DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

[Londonlassy]

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

My post should have said - cleaning the cabinet would be a task I would `NOT be doing now.

You can’t change him but you can change how you respond. I would not do the Tv cabinet. Do the jobs you had planned.

If he mentions it then say you were busy with other things.

You’ve made your position clear and he should respect that

Don't allow it, he's not your boss.
He needs to learn to respect you.

I’d do it all except the tv cabinet personally.

And no way would l be picking up coffees/ prescriptions for him when shopping. He’s a grown man, shopping is stressful enough. Send him shopping instead.

Surely a lot of these are things people who live together do for each other if one of them is out and about anyway? If I am shopping I get things for my dh and he does the same for me.

As for the TV cabinet, I dont see that as "adding to the task list" - would someone really spring-clean the rest of the room and leave the cabinet dirty??

Maybe the op should make a list of tasks, add the ruddy cabinet to the bottom, then when her DH gets home suggest they divvy up the ones she's not had time for, unless he'd like to do them all on his next day off?

Agree with PP - what's important is whether this is all one way or does he also do things for you. Also, what is the tone? Is it him saying lightly, "oh, if you're at Sainsbury's can you get me a coffee on your way back if you have time please?" or is it more, "Here is a list of tasks I need performed to my standards, to my timeline." Because that makes a big difference.

Without meaning to come across as petty, I'd leave the TV cabinet. Otherwise it gives the impression you didn't have that much to do and have plenty of time to fit in the little extra jobs he asks of you, and you definitely want him to be getting the opposite message. Just tell him you didn't have time but it's only a 5 minute job so he can do it after tea.

Picking him up lunch and coffees isn't something I'd be doing regularly either tbh, much as I love my DH! Try a "I'm not planning to go to [insert coffee shop/cafe name here] today. Can pick you up a meal deal in Tesco while I'm doing the shop?"

I wouldn't be bothered by these requests but dh does plenty for me
This.
I wouldn't mind picking up a coffee or a prescription when I'm out because DH would do the same for me when he is out.

I'm not sure the issue itself is about asking someone to pick things up, and more that it sounds like OP's DH doesn't pull his weight around the house at all (I'm assuming here, but strongly suspect he views housework as wife work and doesn't see mess, whilst being happy to direct OP to do things he thinks need doing).

I'd get him a to do list pad and fill it up with all the jobs he expects you to do.

Plenty of people do a "spring clean" in autumn. Especially those who do Christmas decorations.

'oh no sorry, no time'

The end!

I’d be just petty and maybe wipe coffee or something on the cabinet.

He sounds a pita. You’re not his secretary or housekeeper.

Dh tries to do stuff like this to me e.g ‘text dd.’ I told him to text her himself. I’m not his PA

@3scape

I'd get him a to do list pad and fill it up with all the jobs he expects you to do. Plenty of people do a "spring clean" in autumn. Especially those who do Christmas decorations.

Why? By all means make a list of jobs that need doing, but on the understanding that he needs to contribute an equal amount of his time off to doing them.

Just be more dick like yourself. Give a non-committal ‘mmm’ and conveniently forget. Don’t announce you’ve forgotten, wait for him to ask and then respond ‘chill out babe’. Eventually he’ll stop asking

I do the majority of domestic tasks because I work less hours then DH so yes it feels like DH always asking me to do tasks and I rarely ask him but I still work 4 days a week and do the bulk of housework child care so it’s not like I have a huge amount more free time each week

I was raised so that you never ask someone to do something you can do yourself so I would never ask him to clean the cabinet.

There’s a lot to unpick here.

Firstly, why are you “telling everyone” what you are doing with your day off? I don’t understand this. Why do people even know you have a day off? I think you need to start here and maybe get some professional weekly help with boundary setting and assertiveness. You’re not the Queen. You aren’t accountable to anyone. End of. Your work colleagues don’t need to know your whereabouts nor family. The truth is that nobody cares. Do you know what Tom, Dick and Harry are doing with their days off? No. You’ve got into bad habits which stem from anxiety and people pleasing. Your DH has got into the bad habit of getting an ego boost from having you fulfill his demands. Always keep in mind that you are an adult not a child and you are accountable only to yourself. Delete all social media. This is your first step. Are you reporting on your daily movements/activities on Facebook? If you are, stop. Delete it. Break the habit. It’s nobody’s business what you do. Stop broadcasting. Start being evasive and learn stock phrases. “I haven’t decided yet” “I’m not sure” “I’m going to go with the flow” “I’ll decide in the morning” etc
Also, are you responding to every text and phone call the moment they happen? Stop. Start waiting 24 hours. You are not paid to respond to every persons random musings or requests.
If I have a day off nobody knows. I tell my husband the day before only because we need to sort out childcare. Have you got kids? If not, he doesn’t even need to know you’re having a day off.
Is he WFH? How much housework is he doing? F you and he are both working same hours the shopping and cleaning should be 50/50. Is it? What’s his contribution?
I don’t mind picking up my DH a bacon roll every time I pop to the shops because he does the lions share of washing and dishwasher loading.
It evens out.
You are feeling resentful I’m guessing because he isn’t pulling his weight.
You don’t have to have a discussion or argument. Just don’t do the things. Don’t clean the cabinet and don’t get the coffee. When/if he notices you say “ I decided not to” if he pushes back you then say “I’m not fulfilling anymore of your requests until the workload in the house is 50/50. You need to clean some things yourself and fetch things from the shop yourself” then walk away.

@inininsomnia

It all depends on whether he also does small jobs for you - ?

Agreed. I wouldn't worry at all about DH wanting a coffee, because I know he wouldn't hesitate to get me one if I asked

It sounds like there's more going on behind the scenes, and these little things are just the final straw. Is that true?

DP and I ask small things of each other all the time. It's what couples do. But it has to be equal and respectful. Personally, I don't see the issue with being asked to pick up a coffee or prescription when you're already out - there has to be something more going on here.

I do trades with my DH!
Do you want to pick up DC from X (hour round trip) or vacuum the house?
Do you want to do the shopping or put the bins out and tidy the kitchen?
Every job comes as a pair! One for him and one for me! 🤣

Also I live in Australia we and it’s the end of our Spring so yes I am spring cleaning

I’ve read your latest update.

You were raised wrong and you need to have a mindset shift. That’s outdated thinking and your husband is certainly asking you to do things he can do himself! You are supposed to be a partnership. You are not his PA.

Start saying no to these requests or the resentment will eat away and ruin your marriage. See this as an opportunity to have a more balanced life and an investment in the future of your marriage

Oh no, no.
Write him a to do list what to do for ie in the garden and all that "manly" little jobs if he wants to play this game.;)

And keep adding more and more .😆

I don’t think there is anything odd about picking up the other persons lunch, prescription or getting them a coffee if out anyway. And I don’t think it is particularly off for him to mention an item that needs some attention when you have already declared that you will be doing some jobs around the house.

But there is perhaps an unevenness in the split of chores, you are only working one day less than him after all. So I think you need to talk about that, rather than the odd requests which seem reasonable.

I was raised so that you never ask someone to do something you can do yourself so I would never ask him to clean the cabinet.

That's just wierd. I can empty the bins myself but I don't like doing it so always ask DP to do it (to be fair, he mainly does it without the need for me to ask now). I can also change a wheel or the oil on my car but I always ask him as he is better at it than I am.

If I am going shopping and passing a shop that he needs something from, I don't mind popping in and picking it up, and if I was spring cleaning anyway, the TV cabinet would be a 2 minute job and I would do it.

I told my therapist about something similar and she said consider everything they ask you to do as a favour.

When it's just a one off, it's just a nice favour. When it's every day, every week, every month, it's not a favour. It's called taking advantage.

Don't let your husband take advantage of you.