If I'd known how hard conceiving can be I'd have started younger

[conceptionisdraining]

I feel like society/people/medics act like you have sex once and bang, you're pregnant.

I know this can and does happen, but it's just not the reality for most people - especially not me!

Actually getting pregnant can take time, then with miscarriages along the way it's ridiculous. It's been two years now since the journey started I'm 35 and planned to have a baby by now but not even pregnant.

Am I unreasonable to think there could perhaps but a little more factual education for women which in turn would probably save a lot of funding that goes towards IVF and other treatment.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier.

TTC is quite possibly the most boring, emotionally draining thing I've ever done.

Yes. Agree OP. I struggled in my late 20s.. 3 years TTC… was diagnosed pcos, and later endometriosis and adenomyosis which made sense. It was a horrible time and I nearly lost my mind and my relationship, I later had two miscarriages and then severe health issues with the endometriosis. Schools are now teaching about endometriosis which is vital for women’s health and also illustrates how it can be hard to fall pregnant with it.

Me and DH never ever had unprotected sex until TTC as I thought I would fall and have a baby right away, had I have known what I do I probably would have been a little more relaxed about unprotected sex a few years earlier. tbh this should have been a clue as to the fact you might find things difficult.

you say that people act as if you can fall pregnant when having unprotected sex because it’s true. Cycle tracking or not tracking doesn’t change whether or not you can fall pregnant. People have been not tracking cycles for centuries, it’s a new thing as indeed is contraception, and you only have to look at the size of families prior to contraception, and in the catholic community where sex other than to conceive is considered wrong, to know that having unprotected sex is akin to trying to conceive.

I’m sorry for your struggles, but I would have assumed that not getting pregnant after years of no contraception meant that you were almost certainly going to find it difficult. In fact people I know who have never used contraception and have fallen pregnant years down the line have been surprised as they’d always just assumed they couldn’t have children.

I thought I understood my reproductive system. TTC DD2 showed me I knew nothing.

DD1 was a contraceptive pill failure when I was 19 so we thought conceiving DC2 when I was 24 would be quick and painless. It took us over a year and a huge amount of heartbreak.

As a PP said, our sex education is shocking!

I think the advice is out there and is given, but in many cases people choose not to believe it. And MN is full of people saying “don’t worry, you have time, I fell pregnant in my first month of trying at age 45, then went on to have 3 more healthy babies” etc.
I think sometimes it’s seen as a feminist issue, and that somehow by advising women to have kids early, society is trying to hold back their careers.
But biology is biology, and you can’t argue with it.
I got pregnant by accident age 19, and had a termination. It therefore never entered my head that I’d end up having IVF in my 30s.

@Namechange600 I have been diagnosed with endermetriosis and adenomyosis by fertility doctor, had an internal camera etc but he said don't worry about it as I have fallen pregnant twice and these things are not connected to miscarriage,

I don't trust his advice so will be seeking a new one in the new year

@Bagamoyo1 I agree as my DH really took our ages for granted thinking we have all the time in the world and there's no rush.

For me, trying to conceive and the endless trips to the fertility clinic had become a full time job. I can't tell you how many times a month I would go scans and blood tests etc. It's utterly soul destroying month after month to realise your period is on its way. I had my 1st child after fertility treatment and now I'm pregnant with my 2nd after trying to conceive for 2 years and spending a year of that having fertility treatment. I fell pregnant naturally between treatment and only stopped treatment because I was feeling so emotionally drained and tired of it all. I'm going to be 39 when I have baby no.2. My husband and I are definitely not the "have sex once and it's job done." It's been a hard road.

It’s ridiculous.

DSis fell pregnant at 17 - she cried in my bathroom, wailed “but he pulled out” - I was heavily pregnant and the time and laughed so hard I thought my waters would break

When she was 30, she started TTC #2. At 31, she went to the GP. Lots of tests later, her ovaries were working fine, her womb was fine, it was the “bastard tubes that serve no function other than to sit there, doesn’t have to form an egg, doesn’t have to grow the baby” (her words) that were fucked - blocked and twisted for some unknown reason.

She qualified for IVF because her eggs were excellent and she agreed to donate some in exchange for NHS IVF - one round only.

Unfortunately it didn’t take, she can’t afford to fund it privately and the whole 2.5 year process almost destroyed her.

Women in my family are either first shot on target or have complex fertility issues, even when they are young. There is no middle ground at all.

@Bagamoyo1 I think you're right it has almost become a feminism argument. But at the end of the day, women and men ARE different, we are biologically disadvantaged when it comes to starting families and I agree there does have to be more acceptance for it

Similar to a couple of PP on this thread, I too feel that we're constantly reminded of our ticking biological clock and how much riskier it is to conceive later. Without meaning to be rude to anyone, I don't know how any woman could have escaped the information about how hard it can be to conceive, especially at an older age.

However, what I think most of us are guilty of is thinking that it's something that happens to someone else. We hear the information, understand it and then somehow it gets filed away in the "not relevant to me" box. It's a natural human reaction and we do it with lots of things. If you're relatively healthy and not diagnosed with something like polycystic ovaries, most women assume they won't have a problem.

I had the opposite problem, I fell pregnant twice with a contraception failure. Similar kind of thing - of course I knew it was possible as I KNOW contraception isn't 100% but never dreamt it would happen to me. And I was meticulous about contraception but still I ended up being one of the statistics. Never thought it would happen to me!

I’m mid 30s now and since my late 20s I was hyper aware of how my age would make it so much more difficult to conceive. My awareness came from a combination of news articles, magazines and friends and family sharing their experiences. And I had colleagues who spoke very openly about their fertility struggles and miscarriages. Before that I naively did believe unprotected sex = instant pregnancy. Maybe because that message was drummed into me from when I was a teenager

To be honest there’s so many important life lessons I wish I’d known sooner, things I feel should be commonly shared knowledge but I’ve just happened upon by chance. So although I presume most women are aware of it, I can totally see how that might not be the case.

@SpidersAreShitheads also agree these 'bad' things always have on to 'someone else'

I think deep down I'm also annoyed at how blasé my DH has been telling me I'm being ridiculous even worrying before she 40 about it all. He lives in a dream cuckoo land when it comes to fertility and children.

It's catch 22. Start before you're ready and risk a pregnancy you regret, start when you're ready and risk waiting.

Personally I started about 6 months before I was ready, got pregnant first time and was scared shitless and wished I'd waited 6-12 months.

@JunoMcDuff

It's catch 22. Start before you're ready and risk a pregnancy you regret, start when you're ready and risk waiting.

Personally I started about 6 months before I was ready, got pregnant first time and was scared shitless and wished I'd waited 6-12 months.

You really can't win. It honestly makes me think the whole thing is such bollocks that maybe it's not for me.

Lots of posters commenting how they did know about struggling to conceive later in life and don’t want it mentioned even more I do understand that, but for me I was only 26 when I first started trying and it had never crossed my mind that it wouldn’t happen within a few months!
The other side to it I found hard was the secrecy of that part of your life from people you hadn’t told (about ttc) to the questions constantly coming from people you had told!

See I think women have it made very clear to them that it gets harder as you get older, statistically speaking. But there’s plenty of older women who fall pregnant quickly and plenty of younger women who don’t. The simple fact is, you don’t know until you try.

I ummed and ahhhed for years about whether I should have a baby, well aware of the warnings of the difficulty of getting pregnant in your late 30s. So come 38, I decided if I got pregnant then fine and if I didn’t then also fine. Well, I fell pregnant within 2 months but unfortunately lost her at 31 weeks (not age related). Quickly got pregnant again and miscarried at 9 weeks. Got pregnant again, straight away, and am now just turned 40 and due in 3 weeks. I have friends in their early 30s who’ve been trying for years with no success.

Yes I actually believed the whole 'you can get pregnant any time you have unprotected sex' bollocks for years

It really isn't bollocks I conceived DS unintentionally from a one off on day 5 of my cycle (so just finished period) with thought the chances were low, we were wrong. I was 28.

Same thing happened to a friend at 41 !

Oh op I really understand your pain. DH and I planned to ttc after we got married. Thought it would happen pretty quickly. That was 4 years ago, still no baby, not even a positive pregnancy test.

It's fucking relentless and now I'm heading towards mid 30s and constantly in an ever rising panic that its not going to happen.

I don't have much advice but just wanted to tell you you are not alone, it's shit and soul destroying. Really hope with all my heart you get your BFP soon.

I have pcos, periods turn up when they feel like it. Was convinced we'd need IVF. Never had a pregnancy scare - Never felt fertile even. Started feeling pressure to ttc late 20s.

Pregnant within the first month of ttc- both times. Even whilst breastfeeding no 1 the second time. Massive shock to me and I had warned dh it would take time.

So it can happen quickly. It really is the luck of the draw and you don't know if luck is on your side Before you start. Concieving/ pregnancy/ birth/ children it's all one big potentially heart breaking gamble. Hope you have good news soon op.

If you decide it's not for you OP and give up you'll fall pregnant, sod's law.

@WinterberrySpice Thank you so much. And you too, it's honestly shit isn't it.

You feel almost like the world is moving on with out you,

I've also started planning a childfree life just incase.

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. I feel like I've always been told 35+ is a risky time to start (I know that "cliff edge" is now disputed), we had our children young which I always thought was relatively sensible given that we met young so why wait, but have had nothing but judgement from mumsnet, comments from throwing my life away, not experiencing my 20s, not able to be good parents, through to being uneducated and inexperienced (despite actually living a very full life with children, with higher education). Thankfully that's not the reaction I've gotten in person, I mostly get comments about how lucky I am. Online, it feels like there is a rising snobbery around having children younger, but it's forgotten (or perhaps less discussed now) that biologically, it is preferable to be in your 20s or early 30s. It's not preferable with the way society is set up now, housing costs etc etc, but we can't change biology.

@user0176 yes but that's why is agreed at 33 even though at that age I didn't really really want them but I figured precatuion I should start now, so I already did fast track it.

I clearly didn't fastrack it enough though

[quote conceptionisdraining]@WinterberrySpice Thank you so much. And you too, it's honestly shit isn't it.

You feel almost like the world is moving on with out you,

I've also started planning a childfree life just incase. [/quote]
Yes, like everyone else is in the 'parenting club', but we don't meet the criteria to be invited. It's hurts so much. Thinking to yourself whenever you hear yet another pregnancy announcement 'when will it be me? Will it ever be me?' honestly the pain makes me feel numb sometimes.