DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

[Londonlassy]

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

Oh god, mine does this too. Always just presented as a minor thing: "If you're out today, could you drop X at the post office?/If you're going to the shop can you pick me up X, Y & Z?" It drives me crazy! If you've got chores, do them yourself.

Ah the ‘just’ jobs. My DH will also climb 3 flights of stairs to ask me to wipe down the worktops (on the day he has the baby). I point out that a) he could have done it in that time and b) I do housework and childcare simultaneously, so can he. It has begun to tail off. If it’s such a ‘just’ job it’s likely he could have completed it in the time it took him to notice it/remember to tell you/pass that info on

I vote for just ignoring him or forgetting.
He'll give up asking eventually.

and laze around like fucking Julius Caesar

Although to be fair, Caesar had an Important ManJob, @fumfspos.
The fucker never changed a nappy in his life.

Saying no can be hard when technically you can do those things. The answer is to unlearn your inhibition about asking him, I have heard that people with annoying habits often only realise how annoying they are when others do the same.

So he asks “oh while you’re out can you get me a coffee?” you say “sure, can you just clean the toilet while I’m out?” Or “don’t forget to change that lightbulb in the kitchen” or “little Jimmy needs that dentist appointment can you book that at lunch? Thanks!”

I wouldn’t mind picking up a prescription for my OH if I was out already but I would be somewhat irked if he noticed something in the house needed cleaning and delegated the job to me rather than just do it himself, and I would tell him so. Not in an arsey way just a “why don’t you do it?” Way.

I know I have gone through the experience, when about to go away, of reeling off a list of my 'just' jobs to the OH, as in, 'I was just about to do x, y, z, 1, 2, and 3, so if you could fit those in on your free evenings, that would be great'.

Not only did collating all those 'tiny' jobs into a list make it clear that there was actually a full day's work to do, it was also met with a flat 'No, I'm going out / watching TV that night'.

Priorities OP. You deserve leisure time, 'me time', putting your feet up watching telly and slobbing about time, too.

This is such a weird reaction to me.

I understand you asked for no more jobs to be added. But surely wiping the TV cabinet would be part of the clean anyway? If he did it when he asked it would need cleaning again after your deep clean as dust and such would settle on it.

As for being annoyed about picking stuff up for him when your out, again it's another non issue. If your already out that was then what's the drama? I do it for my DH and he would for me no questions asked.

I sense this is more frustration you have a day off and are spending it deep cleaning. (I would be pissed off too!).

I feel like this reaction is more about you feeling like your carrying the load of household and life admin while he goes to work and comes back without any worries.

I've felt like this and it needs to be addressed before you reach a point of resenting him.

I will never forget when my DH came home from work when I was on maternity leave with DS 18 months and my newborn daughter after cleaning house top to bottom, we were really excited to see my DH after work and his first words in the door was 'why is dinner not on the table, what have you been doing all day?!'

Straight away this was addressed and he now realises how much 'household stuff' he had no idea about. He does more than his fair share now and we communicate much better and I don't feel like I have manchild in the house!

OP, I think you might really enjoy this book -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It depends on your relationship and how it's been asked. In my house it's pretty normal to remind each other what needs doing, I don't take those to mean a bossy do it! If you're cleaning and someone reminds you the TV cabinet, that's pretty normal and ok I think? Again if the pharmacy is on the way to the grocery why not pass from there? Would he not do it for you?

"I was raised so that you never ask someone to do something you can do yourself so I would never ask him to clean the cabinet."

It's bizarre that in a partnership you'd want him to never ask things of you and do everything himself and vice versa. He's your family not a friend or acquaintance. Maybe some deeper issues going on here.

You need to stop thinking about these individual requests in isolation and sit down with DH and say that the domestic work/childcare needs to be split more equally as you’re not working much less than him and doing all of the rest - leading to an unequal workload.
I agree with this.

Or he could get (and manage, and pay for) some sort of assistant.

@nocnoc

There’s a lot to unpick here.

Firstly, why are you “telling everyone” what you are doing with your day off? I don’t understand this. Why do people even know you have a day off? I think you need to start here and maybe get some professional weekly help with boundary setting and assertiveness. You’re not the Queen. You aren’t accountable to anyone. End of. Your work colleagues don’t need to know your whereabouts nor family. The truth is that nobody cares. Do you know what Tom, Dick and Harry are doing with their days off? No. You’ve got into bad habits which stem from anxiety and people pleasing. Your DH has got into the bad habit of getting an ego boost from having you fulfill his demands. Always keep in mind that you are an adult not a child and you are accountable only to yourself. Delete all social media. This is your first step. Are you reporting on your daily movements/activities on Facebook? If you are, stop. Delete it. Break the habit. It’s nobody’s business what you do. Stop broadcasting. Start being evasive and learn stock phrases. “I haven’t decided yet” “I’m not sure” “I’m going to go with the flow” “I’ll decide in the morning” etc
Also, are you responding to every text and phone call the moment they happen? Stop. Start waiting 24 hours. You are not paid to respond to every persons random musings or requests.
If I have a day off nobody knows. I tell my husband the day before only because we need to sort out childcare. Have you got kids? If not, he doesn’t even need to know you’re having a day off.
Is he WFH? How much housework is he doing? F you and he are both working same hours the shopping and cleaning should be 50/50. Is it? What’s his contribution?
I don’t mind picking up my DH a bacon roll every time I pop to the shops because he does the lions share of washing and dishwasher loading.
It evens out.
You are feeling resentful I’m guessing because he isn’t pulling his weight.
You don’t have to have a discussion or argument. Just don’t do the things. Don’t clean the cabinet and don’t get the coffee. When/if he notices you say “ I decided not to” if he pushes back you then say “I’m not fulfilling anymore of your requests until the workload in the house is 50/50. You need to clean some things yourself and fetch things from the shop yourself” then walk away.

This! He is treating you like a PA. Most importantly you need to stop acting like his PA. So you work 7.5 hours ish a week less , yet you do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and mental load. Fuck.that.shit !

Why are you telling him not to give you jobs...I wouldn't even have mentioned it & if he had come to add anything to your list I would have just said no.

You say he does this all the time so just say no, no, no again.

If he wants things doing he can do that in his own annual leave.

My husband gives me stuff like this to do but then he is always offering stuff as well (like I mentioned yesterday we were out of something and he asked if I wanted him to go to the shops to get some) so on balance he probably does a bit more

The real question is why are you doing the majority of the housework and childcare when you work as well? It should balance out that if you're using your day off for childcare and chores that in the evenings and weekends you both have equal downtime and hobby time.

I think you need to assess if you're both doing equal tasks. Then if you're not you need to balance this up. If you are but his constant small job requests are tipping the scales then you've got 4 options -

1. Cut back on other stuff so you have time for these little jobs
2. Say no you don't think you've got time today
3. Accept the small jobs but give him an equal number of small jobs. Oh you're off upstairs, can you just pop these clothes away? Add a few extra things into the washing up etc. Get used to asking him for favours. You're meant to be a partnership and he has no issue asking you. If he says no then point out his hypocrisy and stop doing stuff for him
4. Add up what he is asking you to do and talk to him. Tell him that this week you had planned to do x number of jobs taking approximately 5 hours. He asked you to get him a coffee, pick up his dry cleaning, drop off a prescription, organise lunch etc and you did these and this took an extra 2 hours. That's an extra working day a month just doing odd jobs, and if you were going to work am extra day a month you may as well increase your hours and get paid for it etc

I'd go for 3 if I was you, if you're off to the shops next to the chemist then it's fine for him to ask you to do stuff while you're out but it should work both ways. The root of it might be that you do the shopping so are out of the house more so you could always suggest sharing this or getting online or whatever so that you are removing yourself from the situation of being out of the house and near things he wants you to pick up

Why don't you say to him, deadpan, every time he asks you to do something; 'I was raised never to ask someone else to do a job I could do myself'. Then walk away.

I don't get this 'self reliance' that only goes one way and renders you his 'jump to it' skivvy.

I don't think that's what your self-reliant parents intended either. They must despair at you having married such a lazy lump!

Why is he dictating your workload?

What happens when you say 'No'?

1 day off a week isn't anywhere near enough time to cover most of the household tasks for a family.

Add up how many hours you work - that includes work, childcare, shopping, cooking etc

Add up how many he does.

Are they equal?

It’s actually incredibly annoying when if you mention a planned task to someone the say “make sure you do x” whether you were planning to do x or not. Like if he said he was organising a meeting and you said “you will send out an agenda won’t you”.

I do this to dh and vice versa. You as a couple do your thing, what works for others may not work for you, try and find a balance if he adds to your jobs say that X amount of time adds on to a massage you owe me, win win

I take it your husband genuinely doesn't realize how him asking this and that small favor can be the straw that breaks the camel's back. To him they're just the smallest things, he has a hard time seeing the bigger picture. So maybe just take a moment to explain to him how so many little things eventually impact your day / overall schedule in big ways. This doesn't have to be confrontational, sometimes people simply need to be pointed the obvious.

It's a personal arrangement between you both, but as much as I don't mind running errands for my OH when I'm on the go, I don't know how I would react if he asked me to clean whatever room with a straight face. I'd probably laugh to be honest... but that's quite a bit much IMO like, I'm not a cleaning service. Maybe you can tell him that too.

DH is guilty of this, he has been told multiple times I'm not his fucking PA.

I had a medical appointment which left him with our two children and he had to cook dinner. He kept telling me How stressful it was that he had to look after the children And do dinner. I gave him a cheery goodbye and welcomed him to being me for an hour and half.

Every day you need to ask him to do a 5 minute task. See how it goes down.

I wouldn’t mind at all if my dh asked me to pick him up a coffee etc but I wouldn’t feel bad at all saying one and he does just about as much around the house etc. if he didn’t I’d mind very much! You work 80% of a full time job - if I did that hell would freeze over before I did 80% of the housework too.

It's taken me a while to get my DH to do his own errands as I was a SAHP for many years due to 2 DCs with SN. Now I give him errands (and sometimes reminders of things he needs to do eg birthday cards for his family) but I no longer do them for him. Once upon a time he would have left a letter/card that needs posting on the kitchen table. Now he knows to just post it himself as it's just as convenient/inconvenient for him to stop at the post box as it is for me. He now collects his own prescriptions as I have no need to go to the dispensary and he passes it on his way home. If there is something he really can't get to/do due to work then I'll help out if he asks but the expectation that I'll just do something has been drummed out of him. On the housework front though he wouldn't even notice something needed cleaning never mind instruct me to do it if he did notice!
One good turn deserves another - start dishing it the other way.

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.

Ew! You're not his PA are you?

Do people really buy takeaway coffee to drink at home?
Why? - unless you have no access to electricity/gas/kettle/pan/mugs/cups etc.