If I'd known how hard conceiving can be I'd have started younger

[conceptionisdraining]

I feel like society/people/medics act like you have sex once and bang, you're pregnant.

I know this can and does happen, but it's just not the reality for most people - especially not me!

Actually getting pregnant can take time, then with miscarriages along the way it's ridiculous. It's been two years now since the journey started I'm 35 and planned to have a baby by now but not even pregnant.

Am I unreasonable to think there could perhaps but a little more factual education for women which in turn would probably save a lot of funding that goes towards IVF and other treatment.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier.

TTC is quite possibly the most boring, emotionally draining thing I've ever done.

Am so sorry for what you are going through, I sympathise and agree ttc is very boring, tiresome and the constant negative test every month makes it even more emotionally draining.
I do think it should be widely spoken about how hard it can be for some women to conceive, especially as you get older.
Don't lose hope, try not thinking about it, enjoy yourself and it will happen when you least expect it. I know it's easier said than done xx

I feel your pain and so sorry your ttc journey is tough. There’s no easy answer to this as honestly young people do need to understand that it could literally just take the one time but then getting to 32 and finding you’ve actually only got a 20% chance each cycle (best case) even if you’re doing it at the exact right time of the month can be quite daunting.

You're both right it's difficult isn't it because on one hand I guess people underestimate it can happen and then have babies when they don't want them but the other hand I was always led to believe it's a one time occurrence in many cases which is far, far from the truth.

If I'd know the journey I'm on would happen to me I'd do things differently.

It's a long and boring process to even get to 12 weeks - honestly the thought of a 12 week scan sounds like a miracle and almost impossible.

How people go on to have two and three children seems like the impossible for me. I cannot imagine even falling pregnant anymore it just seems so far off the radar and impossible

I completely agree. I was with my partner a long time before we started ttc and if we had known how difficult it might be, we would have started much much earlier. We have a DS who is the result of IVF and have had several unsuccessful rounds TTC no 2. I know not everyone struggles but it's so much more common than most people realise. I think the media coverage of celebrities having babies well into their 40s also has a lot to do with it. In reality most are probably IVF with donor eggs. There isn't anything wrong with that of course, but it's much less simple and straightforward than it is being portrayed to be.

@oklets how old were you when you started trying?

I was 34 which I thought was plenty of time. I'd just been diagnosed with endometriosis so I thought we better start trying then.

Yes I actually believed the whole 'you can get pregnant any time you have unprotected sex' bollocks for years. It was only when ttc that I realised how ignorant I was about the whole thing.

Also made worse by the fact none of my family immediate or close friends had any issues, I honestly thought I'd be fine

Unfortunately OP there is no standard.

Some of us at any age get pregnant quickly naturally or even with IVF and everything is fine, others at any age go to hell and back to have children.

Also if you are over 35 and been trying for 6 months then you need to get the doctors involved fast.

Also made worse by the fact none of my family immediate or close friends had any issues, I honestly thought I'd be fine

I started ttc at 22 and my fertility journey lasted till I was almost 41. In that time my sisters had 13 children between them and I was the only one to have any problems. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to fall pregnant.

Sex and reproduction education is utter shite. I’m appalled at how ill-informed we are at a reasonable age.

I must admit I think it's portrayed too often as far easier than it actually is

Took me 5 years to get dd ( and I was still only 28 when I had her) I'd had a mc at 18 - fell pregnant on pill - then later met ex (dds dad, father to first pregnancy a different chap) then I had various Gynae issues and another mc and other health issues and so did ex and I also had another mc much more complex this time and over all this several surgeries were involved too.

Dds was a high risk pregnancy and I was monitored if I so much as sighed heavily!

It's easier when younger as despite recent socio-political-financial changes biology takes another several 100 years to catch up!

I've said as much to dd who has other potential difficulties for conception/pregnancy/birth

It's still a fact that optimal time physically is teens and twenties even though those may not be optimal times societally/personally

It's hard going for sure I really feel for you, and I must admit I get a bit annoyed with those on mn and elsewhere who give it "women can have babies in their 40's it's fiiiiine" cos really it isn't

It's not just ttc it's maintaining a pregnancy coping with a possibly traumatic birth, hopefully producing a 100% healthy child (which I also didn't manage) which ALL gets harder to do as we get older (dads too! Sperm quality deteriorates)

Wishing you so much luck with this I'm assuming you're doing everything possible to have as high chances as possible

I also vividly remember dr Robert winston on tv saying that a lot of couples referred to him for fertility treatment hadn't been properly asked eg how often they were having sex he said he often found that couples referred to him - by gps - for fertility help were only having sex when they THOUGHT she was ovulating like sometimes only 2-3 times a month! IIRC he referenced one couple who turned out to be only having sex once a month on the belief there was ONE fertile day! He said the first thing he tells all couples referred to him is to have sex more often and at different times of day etc to max chances he said around 1/3 of the couples he saw then fell pregnant naturally

I can understand how that can get tiresome and we all have busy lives, but ultimately the simplest way to max chances of getting pregnant is to have more sex

I've often thought this. I spent so much of my adult life trying not to get pregnant, taking pills to stop me getting pregnant, using devices to stop me being pregnant and if I forgot any of those, then so much time worrying that I might be pregnant.
And then, I decided it was time to actually get pregnant - it took 4yrs (naturally) and we only managed the one.
Problem is you do still have to do all of the above as you don't know if you will be one of those people who does fall pregnant by virtually looking at a photo of a sperm.

And should have added my tip to success was to have sex on a day when your cervical mucus looks like egg white.

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I completely agree that we're told that you'll get pregnant from just precum while on your period and that's just not the case. It didn't take us long to conceive DS tbh but I did the temps and everything to get him.

I don't understand this thing about not realising. I feel like I spent my entire twenties being told that my fertility was plummeting and that if I didn't hurry up I'd never be able to get pregnant. It's a message that I was bombarded with - so I find it confusing that other women can't.

OP I would strongly recommend the Preseed Lube (terrible name, great product). Statistically it's very likely that it will happen for you. Also sorry if you've already done all this, but BBT and tracking is probably worth the effort at least while you get a sense of your cycle. Though for me it was of course the first month I didn't do all of that that it happened (sixish months into trying).

Also, someone further up has claimed you've got a 20% chance each month if you're 32, which isn't true. If you're under 35 it's around 25-30% each month depend on which research you look at. According to the NHS 82% of women will become pregnant aged 35-39 if they TTC for one year, and 90 for two years.

I've fallen pregnant twice, ai I spouse falling pregnant (even though it's been four months since the last time) doesn't seem to be the issue - I guess I'm just fed up. Not even because I'm not pregnant but because it's all in limbo.

I'm a control freak that I think work hard - get out what you put in. With this however, that couldn't be further from the truth. It's the one thing in my life I've, no matter how hard tried, been unable to control,

It's scary and kinda taints the whole experience,

Yep, it took four years each time to conceive my two at 28 and 34 with a miscarriage along the way. I’d spent my teens/early twenties thinking I’d get pregnant if there was the slightest contraception slip. We should be telling school children that conceiving can be heartbreakingly difficult as well as ridiculously easy for some.

I was 35 when we started and I didn't take any chances - did the OPKs and took my temperature every day etc as I just didn't have the luxury to just wait and see what would happen. Took us 4 months, I'm sure it would have been much longer had I left it to chance. Agreed, TTC is boring and draining, not as fun as you'd think! Good luck!

Agreed. It’s taking so bloody long

Oh and can highly recommend the Natural Cycles app! Took us 2 months after I started using that, I didn't realise I was ovulating later than the norm.

I've done the cycle tracking etc and I have left it all alone. It was a constant reminder of what's happening.

I've come to the conclusion regular sec every other day means it'll happen, I don't need to track then.

Also, as stated falling pregnant has happened it's keeping hold of thing that I'm struggling with,

But this time also falling pregnant is proving tricky.

I'm sorry for your struggles but how can you not have known about this in 2019?

I was TTC 20 years ago in my mid to late 30s. I knew full well then that it would potentially be harder as I was older.

I don't think this information has been hidden all this time.

I'm sorry you're struggle op, but after having my DD I thought the opposite to you. I thought at 36 with endometriosis I would have a battle to conceive. I conceived after 3 months and first pregnancy went to term. If I'd known it would be that easy I would have left it another year or two.

Also, as someone who struggled to establish a decent relationship in my 30s I was already well aware of the risk of declining fertility from my own research and from casual, unhelpfully, upsetting and sometimes downright rude remarks on my life. I certainly didn't need more "education" to ram my inadequacies down my throat.

@A580Hojas I suppose I did know but it doesn't fully resonate until you're the one struggling.

I pushed my DH to start he kept saying not the right time, let's just wait until this is out the way then that. Glad I pushed him in the end and now he's more desperate then me to have the baby.

It is just so emotionally and physically complex it also worries me when and if it does happen this is a route of lack of control forever. Is this a taster of what parenting is about and what's to come. It makes me even worry about if the whole thing is the right thing.