Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

192 replies

Londonlassy · 23/11/2021 09:08

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:21

@ChargingBuck you post "I genuinely don't understand" then tell me I've missed the point? Good try...

frazzledasarock · 23/11/2021 10:27

If you feel he is taking the piss and his 'little requests' are not reciprocal, I'd start forgetting. forget to clean the TV cabinet today, forget his coffee, forget his perscriptions.

Then start adding things to his work load, oooh you're driving past the grocery shop, pick up a few bits for dinner, grab me a coffee whilst you're there etc.

On the other hand you sound like you are angry with your H and this is a slow build up and you're at exploding point now. You need to talk to him. If only if it is to tell him to get his own coffee and get his arse into gear and clean too.

I really dislike the one at home being default skivvy, the person WOH should also be doing household chores too.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 10:30

@Londonlassy

all IsDaveThere My frustration is I do all the grocery shopping so it’s always me having to pop in the shops for him. I do the bulk of the cleaning so it’s really easy for DH to add a small cleaning task.
Why do you do all the grocery shopping? Is DH incapable of understanding that people need to eat, & how shops work? If you insist on allowing him to get away with never doing it ... at least, when he adds more 'pop in to ...' tasks to that load, you could have a go at saying NO. "My plan is a quick whiz round XYZ shop & straight home again so I'm not doing any detours today." "If you need to pop into those few shops, why don't you pick up the groceries while you're there? Here's the list." Or even - & he will find this radical - "I can't be arsed to do the grocery shopping this week. Or menu plan, or make a shopping list. So it's up to you this week, I'll do it next week, then we can keep taking turns."

Similarly - WHY are you doing the bulk of the housework? I bet he does fuck-all except take bins out & use a lawnmower. If you work 4 days to his 5, he's only working about 8 hours more than you are. How many hours do you spend doing housework, shopping, life admin, child-wrangling?
it’s really easy for DH to add a small cleaning task.
It's really easy to say no.
Or not even say no ... just not do it.
"Oh, I must have forgotten. Glad you pointed it out, you know where the dusting cloths are/hoover is/shops are."

You need a big attitude change here OP - because feeling resentful & put-upon but continuing to accept that he is the boss of you & doing what you are told is not going to fix this problem.

Madmog · 23/11/2021 10:32

If the tv isn't on your list of priorities for today, leave it. If he wants it done that much, tell him where the dusters/cleaning clothes are!

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 10:33

[quote girlmom21]@ChargingBuck you post "I genuinely don't understand" then tell me I've missed the point? Good try...[/quote]
I genuinely don't understand why OP is meekly accepting jobs from His Lordship, no @girlmom21

That's my point. The one you missed.

Kikkomam · 23/11/2021 10:35

Just don't tell him what you are doing or where you are going? I have a day off today and dh has no idea what I am doing (fuck all as it happens)

girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:41

@ChargingBuck I actually agree with you. She shouldn't be accepting jobs and he shouldn't be giving them out.

But I also think by telling all and sundry that you're using your day off to clean the whole house you're encouraging people to remind you to do the little things that sometimes get missed.

If she hadn't said she was going to be cleaning all day I can't imagine he'd have asked her to clean the cabinet out of the blue.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 23/11/2021 10:50

Ignore the requests and just don't do them.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 23/11/2021 10:57

YABU just say no.

I do stuff like this for my DH but I don't mind because he will do stuff for me as well. If it's one sided then that isn't fair at all.

Original poster
Londonlassy · 23/11/2021 10:57

@girlmom21 I agree I need to say no. My challenge is when the requests are worded like “if you have 5 minutes today can you just…..when you’re out today could you just grab me…..etc etc.

I come across really petty saying no to minor jobs but it’s the fact that it doesn’t bother him that he knows I’m already doing housework and it’s ok to add to it

OP posts:
StrongArm · 23/11/2021 10:58

I hate to say it but I work FT and dp works fewer hours than I do and I often ask him to do things - isn't it a fairly normal thing? He just popped out to the pharmacy and I asked him to pick up something for me while he was out!

I wouldn't tell him what you're doing on your day off though, that's none of his business surely! Also just don't tell him when you're going out. Tbh I only ask when dp asks me if I need something because he's going out - I am sure there are other times when he doesn't ask!

HawthornLantern · 23/11/2021 11:03

Perhaps you can reply along the lines of, “if I have time” or “I’ll see how it goes.” So it’s a bit more non-committal to start with (and don’t do the little extra job!) and work your way up to no? I agree, you need to get to the point of being comfortable saying no and once you are I suspect the feelings of frustration will fall away because you will feel in control of your time.

19Bears · 23/11/2021 11:12

I'm absolutely guilty of this - getting on with housework by myself while dh thinks he's helping by lifting his feet out of the way of the hoover, and I'm seething inside. The reason I never say anything is because the kids are there and I just want to stay as my cheerful self for them. I realise I am doing this all wrong and I should speak up, both for myself, and to show the kids that cleaning is not a mum job, it's for everyone to chip in with. Also I guess I do it to prove to him I just don't need him. But I only end up resentful and angry and wish I could just shout at him, "Have you ever even touched the hoover in 15 years?! Have you ever once cooked for me in 15 years?! Have you ever cleaned a bathroom in your life??!" I work Monday to Friday, and spend a lot of my weekend doing housework and food shopping, therefore no real rest. I do go out for a 10 mile run on a sunday as my 'break' but it's bloody hard work just to get a bit of time to myself!!!

The only thing I refuse to do is clean his desk and computer which I stopped doing months ago. It is a disgusting mess, but he doesn't seem to see it and just carries on working there.
I'd love to take a day off work and have a cleaning day. I'd love it. But he's there wfh so I haven't been able to do that for the past 18 months...

Depending on your situation, tell him to get on with it himself and split the jobs fairly if you want to stay together. Or if you've had enough and want him to leave, carry on doing the work for yourself, your way, and tell him he can go and sort his own stuff out elsewhere. This is the option I want to take. I've had enough.

theremustonlybeone · 23/11/2021 11:16

I dont think it is the requests that are the issue as he isnt asking you to go out of your way. Your doing the stuff anyway.

The issue I think is that your doing everything, you feel that you have to pick up everything including childcare because you work 4 days a week. Your DH isnt pulling his weight and it sounds like your being taken for granted. You need to stop burning yourself out by doing everything. Your meant to be a team. Time for a conversation

fumfspos · 23/11/2021 11:17

The TV cabinet would really annoy me.
If he's noticed it's dirty he should have just cleaned it when he noticed. He lives there too. It's his home and he should be equally responsible for keeping it nice.
I can't stand people thinking that because they work full time and their partner works fewer hours they are absolved from doing any kind of household tasks apart from taking the bin out and emptying the dishwasher.

If someone is at home more then they should do more but it doesn't mean the other person gets to do fuck all and laze around like fucking Julius Caesar pointing out what his slave hasn't done.

I had this with my ex. Instead of him simply cleaning whatever it was he'd come and tell me about it and say I needed to clean it. Caused no end of rows and now he's an ex, thank fuck.

The picking up stuff in town is a bit different. If you're driving somewhere and the pharmacy is near then it makes sense for you just to get the prescription. Takeaway coffee is a bit of a pain but I would do other errands for my partner if necessary. However, it works both ways so if he never goes grocery shopping and he never does an extra errand for you when he's nearby then that's not acceptable.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 11:17

Do you plan your days with a load of 'spare 5 mins' just in case a last-minute request comes through, or do you not? Does he?

If your day is already full, say so.

RobotValkyrie · 23/11/2021 11:18

No is a complete sentence.

I come across really petty saying no to minor jobs
No you don't.
You most probably come across (if "petty" is how you feel about yourself whenever you try and say "no") as someone with weak boundaries who can easily be taken advantage of.

Do you have the same problem at work? People-pleasers often get pushed over both at home and at work.
If you know how to stand your ground at work, then use the same approach at home.
If you lack assertiveness in both contexts, try and practice some simple sentences: "no", "no thanks", "not really", "not interested", "Sounds nice, but I have other plans", "How about you do it, while I have a cuppa?", "Excellent idea, I'm sure you'll do a great job!", etc.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 23/11/2021 11:22

If he's wording it as 'if you get 5 mins can you just' say yes. However only do it 'if' get get 5 minutes. Personally I'd only do it if I had the time or energy.

'Sorry dh I didn't get 5 mins to do the tv cabinet today, maybe you can do it on the weekend'

'Didn't get chance to pick up your take away/prescription, brought t the stuff straight home as there are lots of frozen stuff, I'm sure you can pop out later'

TatianaBis · 23/11/2021 11:24

[quote Londonlassy]@girlmom21 I agree I need to say no. My challenge is when the requests are worded like “if you have 5 minutes today can you just…..when you’re out today could you just grab me…..etc etc.

I come across really petty saying no to minor jobs but it’s the fact that it doesn’t bother him that he knows I’m already doing housework and it’s ok to add to it[/quote]
You need to stop thinking about these individual requests in isolation and sit down with DH and say that the domestic work/childcare needs to be split more equally as you’re not working much less than him and doing all of the rest - leading to an unequal workload.

He needs to be responsible for his prescription/coffee/whatever.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 11:24

That is a good point. Are you better at task planning and time management at work? Or do you constantly find yourself working overtime, or running around crazily trying to finish things, resenting other people, because you can't so no?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 11:25

'say no'

billy1966 · 23/11/2021 11:26

You really are the house skivvy, and work 4 days a week.

What a lazy waster you married.

Mind yourself OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 11:27

Oh and I bet if you did ask him to do a couple of little things 'if he has a spare five minutes', those little things would very quickly turn into big things that couldn't possibly be done in less than an hour.

Time for a big re-think and re-schedule of the way the two of you share out the domestic load.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 11:28

You're right @girlmom21

Telling her plans about her day off smacks of "reporting in".
It's playing into her man's sense of being her boss. Bleeeurgh.

EmotionallyWeird · 23/11/2021 11:29

TBH I wouldn't be that upset about the TV but I wouldn't prioritise it - I'd say "OK, if I get to the end of all the other jobs I've planned to do with time to spare." And then do it only if I had time to spare.

I wouldn't buy takeaway coffee for anyone who was at home with access to much cheaper home-brewed coffee though. That actually seems more outrageous to me than asking (not telling) someone who's cleaning anyway to do a small extra cleaning job.