if someone else goes. If it bothers you that much, don't go. Order online. Send him.

Too hard to tell if YABU. Seems petty to me without any other real context. If my dh told me he was going to clean the kitchen, I can totally see myself saying "don't forget to clean around the sink" or something similar 🤷‍♀️

I'm in a similar work situation, and I take each request individually and respond whether or not I can. Sometimes, no, I can't get your prescription. It's not petty, it just doesn't fit into my plan.

To me the problem seems to be you feel you always have to say yes, so you now resent his requests. It seems like a prison of your own making. Just consider each request, and if you can't, just say "sorry I can't" - no big deal.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Suprise Pikachu face time

I love this!

I am definitely stealing it!

For times when people jump queues, for example, and you point it out, it's a perfect description!

Aw OP, you’ve a plan in your head and he’s derailing it. With care, is it maybe a behavioural thing with you ? Why it gets you so upset? My bestie is the same : she had a plan and THATS the plan and she tells everyone The Plan. Especially when she’s cleaning.

Agree, if you’re doing cleaning anyways then I’d try and get to it BUT if it’s really a 5 min job I’d be reminding him to do it today!? Not the weekend?
Is it the fact that he ALWAYS finds “little extras?”
And as others have said : does he do little jobs for you? If no, then jog on. Again wife not PA

I go to bed with my baby most nights and it rarely occurs to DH to continue on with any odd jobs , but he WILL empty bins do dishes without prompting ( so he thinks he’s marvellous)
He asked me yesterday to phone around and find him an emergency dental appointment. I could’ve done it , but he’s an adult and I’m doing a million other things each day and told him no. Some may say harsh- but sometimes you have to say no….

I have a similar tendency to get narked when the following conversation happens:

Me: I'm going to make X for lunch.
Him: Ooh, can I have some too?

Why? Because I just wouldn't ever ask him to make me lunch, and he's never making lunch that I'd like (he's on a restrictive diet). To serve him "X" I'd have to adapt the recipe, spend more of my shorter lunch break making him the same, and he doesn't twig that I never ask him the same.

I'm actually alone on holiday right now, and it is blissfully easy just seeing to myself. All the "why is it a big deal" people can fuck the fuck off in my opinion - if you spend a week with just yourself and you alone to sort things for, then you realise exactly how much mental load even a loving, cooperative partner can be.

I agree with a lot of posts here. It seems very un balanced.
When I was 4 days I would use my 5th day to get on top of the house (once my youngest went to school). On a weekend unless something was really driving me mad housework wise I would relax and spend time with kids with him.
Now I’m back 5 days it’s so much harder to keep on top of things as life is so busy, kids are primary age so both of us are tired. I would say I definitely do more housework, but if DH started loading into me when I was already doing something I will say to him ok can you finish x off or I’m in the middle of something if it’s really bothering you you’re welcome to do it 🤣
We are pretty equal and we will remind each other that we need to share things because neither of us can do it all.
You need to be a bit stronger and even maybe change your old family view and start asking him to help because it’s not unusual for people to ask their partners / family for help. He might be very happy to help you

This is a really depressing thread. Me and DH always do things for each other. He wouldn't dream of saying "No I'm not picking up your prescription" if he was already going out.

I agree - seems a bit old fashioned. I think half the problem is it’s one sided - but if OP never ask DH to help out or do things then the guy could be completely oblivious

@SpookyScarySkeletons

This is a really depressing thread. Me and DH always do things for each other. He wouldn't dream of saying "No I'm not picking up your prescription" if he was already going out.

Thats not the case here though so why not RTFT? Op wouldnt be posting if it was a 2 way thing. Its not , hes ordering her about like a PA.

I have RTFT @StEval (including all of OPs posts) and still don't agree.

Just seems a sad state of affairs when a married couple can't be arsed picking up a prescription or another quick 5 minute task for the other one.

Brilliant! I'm adopting this method from now on

notacooldad what does DIYMFS mean?

@SpookyScarySkeletons

I have RTFT *@StEval* (including all of OPs posts) and still don't agree.

Just seems a sad state of affairs when a married couple can't be arsed picking up a prescription or another quick 5 minute task for the other one.

Well you clearly have zero understanding/ comprehension then! Its not about " not being arsed" Its about one person treating the other like a PA. I always think calling a situation sad is a way of negating feelings and shutting down debate.

Mine does this when I say I will clean the next day. I react disproportionately and ask him to .....
However he doesn't realise that he is doing something wrong after all I am going to clean! He also would do small tasks I ask him to.
Depends on your particular situation I think.

currylover55
When we say 'DIYMFS' it's said as joke from the above song!!
( Do it your MF self)

This issue came up in couples therapy with exh. The therapist was really clear with him. If you see it, and it bothers you (not your wife!) take care of it.

@StEval

Too right.

What's really sad is being obtuse.🙄

My husband will ask me to do things, which I am ALWAYS happy to do jobs, in my own time.

Because we have a marriage where we are respectful and kind, and do things for each other ALL the time.

This is NOT the case here.
The OP is being used as a bloody PA.

'That's fine, I'll do the cabinet, but that means I won't have time for a couple of other little jobs - so I'll do that and you just give the toilet a good scrub, especially under the rim, clean out the dishwasher and washing machine filters and wash and disinfect the outside bins as they need to be done as well'.

He'll have the Mr Sheen and a yellow duster out before you've even finished your sentence.

[quote Londonlassy]@girlmom21 I agree I need to say no. My challenge is when the requests are worded like “if you have 5 minutes today can you just…..when you’re out today could you just grab me…..etc etc.

I come across really petty saying no to minor jobs but it’s the fact that it doesn’t bother him that he knows I’m already doing housework and it’s ok to add to it[/quote]
When you feel you have done enough, stop. If he asks if you picked-up his coffee etc, just say ‘no, didn’t have time’ because that’s true if you have done enough. He is asking if you have the time, will you do X. That in itself is not unreasonable. You have to take responsibility for what you do and where your boundaries lie.

I do get the impression though that perhaps you are taking too much responsibility for domestic stuff. Working 4-days-a-week and doing virtually all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, childcare and, I’m guessing, cooking, whilst he works 5-days-a-week and does very little else is not a fair distribution of labour. If this is the case, he needs to do more.

If the tv cabinet is an issue for him could he not just wipe it down himself?

I would say of course I will dear. Then forget. Every single time.