If I'd known how hard conceiving can be I'd have started younger

[conceptionisdraining]

I feel like society/people/medics act like you have sex once and bang, you're pregnant.

I know this can and does happen, but it's just not the reality for most people - especially not me!

Actually getting pregnant can take time, then with miscarriages along the way it's ridiculous. It's been two years now since the journey started I'm 35 and planned to have a baby by now but not even pregnant.

Am I unreasonable to think there could perhaps but a little more factual education for women which in turn would probably save a lot of funding that goes towards IVF and other treatment.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier.

TTC is quite possibly the most boring, emotionally draining thing I've ever done.

[quote onlychildhamster]@Musttryharder2021 My DH is 31 and I am 29.[/quote]
Even though you're younger if you've been trying for 6 years and haven't conceived in this time, if I were you I'd go to my GP for further checks. Being informed would give you a chance to to know where you stand.

@Musttryharder2021 we haven't been trying per se, we just used the withdrawal method which is far from reliable. Yes I have been thinking of going for checks.

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I don't know the circumstances obviously of the previous poster who found ivf hassle free - depends on your reason for doing It I suppose? I was infertile so no other way of having a baby and several miscarriages under my belt - ivf cost us in total £35k - it might have been physically not much hassle but emotionally it was horrendousl, the pressure of it not working, of finding more money to go again, of it working then losing another baby, the stress over how many follicles how many eggs how many fertilise quality on day 1 quality on day 3, if they make it to say 5 and blastocyst what grade they are, not to mention will the survive being thawed for a transfer the list goes on.

It's not an easy quick fix

Success rates are actually pretty abysmal. Around 30% if you are under 35, if you are over 43 it's 2%

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Apologies if I came across as insensitive but what I meant by hassle free I meant I haven't experienced any physical difficulties and everything went well including my pregnancy.

I did experience the stress of it not working - of course I did: I was 39 and single, and this was my only chance at being a mother. Single females do not receive any financial help from the NHS so I had the added financial burden of it not working. I was lucky that my treatment cost leas than 8k which was just about manageable for me in a single reasonable salary. A lot was riding on it.

And I agree IVF success rates are abysmal and I was extremely lucky (most likely a combination of genetics and donor sperm being of excellent quality).

[quote onlychildhamster]@Musttryharder2021 we haven't been trying per se, we just used the withdrawal method which is far from reliable. Yes I have been thinking of going for checks.[/quote]
I felt like this in my teens/early 20s I did withdraw and even though I wasn't trying to get pregnant I was wondering if there was something wrong with me- we're told it's unreliable, so why is it working?

Anyway, I had my baby, still in early 20s. No trouble conceiving whatsoever. Get checked if you're worried but it doesn't mean you have an issue, even if you're young

@conceptionisdraining I'm so sorry for you. I think leaving it late, is a bit mad and risky, and having babies over 42/43 is too old (IMO.)

But early to mid 30s is not too old, in fact, not even 'old' for a first one. I know a number of women who had their first between 30 and 34, and then they had one or two more after - with the last being around 37-39. Whilst your fertility wanes past 30, it's still pretty OK! I think you have just been unlucky!

I hope you conceive soon and have a baby next Christmas! Good luck!

@onlychildhamster I used the withdrawal method in my 20s with my ex and it never failed - both of us went on to conceive children in fairly short order after we married (other people).

Most people I know have had their first child in their early 30s.

@onlychildhamster I have found the withdrawal method reliable. Don't you think it depends on the willpower of the guy?

Well if you include withdrawal I've been trying 5 years! Not two as originally stated

@Knickynackynoo thank you, had investigations. Was told there isn't anything causes the miscarriage anymore - and even though I have some issues as I have fallen pregnant before was just advised to try again and see what happens

@Musttryharder2021 does that six months the nhs state include if you have had miscarriages?

@VenusStarr thank you and sorry to hear too.

All the best with your surgery and hopefully things start looking up for us

@bbgxd
“I think that the lack of awareness of fertility is more to do with the fact that we all know people with kids in their 40s. We hear their announcements but not necessarily their struggle to get to that point. “

I had three babies aged 39, 41 and 42
None a struggle in fact one conceived on the contraceptive injection. I had it for the first time and the same week I fell pregnant.

I hadn’t spent years on the pill though and sometimes wonder if that helped.

Not all women in this age group struggle. Please don’t assume this to be so. Age of the woman is just one factor .

@Decaffe yes but I guess the point is, if you struggle at 39 there's much less time left to get a successful attempt, whereas at 29 you still have arguably another 10 maybe even 15 years of possibilities

I think the problem is the wide range of experiences, the idea that you can fall pregnant 'just one time' isn't wrong, neither is the idea that a 21 year old might be inexplicably infertile. The problem is there's no way of knowing what will happen for you.
I fell pregnant twice both times on contraception. Though on paper I shouldn't have fallen at all having endo, PCOS and a history of gynae issues as a teenager. One of my sil has never conceived despite having no discernible issues - it makes no sense.

@conceptionisdraining I only ever had sex with my DH so i have no idea. DH and I once theorized that maybe he could control himself better as he is circumcised.

I couldn't agree more. We're teaching young boys and girls about the evils of sex instead of the reality (anything from consent to fertility). I always thought the same that I would decide to have baby, have sex and then 9 months later, everyone is happy. Well life doesn't work this way, not for all of us at least. Creating false expectations makes this whole thing a bitter pill to swallow (in my humble opinion)

The best advice is to see your doctor surely, so you both get checked out. Also it should be something you both want. My ex walked out on me when I was pregnant. TTC every couple of days is sensible but it shouldn't be a chore . A baby should be made of love. . .

I hadn’t spent years on the pill though and sometimes wonder if that helped.

I was only ever on the pill for a year and had not taken it for four years prior to meeting and marrying DH and ttc. Started ttc at 29, never conceived. A friend of mine conceived the first month she stopped taking the pill.

I tried for 6 years with my exdh. Not even a sniff of a 2nd line on a test. I resigned myself to not being able to have children etc. Like many others I had been on pills/panicking etc about being pregnant. So when I tried I thought it would happen.

Then when I was 29 I split with the ex and met my now DH. We moved in together when I was 31 and I was pregnant a month later. I then went on the pill again after DD was born and it was making me unwell etc so I came off and we were not avoiding for maybe 2 years? Not actively trying etc. I then fell pregnant again at 35 but had a miscarriage in May 2020. I then fell pregnant again 3 months later and DD2 was born May 2021.

So I've went from thinking that I would never have kids etc to being pregnant 3 times with 2 live births.

I am 30 and seriously feel like I’ve had the risk of infertility if I ‘leave it too late’ rammed down my throat since I was 12. Family members on both sides did IVF to have their kids so it seemed like a very real prospect.

I don't understand this thing about not realising. I feel like I spent my entire twenties being told that my fertility was plummeting and that if I didn't hurry up I'd never be able to get pregnant. It's a message that I was bombarded with - so I find it confusing that other women can't.

I feel the same. I met DP when I was a bit older. I knew that time wasn't on our side. It wasn't a matter of when we would fall pregnant, at that point it was a matter of if we could. I never believed it would happen easily, I knew that it may never happen at all.

Not all women in this age group struggle. Please don’t assume this to be so. Age of the woman is just one factor .

Of course not, but the odds aren’t in your favour generally at 39. As a PP said, you’ve got not much time left if you need intervention. By 39, two thirds of your remaining egg reserve is aneuploid (rising to 90% by 42) so if you find you’ve got prematurely diminished ovarian reserve (fairly common) then it’s a heck of a lot harder to find the golden egg via IVF at 39 vs at 29.

IVF success rates drop substantially at 38/39 vs at 37 and under, so it’s not just my opinion here.

1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and that’s across all age groups.

I once read a stat that said the average age of a first time mum in Kensington and Chelsea is 37 which does seem believable from the demographics. However, given the low chance of success from intervention, surely most of them would not have used intervention...

I’m not sure where your stat comes from, but from 2018 the average of mums attending Chelsea & Westminster Hospital was only 32. I’d be interested to see more if you have it.

www.mylondon.news/news/west-london-news/new-mothers-chelsea-westminster-hospital-14720954.amp

I couldn't agree more. We're teaching young boys and girls about the evils of sex instead of the reality (anything from consent to fertility). I always thought the same that I would decide to have baby, have sex and then 9 months later, everyone is happy. Well life doesn't work this way, not for all of us at least. Creating false expectations makes this whole thing a bitter pill to swallow (in my humble opinion)

But the thing is many young people do fall pregnant quickly so the education you speak of at a young age HAS to make pregnancy a real possibility. I've had unprotected sex once in my life, I got pregnant that time followed by twice more whilst on contraception (even the coil!) unplanned pregnancies in very young people can have devastating ramifications on them and wider society, honestly I don't think we have the balance wrong here, I very much felt I grew up being told to be careful about getting pregnant but understanding my most fertile years would be in my 20s, I don't know anyone who thought differently.

@Peach01 I don't think the op is talking just about the threat of declining fertility, just that even when there's no problems that current testing techniques can flag up some people can take a long time to fall pregnant even if they're under 35. If you're only getting pregnant once a year then miscarrying that is an awful slog at any age we many women don't realise is often the reality.