DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

[Londonlassy]

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

@MotherWol

Oh god, mine does this too. Always just presented as a minor thing: "If you're out today, could you drop X at the post office?/If you're going to the shop can you pick me up X, Y & Z?" It drives me crazy! If you've got chores, do them yourself.

But why? If I am going into town, I ask DH if he wants anything.

If DH goes into town, he asks if I want anything.

I find anything else quite bizarre.

However, I also think takeaway coffee is a waste of time and effort, make it at home.

I don't clean much anyway so dusting the TV cabinet wouldn't be an issue but if I was doing the lounge it would get done.

I get you… there’s only so many “while you’re at it…” and “While you’re out’s…” I can take before I get stabby.
Also, the “While you’re out’s” invariably happen when you’re almost home, too. Gaaaaah!

@5thnonblonde

Ah the ‘just’ jobs. My DH will also climb 3 flights of stairs to ask me to wipe down the worktops (on the day he has the baby). I point out that a) he could have done it in that time and b) I do housework and childcare simultaneously, so can he. It has begun to tail off. If it’s such a ‘just’ job it’s likely he could have completed it in the time it took him to notice it/remember to tell you/pass that info on

Would it not even occur to him how ridiculous that is! To climb three flights of stairs rather than doing a simple job. Words fail me.

DH and I request and do this sort of thing all the time, but it cuts both ways.

Likewise I feel I could say 'sorry I'm in a rush today, I don't know if I'll have time to get to the coffee shop' without feeling petty.

Can you schedule free time for yourself? Even spending 30 minutes of your day off doing yoga on YouTube etc, so you don't feel like the day comes and goes and gets erroded by chores

@Couchbettato

I told my therapist about something similar and she said consider everything they ask you to do as a favour.

When it's just a one off, it's just a nice favour. When it's every day, every week, every month, it's not a favour. It's called taking advantage.

Don't let your husband take advantage of you.

I think this is an excellent way of thinking about it.

This is why secret days off are so great.

Next time just book a day and don't tell anyone. It's amazing what you can get done when you don't have anyone else adding to your to do list.

YANBU at all! My DH does this, or rather tries to do this, all the time.

Firstly he does minimal stuff in the house anyway, and so the few designated things that are 'his' jobs he just leaves and leaves and leaves, basically trying to delegate them to me. There's also a lot of assuming that I will do things.

Then there is the following situation. I'll do a mock up conversation about how it goes. He does this all the time:

Him: Hmmm, I really need to get round to posting that parcel (that he's had in his car for about a week)
Me: Oh, right
Him: Yeah, it needs to be posted by X date
Me: Oh does it?
Him: Yes. So can I leave that with you then?

ALL the fucking time. I always say no now.

I don't mind picking something up from the same shop & something else nearby, but if it involves driving somewhere else & parking again it can be a faff.

"if you're in town..."-well, how big is town & how far apart is everything?

Does he never pass by these places to do it himself?

For one day a week 'not working' you do an awful lot. How about saying you are going down to 3 days a week in order to get all the chores done or going 5 days a week so he'll have to do 50/50 on the chores? Ask him which he'd rather you do? Of course this is hypothetical and you should do what you want but it might illustrate how much you do.
Also agree with getting more assertive and having a few one liners ready.

DH is mowing the grass, I asked if he could fit lights in my summer house whilst he’s down there. He is.
If I was going to the shops I’d ask if he wanted anything. It’s a partnership.
Some people’s relationships seem more like a Cold War.

@DustyMaiden
From my own relationship, plus those of 90% of my family and friends, most of them are once kids arrive. Unfortunately. Always the same pattern- little things, resentment builds.

Depends what he does around the house and for you tbh.

I do most of the tidying, laundry etc but dh usually always cooks and does the shopping or we go together.

As for picking up a prescription I would do that but not to grab him a coffee or lunch tell him there's food in he can have.

@DustyMaiden it’s not a Cold War but a zero sum game. If I use all my child free time doing chores I’ll free up his child free time to pursue interests. I’m not really keen to do that long term although I don’t mind occasionally if his need is greater

[quote 5thnonblonde]@DustyMaiden it’s not a Cold War but a zero sum game. If I use all my child free time doing chores I’ll free up his child free time to pursue interests. I’m not really keen to do that long term although I don’t mind occasionally if his need is greater[/quote]
If your relationship is a zero sum game, it's not healthy. You're not opponents.

your relationship is a zero sum game, it's not healthy. You're not opponents.

Which is precisely why the OP has started the thread !
He is behaving like he is her boss and she is staff.
We all do things for each other but its not equal, he is giving her orders.

@Londonlassy

all IsDaveThere My frustration is I do all the grocery shopping so it’s always me having to pop in the shops for him. I do the bulk of the cleaning so it’s really easy for DH to add a small cleaning task.

Stop doing it all.

Put it on your list - don't prioritise it - if it doesn't get done just say you didn't have time.

Tell him to do the 5 min jobs himself.

Re prescriptions/coffee, don’t tell him you’re going there or say you won’t have time.

It would take me much longer than a day to spring clean. Maybe the op had a plan for her allotted time ie deep clean the kitchen. That would take me more than one day and someone adding on another random task would effect my focus and I would be really annoyed.

Serious question. Do all if you who think this is ok do an entire deep clean in one day? If you do, how?

Just for info, I do the vast majority of housework because I don't work. My husband deep cleans all the audio visual stuff and wouldn't dream of adding it to my to-do list. There are some jobs that you do yourself if it bothers you so much.

@knittingaddict maybe you need to clean more regularly if you can’t do your kitchen in a day?! Assuming you live in a standard sized house...

your not his slave you have one day off and do all the house and dc chores what does he do onhis days off

What does he do for you?

That would bug me.

@Londonlassy

all IsDaveThere My frustration is I do all the grocery shopping so it’s always me having to pop in the shops for him. I do the bulk of the cleaning so it’s really easy for DH to add a small cleaning task.

I left an ex after 30 years with him, and this was no small part of why.

He was amazing at trying to avoid his fair share of chores. After we'd had the DC, I went part time, but that was still 28 hours a week compared to his 39 hours. Yet he'd still expect me to be the one picking up every household/child related task while he sat on his arse. He'd wait until I'd pretty much completed everything before asking "is there anything I can do?", late in the evening.

When I finally went back full time, he was asking me to do x, y and z until I pointed out that actually he was the one working slightly less than me. Surprise Pikachu face time, he clearly hadn't expected me to pull him up on it.

I told him he had to do more. His main days off were in the week so I told him he could do the cooking, as well as chores, on those days. I only found out, after the DC and I had left, that he had dumped the chores on our DC, expecting them to do them after school and in preference to completing their homework. They'd been too scared of him to tell me. I didn't realise, as he had done dinner on those days.

So @Londonlassy if you don't want this to fester with you, you need to be pulling him up and asking him to do his fair share now. OK, you can do a little more, because of your slightly fewer hours, but he needs to be taking a fair share of anything over those few hours.