If I'd known how hard conceiving can be I'd have started younger

[conceptionisdraining]

I feel like society/people/medics act like you have sex once and bang, you're pregnant.

I know this can and does happen, but it's just not the reality for most people - especially not me!

Actually getting pregnant can take time, then with miscarriages along the way it's ridiculous. It's been two years now since the journey started I'm 35 and planned to have a baby by now but not even pregnant.

Am I unreasonable to think there could perhaps but a little more factual education for women which in turn would probably save a lot of funding that goes towards IVF and other treatment.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier.

TTC is quite possibly the most boring, emotionally draining thing I've ever done.

I was told at 16 that I might have problems conceiving (something similar to PCOS) and that I should try to have children by 30.
At that time I didn't want to rush - I didn't want children until I wanted children, which was when I had the DH/house combination in my early 30s. (It didn't turn out to be an issue).

Don't lose hope, try not thinking about it, enjoy yourself and it will happen when you least expect it. I know it's easier said than done xx

This is really bad advice. If the OP is 35 and has been trying for two years, she and her partner should go to a clinic and get themselves checked out. It would be wise to know which way the land lies. It could be something very simple, like blocked fallopian tubes. Or the OP could have hardly any or no viable eggs left. Getting checked and advised sooner rather than later is key. Fertility is very much an age game.

In my experience lots of people talk about how it can be a struggle to get pregnant. The problem is you don’t know whether it will be easy or hard for you as an individual until you try and by then - obviously - it’s impossible to do anything different.

Thankfully I've never suffered problems conceiving so you have my complete empathy.
But I don't think it's necessarily sex eduction that's at fault. I believe it's more than social pressures that are largely to blame.
We had our DD1 when I was 29, she's now almost 21 so many years ago.
We then went on to have DD2 when I was 35
At the time was considered an 'older' mother.

Now I look at my daughters future and their attitudes are completely against raising a family, to them (especially DD1) their twenties are about building a career and money in the bank over and above relationships and children.
DD1 is final year at uni and she's just focused on her first job and career progression. Children and relationships don't feature very highly on her list of priorities.
So there's a generation that focuses on what they perceive to be their expectations/realities.
I'm pretty sure that DD would consider herself a failure if she were to have a baby now because society expects a young women with a good uni education to focus on her career. Any less and she'd see herself as a failure.
So I can completely see that she will not be looking at having a family until well into her thirties.
It's the way we have conditioned women to think.
And I'm well aware how that makes me sound but has been said up thread, biology is a fact.
So I don't think education needs to change but maybe the pressures on young women has to be adjusted.
It's likely more an issue about the workplace than it is about physicality.

I find the world my own well educated, fiercely independent daughters are growing up in is not conducive to being a biological women.

@drivinmecrazy yes absolutely, this is why we need more equity for women in the workplace, so women don't feel so pressured to get to a certain point in her career before she can consider it, having a baby shouldn't jeopardise her career at whatever point she is at in it and that would remove some of the pressure. A bit idealistic perhaps but I think it would one area of improvement!

I think there actually IS a lot of information about declining fertility in your 30s. I was aware of it. The fact is that some people seem to conceive easily even in their 40s so I suspect other women imagine it will happen to them too. But I really do feel for you. It's a very emotionally exhausting thing to go through. I had my children at 35 and 38 and was very fortunate in that it happened fairly easily. However, I still wish I'd had them earlier - I would have had more time with them, more time with any future grandchildren, they would have had more time with my parents, etc. I wish you all the very best and hope you get good news soon.

One of my friends who was quite a few years into TTC had a very frank conversation with me pretty much word for word hour first post. She is the reason I have the children I do because we decided to start sooner rather than later (and I did fall literally straight away - very lucky, a slightly bumpier road to DC2 but again, all a few years earlier than it probably would have been had she not advised starting TTC when she did).

Women are sold the lie as young girls now that they can have it all if only you try hard enough.

You can be the ceo travel the world have the amazing husband then in your late 30’s to 40’s have your babies once you’ve got it all.

Odds are stacked very much against that though.

There’s a reason women used to have children young and it’s not just because olden days it’s because that was the prime time and women did stay home so they where not worrying about having it all and putting it off.

It's not helped by all the 40+ women in the media having babies but we obviously don't know what's happened behind the scenes of that, whether it was nature, years of trying or costly treatments. We are supposed to just believe it's natural and people get very bothered by questions, granted it's not our business but it does perpetuate this idea that it's common to easily have healthy babies into our late 40s.

@Horst but we have way fewer children though. My grandma started at 19 and had 7 until the government got her sterilized. I am not aiming for 7, i just want 1 child, I wouldn't be able to give 7 children the life they deserve. my MIL started at 28 and had 4- DH's little sister is 8 years younger than him.

YANBU imo. My auntie is in her 50s now and was never able to conceive, she started mid 20s, and discovered severe endo. She had an ectopic then 5 unsuccessful ivfs.
She told me when I was in my mid-20s not to leave it too long if I really want children because it's better to have them before you're ready than never at all - if in the right circumstances of course (I had been with my fiance for 4 years and was due to marry him the year after). We started trying straight away after we were married when I was 27. We ran into problems too (DH's side). I wanted two children by 32. It took exactly 4 years, and ICSI, for my DS to come along.
I'm 32 now and we're trying for our second, looking into another ICSI for next year. I know it's not like this for everyone, but for me, your post resonates and I'm thankful I had that conversation with my auntie.

@TableFlowerss you misread my post. I put an example of something I’ve heard in speech marks. I’m in my 20s, but I’ve heard women in their 40s saying they’re ttc and it’s fine to wait until that age. My reaction is always at those threads.

@onlychildhamster I had my first and (deliberately) only child at the same age as my mum had her last child. Both of us had no issues.

Yes it does help if women in both your maternal and paternal lines are able to have healthy children later but there are no guarantees due to your individual genetics plus environment.

@user0176 some of those women would have conceived naturally with and without help, others would have had a small number of cycles of IVF, others would have lots of cycles, others would use donor eggs, others would use surrogates, others would have adopted...

The thing is because they are producing real living human beings unless they think their children will cope as teens and adults with the world knowing about their conception they are right to keep tight lipped on it in public.

@RedWingBoots absolutely, I'm merely saying that because it is so common amongst celebrities it gives an unrealistic representation that having babies 40+ is normal and easy, I'm not saying they're at fault or should do things differently perse, merely pointing out the impact of that visual.

I had my ds when I was 24, he's 7 now. He was a complete (very much wanted) accident. Before that I was in a long term relationship where I never bothered with contraception and not once did I fall pregnant. My periods were abit all over the shop but I never really thought much of it as they did turn up in the end, give or take a couple of weeks. I then met my current partner and boom pregnant within the first few months ! Since then we've been trying for number 2 and guess what? It's not happening. A year down the road from ivf and have just had a miscarriage. Honestly it's so messed up how that one month my body allowed me to get pregnant yet before that and after, nothing. I truly believe my ds is my little miracle.
It was always drummed in have sex, get pregnant. But it just doesn't work that way for a lot of people. How naive of me.

Oh @conceptionisdraining I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Tbh I could have written your post myself. I started TTC end of feb and just chalked up my second loss last week on my DH’s birthday :-(

It’s so draining and awful and does make you question if you want to even go through with it. But I think your depth of feeling about it shows you really do.

I didn’t meet my partner til I was 33.5 so not option to start much sooner than now (36). There’s plenty of hectoring voices telling you to get a move on I feel, but little education on how you actually GET pregnant, and absolutely no help when you do have miscarriages.

Solidarity to you. If it’s any consolation I remember being so convinced I’d never even get married when I really wanted a partner, it just seemed a million miles away and now it’s my very ordinary life, hoping this will be the same.

I think it’s hard. On one hand, some women don’t appreciate that it can be very tough to get pregnant over 35 and that IVF is no silver bullet. But there are just as many unhappily single by circumstance women who are acutely aware that time is slipping away, and I don’t want to make what is sometimes an unhappy circumstance even more so.

As an IVF veteran I wish they’d be more realistic about its success at each age group. A significant proportion of over IVF babies born to moms over 40 are donor conceived. On IVF forums, you frequently see women of 44 and 45 distraught that they either don’t respond to IVF, or that their clinic won’t treat them with their own eggs. Own egg IVF success at 44/45 is so rare that science papers are written about single success stories, but this is not being communicated.

It's absolutely no help to tell most women to start sooner - what if you haven't met your partner, or are building a career, or saving for a home?
It's all an accident of biology. We've no way of knowing what can happen. Some women conceive in the first cycle, others take years or have no good outcome.
These celebrities that are older often have IVF, especially if they have twins, or children of different genders close together. They have the embryos screened that way as well.
Good luck, OP (and others on here). It's tough.

You're right, @Dishwashersaurus.
Nothing you can do about it.

[quote user0176]@RedWingBoots absolutely, I'm merely saying that because it is so common amongst celebrities it gives an unrealistic representation that having babies 40+ is normal and easy, I'm not saying they're at fault or should do things differently perse, merely pointing out the impact of that visual.[/quote]
TBH I get the impression from MN that getting pregnant over 40 is a breeze. If anyone posts “is it too late to have a baby at 42” there is a chorus of no you haven’t and hundreds of anecdotes from posters about themselves or relatives or friends who got pregnant in their late 40s.

You're right, @CounsellorTroi - in fact there was a thread recently where a 52 year old woman had got pregnant and there followed frankly ludicrous posts about unassisted, problem free pregnancies in your 50s. It was nonsense. Unfortunately, age is a factor for women.

@Maireas a lot of the options available to women today would have the effect of delaying one having a career or buying a property. Like a year abroad, an overseas internship or a travel sabbatical. All extremely enriching for the mind and all great things to do but if all you ever wanted was to be parent, what you really need is a stable career that could pay a mortgage and childcare, you don't need to travel extensively or do an overseas internship to get it in most cases (there is probably some very niche career out there where extensive study at far off places is a pre-requisite; or if you work in the performing arts-actress/singer/model where there is tons of overseas travel).

my SIL is 26 and she is on this overseas internship in Israel after her masters degree. My DH is very doubtful that it will help her get a job in the UK as its the sort of internship where the internship organizers find you the internship; its not one of those super competitive internships in large companies that people would be really impressed by but it is probably way more fun as it combines elements of a holiday with interning. It doesn't guarantee a job in Israel either, she doesn't speak the language and she isn't sure she wants to settle there; jobs in Israel are gained mainly through connections.She isn't in a relationship either. She was telling me that women should have babies in their 20s as its 'bad to have children in their 30s'. I didn't want to point out that if you wanted children in your 20s,; even if you couldn't magic up a suitable life partner, you would try to get a paying job asap so that you can save up for a long term home/maternity leave. I mean, its not like an employer is going to give you a higher salary cos you spent a few months interning in a foreign country; it may enhance your CV and give you an added edge during an interview But a lot of young people would opt for the super fun overseas internship and they are probably right to do so. Its just that my friends who had babies early never did such stuff.

I have a neighbour who is 29 and the father of 2 (his wife is probably similar age). He got married as soon as he graduated from university and he got a job completely unrelated to his degree in music- a job in his father's trade and he worked as a musician part time. He had a daughter a year later. Daugher #2 was born this year. They are much more religious Jews than my MIL's family so I guess marrying young and having children young is important to them. I am sure they manage to pay their bills and their kids look well cared for. Unlike DH and I, they have not bought their flat (i guess we prioritized property ownership over having children young), but I guess you can't have everything in life. Still he has worked for years and is probably much closer to being able to buy a house than someone who did multiple degrees/travelled/lived in other countries. I don't know who is happier though, I guess it would depend on the person!

It's absolutely no help to tell most women to start sooner - what if you haven't met your partner, or are building a career, or saving for a home?

At least two of those are possible while TTC/having a baby. Not mutually exclusive for many people, apart from being told that it's 'not possible' by others.

I think if you do want kids for sure, it's a good idea to think about it- I wouldn't say it's unhelpful advice at all.

@rarge

It's absolutely no help to tell most women to start sooner - what if you haven't met your partner, or are building a career, or saving for a home?

At least two of those are possible while TTC/having a baby. Not mutually exclusive for many people, apart from being told that it's 'not possible' by others.

I think if you do want kids for sure, it's a good idea to think about it- I wouldn't say it's unhelpful advice at all.

What if you haven't met your partner yet? Living in shared accommodation or rental shouldn't preclude it, but people understandably want security.