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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always adds minor jobs to my workload

192 replies

Londonlassy · 23/11/2021 09:08

I have tomorrow off and I have told everyone I’m spending the day spring cleaning and sorting out our house (it’s become really messy and I’m getting quite upset living like this) I explained to DH that I was spending my day off tidying the house and to please not find me jobs as I had more cleaning then I had time before collecting DC from school.

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

Every time I get groceries there is always an expectation that I will get him a take away coffee or pick up a prescription for him or get him a takeaway lunch.
I hate the fact that he always asks me to do stuff and I feel pissed off that I look like a cow saying no to these small request or I say say yes and am pissed off that I’m already doing household chores and it’s not enough and my free time constantly gets eroded away.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 10:02

And he books days off work to do cleaning too, does he?

Or his free time actually his free time.

Just say no.

girlmom21 · 23/11/2021 10:03

To be honest I think, by declaring that you're using the day to clean, you're opening yourself up to people mentioning things that need to be cleaned.

notacooldad · 23/11/2021 10:04

Also I live in Australia we and it’s the end of our Spring so yes I am spring cleaning
Fair enough! It was dark and grey when I posted it couldnt feel any further away from spring for me at the moment!!

TatianaBis · 23/11/2021 10:05

@Londonlassy

I do the majority of domestic tasks because I work less hours then DH so yes it feels like DH always asking me to do tasks and I rarely ask him but I still work 4 days a week and do the bulk of housework child care so it’s not like I have a huge amount more free time each week

I was raised so that you never ask someone to do something you can do yourself so I would never ask him to clean the cabinet.

The difference between 4/5 days work does not justify your doing the bulk of the domestic work/childcare.

Why are you putting up with this? Do you see yourself as a skivvy?

Chloemol · 23/11/2021 10:05

Ok being thick here but if you are spring cleaning surely you will be cleaning the TV cabinet anyway?

As to the rest, just do the same to him

HollowTalk · 23/11/2021 10:06

Wouldn't it be a better use of money to go to work and spend your joint money on a cleaner?

IncompleteSenten · 23/11/2021 10:06

If you are spring cleaning then wouldn't you be cleaning the cabinet anyway? Does he not know what spring cleaning means?

When he asks you to do something you can always say no. Either no I won't have time or no I didn't have time.

nocnoc · 23/11/2021 10:06

Do you want to spend your day off cleaning?

whitehorsesdonotlie · 23/11/2021 10:07

If you're working four days and doing the bulk of childcare and housework, then you're probably working longer hours than your h.

I'd make the split of chores fairer. Does your h ever take a day to do a spring clean? I bet not.

And start saying no to theose extra jobs he gives you - unless he does the same for you. Does he?

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 10:09

Today his asked me to clean the TV cabinet when I do the spring cleaning. I got disproportionately upset with him for this request. I know it’s only a 5 minute job…but it’s his constantly adding 5 minutes jobs that’s breaking me

I genuinely don't understand.
If he told you to jump in a lake, would you do it?

Firstly, stop asking him to please not find me jobs. Every time you do that you are creating the assumption that he has the right to give you jobs.
Secondly, stop announcing what you plan to do on your day off. If he asks, tell him you don't know yet, it's your day off.
Thirdly, when His Lordship tells you to skivvy for him, say NO.
It is very, very simple.
DH: "please clean the TV cabinet"
YOU: "No. It's my day off. If it's bothering you, YOU clean it."

DH: "Can you pick up my prescription?"
YOU: "Oh, you need to go to the shops too? OK - go & get your prescription, & here's the shopping list, no point both of us going."

DH: "get me a takeaway coffee"
YOU: "what did your last servant die of? Why don't you go & get me one?"

You are never going to solve this until you USE YOUR WORDS.
Why do you accept orders from him like this?
What does he do for you?
Does he run errands for you?
Has he ever spring cleaned, or even cleaned the bloody TV cabinet himself?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 10:10

Your upbringing was rather odd then. I can see its usefulness, in a 'just get things done rather than talking about doing them' way. But it only works if everyone around you is the same. Otherwise it's setting you up to be a dogsbody.

Draw up lists of things that need doing, together. Both commit to doing jobs on that list when time allows / so many tasks per week. Tick them off and initial them, when done.

That way no-one's 'asking' anyone else. You're both recognising what needs doing and taking responsibility for doing it.

And remember the 'equal free time' rule. Sure, if you work four days and him five, then you spending one working day's worth of time on domestic and child-related tasks makes sense. But for the rest, the evenings and weekends, everything ought to be split equally.

ArcheryAnnie · 23/11/2021 10:10

Don't refuse to do any of these small jobs, just don't do them. You are the mistress of your own time, and if he wants those small jobs doing, he can do them himself.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 10:10

@girlmom21

If you were taking the day off to do a full clean surely you'd do the tv cabinet anyway?
Wins the prize for point missed by most miles.
pickingdaisies · 23/11/2021 10:10

I sometimes pick up a prescription to save us both heading out, but I wouldn't be picking up a coffee! We have coffee at home, it's cheaper and better for the planet to boil the kettle. I'd be fuming at the "request" to clean the TV cabinet. It's something that if you notice it needs doing, it takes a minute to grab a cloth and do it. It shows his mindset that it's on his list of things that you do, while his is a supervisory role. Do you have a magic coffee table at home too OP?

Original poster
Londonlassy · 23/11/2021 10:11

all IsDaveThere My frustration is I do all the grocery shopping so it’s always me having to pop in the shops for him. I do the bulk of the cleaning so it’s really easy for DH to add a small cleaning task.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/11/2021 10:12

So stop doing all the shopping and the bulk of the cleaning. Let him do his fair share. Obviously!

SpamIAm · 23/11/2021 10:15

nocnoc's post is peak Mumsnet Grin telling other people what you're doing with your day off? Get thee to therapy!

mogschristmascalamity · 23/11/2021 10:16

I work 4 days a week as well. DH and I split cleaning 50/50. Yes he does occaisionally ask me to do things but its mainly because he is computer illiterate. I ask him to do things for me sometimes too.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 23/11/2021 10:16

Was he asking you to clean it for him, or was he flagging up that it was dusty, when you'd already said you would be cleaning? Presumably you watch the TV too? There's nothing at all wrong with him mentioning it, nor asking you to pick up something when you are out. It's not true that you shouldn't ask someone to do something if you can do it yourself, it's nice to help each other out. The problem here, I'm assuming, is that you feel unappreciated and stressed, and perhaps he is not picking up his share of tasks. Communicate with him, have a conversation about division of time and household tasks.

idontknowhowtostopit · 23/11/2021 10:17

I suppose it depends on the tone he uses and the balance of the relationship. I can't imagine refusing to pick DH a coffee up or his prescription if I was out because he would do the same for me. We make each other's lives easier wherever we can.

I'd not be upset if I said I was spending the day cleaning and he mentioned the tv cabinet needed doing as part of that. Just like if he said he was cleaning his car on the weekend, I'd ask him to do mine too.

If he is directing OP and doesn't help with picking up things for her in return, it's a bit different.

BetterCare · 23/11/2021 10:17

People, companies anything that unnecessarily adds to my list of things to do drives me insane.

Your husband doing this would give me the rage. However, I think the problem with women is we are all brought up to take on and take on and take on until we have no more capacity.

I think it might be time to set some boundaries and to say no a lot.

TatianaBis · 23/11/2021 10:18

@mogschristmascalamity

I work 4 days a week as well. DH and I split cleaning 50/50. Yes he does occaisionally ask me to do things but its mainly because he is computer illiterate. I ask him to do things for me sometimes too.
This is what OP should be doing.
TatianaBis · 23/11/2021 10:19

@Londonlassy

all IsDaveThere My frustration is I do all the grocery shopping so it’s always me having to pop in the shops for him. I do the bulk of the cleaning so it’s really easy for DH to add a small cleaning task.
It’s easy because you keep saying yes.

DH thinks he’s entitled to do fa and you agree with him.

LindaBlinda · 23/11/2021 10:19

@inininsomnia

It all depends on whether he also does small jobs for you - ?
Yup. This.

I'm always asking my DH to do things for me. And he so rarely complains or can't do what I request.

So when he asks me I don't mind (or if I do mind I keep quiet as I know he isn't being unreasonable as he'd always do something himself before asking if he was able.)

But if he's a lazy bastard than YANBU and definitely explain to him how it makes you feel.

Rainbowsew · 23/11/2021 10:20

Do what you planned to do today. Leave that cabinet. If he mentions it again tell him to sort it.

Stop saying what you're doing as it's like an invitation for others to add to the list. Stop acting like your DH's PA. He can collect his prescription and the groceries on his way home from work. That's what mine would do.

Any time he mentions another job just say no/ignore him. Nobody makes him your boss except you when you jump to his demands.