If I'd known how hard conceiving can be I'd have started younger

[conceptionisdraining]

I feel like society/people/medics act like you have sex once and bang, you're pregnant.

I know this can and does happen, but it's just not the reality for most people - especially not me!

Actually getting pregnant can take time, then with miscarriages along the way it's ridiculous. It's been two years now since the journey started I'm 35 and planned to have a baby by now but not even pregnant.

Am I unreasonable to think there could perhaps but a little more factual education for women which in turn would probably save a lot of funding that goes towards IVF and other treatment.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier.

TTC is quite possibly the most boring, emotionally draining thing I've ever done.

Hi OP, I feel like I could have written this post! Started trying when I was 31 before the start of the pandemic. Never thought I would have a problem with conceiving as my periods are regular - we're both very healthy and don't drink either! And two years later, 4 rounds of IVF and we still haven't conceived. I've been told by several IVF consultants that if we had tried in our 20s we wouldn't have had a problem.. but we definitely weren't ready back then! But part of me wishes we'd just started earlier and we wouldn't have had any of this heartbreak 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think we need to be realistic. With age fertility defines and age starts somewhere in our 20s.
My first child (near 30 now) was born when I was 27. I was the second eldest woman on the ward. Th one wo. An older was on no 4.
When I had my child no 4 aged 40 I was not the eldest in the ward.
Somehow the perception of what is old and young in reproductive terms has become very distorted and people are surprised.
Yes having a baby in you thirties or even forties has always been a thing, but not a first baby.

It’s the fact that’s some people fall pregnant straight away and others have to wait years and it must be absolutely draining. Surely the stress of the constant negative tests doesn’t help.

They do say that one in 6/7 couples struggle to conceive naturally. I think that’s a staggeringly high number and I don’t know that this is common knowledge in general. So it’s not necessary an age thing for done couples as they wouldn’t have been able to conceive even if they had started earlier.

I was very lucky and appreciated I was very lucky, in that I fell pregnant straight away with both my children. Though I was 27 and 32. I then fell pregnant at 40 after 4 months but this ended in MC. As I have two children, I look at it and appreciate how lucky I am but I do feel like it must be such an uphill battle month after month for so many people

Took years for us too. As a result, I'm about to turn 40 with a toddler. I would also have liked to have known how hard it can be to be an older mum and how some children take years to sleep through. I'm constantly knackered and wish I had started trying earlier.

But I think there is a lot of misinformation in the media in general about women's issues/ women's biology/ the way women's lives really are.

Having had my dc aged 39 and 41, I felt only too aware of my ticking clock. I think the majority of women who start ttc in late 30s as I did are very aware, but have had issues preventing them ie no partner, partner putting off kids, no money/ stability etc. I think media/ social media/ magazines etc already go on about fertility 'falling off a cliff' past 35-7, and this made me incredibly anxious as I wasn't in a position to try earlier. I'm absolutely in favour of info for women and better women's health, but it can be incredibly anxiety provoking if you're not in a position to try.

I had 2 beautiful dc naturally after 2 early m/c, and found the process hard too. Good luck op

I completely agree, and the Conception board is absolutely full of posters saying the exact same thing. A common refrain is “if only I’d known the egg lives 12 hours!” Then even if the sperm meets the egg, there’s only a 50% chance it’ll implant. Then if it implants, on average (depending on age) there’s a 50% chance it’ll make it to 13 weeks.

I didn’t realise how much it is a literal MIRACLE how any children are born at all. Seriously, it amazes me.

YANBU, @conceptionisdraining, and you are CERTAINLY not the only one to have come to this realisation. We were all diddled.

I agree, and I say that having been on both sides of the spectrum.
I fell pregnant at 16,not even aware that there was a condom failure.
So I assumed, it was easy, would be easy to have a second baby.
I decided when DD turned 1 I wanted to have another baby, 2 very close in age would be perfect.
Except it didn't happen. It took years for GPs to give me any fertility testing, but I wasn't offered help, and untreated hormone imbalance,plus the eating from getting depressed then meant that they could use my BMI as an excuse for it, and to not help me...its taken 12 and a half years to finally get pregnant again.
It feels like an absolute miracle! It does make me worry though, when people say, oh we will start trying once I'm 30/35! I always worry that what if its too late for them at that point? What if its too late? It's not as easy for everyone as one slip and you're pregnant and it's all going to be smooth sailing. I obviously don't say anything, but its not as straight forward for many people as they'd hope it to be.

Wishing you all the best in your journey

We were all diddled.

I think this is a bit of a stretch. Unwanted pregnancies can be devastating, I've been pregnant 3 times in my life, none were planned, 2 were whilst on contraception (one being the coil!) we don't have a fertility crisis nationally, or indeed globally, millions of babies are born a day, so to suggest we were all lied to about how easy it is to get pregnant simply isn't true, it's just that no one's journey will be the same. We have a duty of care to protect young women after millennia of being saddled with the responsibility of child bearing and rearing, but I don't think it's a state secret that the longer we wait the more we gamble with our own fertility.

I feel like it’s only on MN where women say “20s is too young to have dc. I conceived straightaway aged 45 and my dc didn’t have any disabilities. I don’t mind being in my mid 60s when they graduate uni.” I think most women are told that their fertility and quality of eggs reduces in their mid 30s.

I think the problem is it’s such a lottery. Some women do conceive quickly and easily and others sadly struggle. You can’t really relax the contraception messages for the former group but equally those in the latter aren’t necessarily getting the messages the support they need early enough. If they could test everyone at 18 I genuinely don’t know if I’d want to know whether I was likely to have problems or not.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but YABU. There's enough information out there to know that the earlier you try the better your chances and I do think this gets circulated. I am in my 20s and my circle are very aware of this.

I am 29 and since I got married at 22, we have been using the withdrawal method. People on Mumsnet are going to shout at me for being irresponsible but we are in a stable relationship and own our flat wIth a second bedroom.

The reality however is that I have not needed to bother with contraception and have not gotten pregnant a single time since I started having sex at 21. I had to get the morning after once or twice but that's nothing compared to not having to be on the pill for the past 7 years. I was so panicky about my fertility once (if everyone was like us, there would be no need for IUDs or birth control pills and the NHS could save a lot of money) but the fertility doctor said that we could just be good at doing the withdrawal method. But then again if it was that easy to get pregnant, I wouldn't have close to 7 years of no pregnancies. Early in my marriage, I was having sex daily!

@PinkMochi

I feel like it’s only on MN where women say “20s is too young to have dc. I conceived straightaway aged 45 and my dc didn’t have any disabilities. I don’t mind being in my mid 60s when they graduate uni.” I think most women are told that their fertility and quality of eggs reduces in their mid 30s.

We are told that but that ignores the lottery of your own individual genetics.

From my early 20s onwards I knew women in my own age group who found they had difficulties conceiving for various reasons. At the same time I knew women who could conceive quickly with no issues even when they didn't want to for very good reasons.

Also MN is skewed to MC women who tend to have better diets and lifestyles which helps with conception.

@PinkMochi

I feel like it’s only on MN where women say “20s is too young to have dc. I conceived straightaway aged 45 and my dc didn’t have any disabilities. I don’t mind being in my mid 60s when they graduate uni.” I think most women are told that their fertility and quality of eggs reduces in their mid 30s.

Most women wouldn’t get pregnant at 45 and to get pregnant the first month of trying at 45 would be even more highly unusual.

You were very lucky there. Little miracle really

@RedWingBoots the thing is whats the difference between a woman having her 4th child at 36 and someone having her first child at 36? my MIL had her 4th child at 36 and definitely didn't use IVF. She possibly wasn't even trying!

People do start to have children much later now but from previous generations, I can see that women had children at those ages but just number 4 or in one of my grandma's case number 7. Would probably have continued if the singapore government didn't encourage her to get sterilized (encourage is a kind word).

The thing is there is no rhyme or reason sometimes to these thing s I have polycystic ovaries,and had an extremely irregular cycle ,I could go six months with no periods so I did assume I probably would have difficulty getting pregnant ,I got pregnant after five weeks of trying with Ds1 and 12 months with Ds2,I no loads of people with no appearent issues who struggle for years ,it's like a lottery .

People say young people shouldn’t even think that way and to enjoy life. But I actually think it’s good for them to know what people go through regarding fertility problems.
I remember being 16 and my periods stopping for a while. I’d never even thought about babies before that. That triggered my awareness and worry that fertility isn’t a given. I found myself questioning my whole future. But if I’d have said that to anybody I would have got “You shouldn’t be thinking about that at your age.”
But why? No point brushing my worries under the carpet until I was 30.

I am very glad I had my children in my 20s.

I think actually the big message that society gives growing up is that if you try your hardest, work really hard, do the right thing then you will get what you want in life.

That hard work and persistent behaviour equals success.

Whereas actually in lots of life and particularly health and biology it's just dumb luck.

You can do all the right things, don't smoke or drink, exercise, drink water, eat sensibly be kind to everyone and still get horrible diseases.

And you can do all those things and not conceive.

Whereas someone else can have casual sex once and conceive.

Basically as children and at school we taught that if we play by the rules then life will be Basically fair.

And then trying to conceive it hits like a ton of bricks that this is a lie

@Dishwashersaurous as someone in my 20s, the message I got was that fertility does decrease but us women don't really have a choice as we need established careers as the cost of raising a child is so high.

Yanbu. I felt like this. It took several months to conceive DC 1 aged 31. I then had 3 miscarriages before DC2 age 34.

I really think we have this social idea that we must wait til our thirties but it's not optimal biologically. I know SO many men who feel they "aren't ready" until it's basically getting bloody late for their partner of the same age. My mum pointed out to me that women of her generation often married someone 5-10 years older and maybe there's a reason.

Onlychildhamster.

I'm really pleased that at least the facts are now percolating down. Definitely wasn't the case in previous decades.

@Sunshinealligator

I agree, and I say that having been on both sides of the spectrum. I fell pregnant at 16,not even aware that there was a condom failure. So I assumed, it was easy, would be easy to have a second baby. I decided when DD turned 1 I wanted to have another baby, 2 very close in age would be perfect. Except it didn't happen. It took years for GPs to give me any fertility testing, but I wasn't offered help, and untreated hormone imbalance,plus the eating from getting depressed then meant that they could use my BMI as an excuse for it, and to not help me...its taken 12 and a half years to finally get pregnant again. It feels like an absolute miracle! It does make me worry though, when people say, oh we will start trying once I'm 30/35! I always worry that what if its too late for them at that point? What if its too late? It's not as easy for everyone as one slip and you're pregnant and it's all going to be smooth sailing. I obviously don't say anything, but its not as straight forward for many people as they'd hope it to be.

Wishing you all the best in your journey

But you also have to consider that some people won't be in relationship,s where they are even thinking of having children untill their 30,s I didn't meet my dh untilli was 31 ,for most of my 20,s I had either flings or short term relationships, not always through choice ,I think I would have been ready to have children by my mid to late twenties,but I was very single at that age .

My mum drilled it in to us that we WOULD get pregnant any time we had unprotected sex. As it happened to her with all 3 of us.
I fell pregnant at 19 having been very lax with contraception for about 2 years. I was bullied by my mum into a termination.
Then followed years of falling pregnant,abnormal pregnancies,miscarriages and various operations.
Im incredibly lucky to have 3 dc but I havent forgotten the dark days. It made me mentally ill.
I wish you all the best.

I started ttc at 29. Never did get pregnant!

My mother on the other hand, married at 34, conceived at 35 and 37 with no problems. You never can tell.