If I'd known how hard conceiving can be I'd have started younger

[conceptionisdraining]

I feel like society/people/medics act like you have sex once and bang, you're pregnant.

I know this can and does happen, but it's just not the reality for most people - especially not me!

Actually getting pregnant can take time, then with miscarriages along the way it's ridiculous. It's been two years now since the journey started I'm 35 and planned to have a baby by now but not even pregnant.

Am I unreasonable to think there could perhaps but a little more factual education for women which in turn would probably save a lot of funding that goes towards IVF and other treatment.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier.

TTC is quite possibly the most boring, emotionally draining thing I've ever done.

Big hug to OP and all all the PPs who have struggled or are struggling.

It's really tough though as DH and I are mad fertile, and fell pregnant in our early 20s even though I'd had CONDOMS EVERY TIME drilled in to me in sex ed and was so careful... We had a condom that broke during my ACTUAL period - from everything I'd learnt in biology I thought it was zero pregnancy risk and so didn't get the morning after pill - ended up having a termination I really didn't want but we were just way too young and under-resourced to go through with a pregnancy back then.

Now I'm 41 and we have 2, youngest 10 months, both conceived first time of trying... I feel like if we'd wanted we could have had one of those 1930s families with 12 kids. It's ridiculous.

I'm not trying to rub anyone's nose in it, just saying that diluting the education around how easy it can be to conceive isn't going to help across the board! Because in my case, I'd have liked someone to teach me that conception during menstruation is unusual but not impossible...

This is why I'm a feminist BTW, because men have NO CLUE what we go through for the bloody survival of the species. Hugs.

That might not have made any difference. It took me twenty years to conceive.

Agreed!
I was always encouraged to start a career and become financially secure etc.
I always wanted a big family and lots of kids, but didn't follow my dream. I started ttc at 30.
It took ages to conceive (4 years between) my children and a miscarriage.
I also love being a mum way more than my mis-spent youth (which I was told to enjoy). As soon as I had my first child, I changed my career to be at home more with her as that was more important and that changed my finances. I kind of wish I hadn't become financially secure, as no one ever truly is, and we needed to cut back significantly.
As my daughters get older I will be talking to them about what they want out of life and give my experience.
I really don't care if they are not maternal and want to follow a career as long as they have the facts!

I get it OP. But starting younger also isn't a guarantee.

I started having unprotected sex with my DH at 27. Ended up needing IVF 2 years later.

I don't agree that I should have started earlier but I feel you, @conceptionisdraining . Coming up fir 2 years, headed into intervention and I am so drained

Those struggling do you ever think about forgetting the whole thing as it feels like far too much trouble?

I do, I'm getting to that stage now where it's just annoying and people ask about it so I feel like just telling people I don't want kids and won't be having them just so we can all move on from the conversation.

I think that the lack of awareness of fertility is more to do with the fact that we all know people with kids in their 40s. We hear their announcements but not necessarily their struggle to get to that point.

We're told it's ideal to settle down at 30+. As a feckless young mother I don't dispute that
But we just assume that it's the norm to get pregnant easy. You feel young and don't realise your body actually is ageing all the time.

I'm not sure it's anyone's fault really. Most people know fertility declines with age, but most 20-something yos aren't going further and researching their fertility if that makes sense. They think things are the same. So it's not expected, to some extent.

Problem is, of you tell people that they should consider fertility and start having babies earlier then you're being patronising, or limiting their outlook in life.- women aren't just baby machines.

You can't win.

You're either pushing the message too much or not informing people enough. You cant win.

OP, if you really feel as if you want DC then don't give up just yet. TTC is a fucking ball ache at the best of times, let alone if you're having a bit of a struggle. Not many women enjoy this part.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that you don't want DC. But if deep down you do really want DC and you don't stick it out until you've exhausted your options, you might end up regretting it when you're older and it's too late.

Maybe though - if you can - taking a complete break for three months and just forgetting about TTC might give you the energy to start afresh.

I've got three female friends in their 50s who are childless. One was wavering but decided that her lifestyle was more important than children. Another really wanted children and tried everything but it didn't work out. It was hard but she made her peace with it. Both these women are really happy and content and have fabulous lives. My third (ex)friend had three miscarriages and got so overwhelmed by the trauma, she had a bit of a breakdown, quit her job travelled the world for 18 months. She had some fun times but she was essentially running away and she never really came to terms with any of it, nor got any answers. She's still struggling with life now, and is bitter. She cuts anyone out of her life if they have children.

I really feel for you, but be kind to yourself. This whole process is bloody exhausting, and as I said in my last post, we never expect it to happen to us. You do actually have quite a lot of childbearing years left so you're not at the 12th hour yet. Whatever decisions you make, do it consciously and because it's right for you, not because you're raging at the shitty system, shitty doctors and lack of accurate info. Hugs.

@conceptionisdraining

It’s fucking shit. I’m sorry you’re going through it - nobody deserves how soul destroying it is.

Missed the pill once at 18 and fell pregnant - had a termination.
Had to have IVF at 29 for my DD as I have the ovarian reserve of a 43 year old now at 30.
Just failed this month on month 3 trying to conceive #2 naturally as my DD is only 5 months because we want to give it a proper go before more IVF (probably with donor eggs).

What I was taught at school about safe sex and pregnancy was absolutely true for me at 18. I’ve just been dealt a shitty hand in my late twenties. It’s complete arse when it happens to you but I don’t think the education around it is necessarily incorrect or wrong.

Again, I’m so sorry this is happening to you; you’re not alone.

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. It really is a difficult and lonely thing to experience. Hopefully my story gives you some hope...started ttc first DC when I was 32 and fell pregnant in 2 months but then miscarried. Took another 4 months to conceive our DD. So that was fairly straightforward apart from the miscarriage. Then at 34 I accidentally got pregnant but we miscarried again and decided we wanted another baby as we were heartbroken and decided we were ready for DC2. Months later we conceived again but had another miscarriage. Then I finally got pregnant exactly a year after our accidental pregnancy. So it took a year and 2 miscarriages. I know many people have harder experiences than I had but I found it very emotionally draining so I do really feel for you. It is really hard and there were times we wanted to give up. I am 15 weeks pregnant now and all was good at the scan and screening. I hope that gives you some hope. It is relentless but I really hope you will get there and that it happens for you.

I do feel for you. I startred TTC at age 24 and never manged to have a baby due to MFI.
However I think it is well known that women's fertility starts dropping in your 30s and drops dramatically after age 35. I don't think women need ot be educated about this .
BTW I'd suggest you both do some fertilty tests if you've been trying for 2 years. You could needs ome help.

I’m having a difficult time TTC and agree. The fear of getting pregnant was drummed in to me, no one explained the opposite could be true.

Also ties in to women’s health issues being poorly treated. I’ve had awful periods all my life and have only just been diagnosed, around 17 years later, with endometriosis. If my frequent complaints of extreme period pain had been investigated, I may not be about to cost the NHS a fortune in IVF. Not to mention the emotional turmoil myself and DP have been through.

Some women fall pregnant really quickly.
I didn't.
Like most things you never know until you try, we often assume the bad stuff happens to other people.
I'm sorry, I won't annoy you annoying inspirational posts, you've every right feeling let down.

Perhaps different where I'm from but when you hit 30 people are like you better get a move on if you want kids.

I’m 27 and have been warned by numerous people, especially men in my male dominated career (who tell me my career WILL wait for me and to not prioritise it), that I should have children when younger as your body is more accustomed and ready. I’ve realised it’s true and I absolutely will not wait as late as I’d planned.

also I'm very fit and healthy, exercise lots etc so I feel because family never had issues either there was no one to warn me I guess and we assumed all hereditary to an extent too.

So when I had first miscarriage it was a shock to everyone

I wish I'd started earlier.
Though was quite early when I started.
Started at 28.
Took about 4 months to get pregnant, but baby had a condition not compatible with life so had a termination at 13 weeks.

Then waited about 3 month before tt again. Took about 9 months and had my first baby when I was around 30-31.
Then tried again and had lots of chemical pregnancies eventually took 11 month before I got pregnant.

Had second at 34-35.
Started ttc again at 36 but miscarried at 12 weeks.
Tried again. But after a few months now having a break. We stopped because of covid. And when that improved I needed an operation due to my health condition. And now I'm 38.

I'm 38 now.
I really want another. But the risks are high.
I have health conditions, my child has a health condition.

Just the worry about something happening to me or the health of the baby now makes it a lot harder to consider having a baby. Also my youngest is 4, not sure I could go back to the baby years again.

If I'd started earlier, or hadnt had the initial problems maybe i would have had my third baby by now.

I had a difficult journey to get my son, 3 years and 2 early MCs. I would say I’d have started trying earlier but I wouldn’t change anything because I’ve ended up with my boy.

But I have been there, OP. And loads of people I knew when having my struggles were getting pregnant accidentally. It made me want to scream!
A lot of the women in my family seemed to be the type where their husband only needed to look at them funny and they’d get pregnant! I just couldn’t understand why it seemed to be so easy for everyone else and so hard for me. Turns out I have a heart-shaped uterus.

It’s funny, but I had the opposite advice/comments. I started late (35) as I only met my partner later. Everyone from family to colleagues to random acquaintances who found out I didn’t have children told me I’d left it too late, and I should have started for a family earlier. It really upset me because I was very shy and scared of dating, never met anyone I was into etc. So I just felt completely hopeless and anxious about it. I remember constantly saying to my mum “do you think I will ever have children?” like she has some fucking crystal ball.

So when I met my partner and fell in love, we decided to try for a baby within 18 months of meeting. I thought it would take a couple of years so wasn’t really ready, because although I was intent on trying for a baby and knew I wanted one, I honestly had no idea at all I could get pregnant straight away. I was pregnant within 30 days of coming off the pill…

So whilst I was lucky I was totally not ready. Not once did anyone give me the impression I could get pregnant that quickly. Not one single positive word that this might happen, even from the nurse practitioner who dealt with birth control etc.

Agreed. I started at 30 and my fertility had fallen off the cliff by then. 36 now, 3 rounds of ivf and 1 miscarriage later and we're stopping for a year or two (donor egg embryos on the freezer). Not sure all this shit is worth it tbh

Sorry you are going through this OP

As much as not enough information is a problem - I also think too much information can be a problem.

DP and I stopped using contraception religiously probably about 8 or 9 years ago because hormonal methods really didn't agree with me, and sometimes we just didn't bother with condoms and used the withdrawal method. But we certainly weren't ready or expecting to have children or TTC.

We did think about TTC earlier in the year and 'tried' for a month and were unsuccessful. We then thought actually thats a relief because it would have been a shock in the first month on what was really a whim decision one evening.

After the negative we decided to not TTC until a couple of years later and went back to our previous condom sometime/ withdrawal sometime - and a few months later we realised I was pregnant unplanned.

What I am trying to say is when I think about it - I don't actually know whether its taken me the best part of a decade to conceive or not. It may have done - it may not. The only time I ever tested was the month we actively TTC. I didn't test with my current pregnancy until 8-9 weeks; so over the years I may have had numerous past miscarriages and been completely unaware - I have suspected in the past some strange periods may have been.

So please try not to panic yet and don't try to overthink it. You now have way too much information with tests and cycle tracking etc. etc. and are probably jumping to the worst conclusions; when its likely unwarranted.

Goodluck

@Bagamoyo1 same thing happened to me termination when I was a teen ( first time having sex) then had ivf when I was 29 after trying for years and years never did I once ever think that would happen to me. I feel for you op infertility is horrendous, have you spoke to your gp?

@changingchanges2

I get it OP. But starting younger also isn't a guarantee.

I started having unprotected sex with my DH at 27. Ended up needing IVF 2 years later.

Totally agree with this, there are so many factors other than age (although it's a big one it's not the only one) My SIL is younger than me but really struggled to conceive..

It took my partner and me 9 months to conceive our first baby (currently 35 weeks pregnant). It was the most draining experience of my life so far and I know we had it easy compared to a lot of people. I cannot even imagine the heart ache and difficulty that infertility must bring and my heart goes out to everyone in that situation.
In my experience it was stressful, hard and upsetting, and I wish I’d known that (for me) it wasn’t going to be as simple as coming off the pill, shagging a few times and getting a positive pregnancy test within a month.