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"Boston marriage" - any experience?
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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 20:52

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

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nancybotwinbloom · 20/11/2021 20:54

Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

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Caterinasballerinas · 20/11/2021 20:56

Sounds ideal. Maybe draw up an agreement where you have regular check points to see if you are happy continuing.

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DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 20/11/2021 20:56

Agreement from me too. I'd love to do this with my bf, though I do love living with my DH more tbh, but if he weren't around (and her DH too) I'd be totally up for this.
Really hope you two make it work. Never heard that name for it before, but I'm sure I've read magazine articles about it in the past working well.

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nimbuscloud · 20/11/2021 20:57

Would your children want to live together ?

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ToffeePennie · 20/11/2021 20:57

This sound incredible! Do it!

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WayneBruce · 20/11/2021 20:57

I can imagine financially it would make alot on sense on a day to day basis.

Only complications I can think of is housing and wills when one of you dies eventually. You'd just need to make sure your kids are sorted in that respect. This is if you're planning on buying together.

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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 20:58

@Caterinasballerinas

Sounds ideal. Maybe draw up an agreement where you have regular check points to see if you are happy continuing.

Yes, good idea!
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JoanOgden · 20/11/2021 20:58

Sounds good, but make sure you do lots of scenario planning in case of a fallout or one of you meeting the love of your life.

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FriedaKleinsCat · 20/11/2021 20:59

I think it sounds brilliant. You’d want to have a very honest, realistic conversation about the practicalities and eventualities - what will you do if one of you does meet someone you want to live with? What will you do if your kid actually hate living with each other? (Being friends is different to being housemates for your kids as well as you.) But overall I’d be all for it myself.

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BrieAndChilli · 20/11/2021 20:59

It depends, will you be renting? If so that makes it simpler if someone wants out at any point but if buying together that makes it complicated if someone does meet a partner and wants them over all the time etc.

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ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 20/11/2021 20:59

sounds great!
you've already got a good track record living together so why the heck not?

It's unclear to me whether it'd be just the two of you or kids involved as well - if the latter you can only know if the children would be happy with this or not.
If it's just you two then definitely go for it! best of luck

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NuffSaidSam · 20/11/2021 21:00

Do you have the same parenting style? How would you fit into each others children's lives? I think there is potential for problems there.

Sounds great though and no more complicated than any other family set up.

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thisplaceisweird · 20/11/2021 21:01

Scenario planning sounds like a good idea, I would also ensure you're both having Frank discussions individually with the children to ensure any concerns are taken into account and addressed

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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:02

@nimbuscloud

Would your children want to live together ?

To be completely honest, hard to tell. They are all pre-school / early primary.... At that age, even my own two who are full siblings do not want to live with each other one day, and then are inseparable the next day.

We probed the ground gently so far with several weekend / long weekend stays, and it was very positive.
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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:03

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

sounds great!
you've already got a good track record living together so why the heck not?

It's unclear to me whether it'd be just the two of you or kids involved as well - if the latter you can only know if the children would be happy with this or not.
If it's just you two then definitely go for it! best of luck

Ah no, kids too, of course. We both have 100% residence.
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citycitycity · 20/11/2021 21:04

I have been thinking the same recently - I wondered if there is a way to have a relationship with a woman but not sexual, as I’m not a lesbian. This sounds ideal! I didn’t know it had a name.

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PiffleWiffleWoozle · 20/11/2021 21:05

I would do a trial 6 months or so with break clause.


Also definitely have clear wills in place and see a professional to sort. Would you rent or buy?

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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:05

@BrieAndChilli

It depends, will you be renting? If so that makes it simpler if someone wants out at any point but if buying together that makes it complicated if someone does meet a partner and wants them over all the time etc.

We both are homeowners, so will be moving into one (my) house and (for the time being) renting out the other.

The agreement so far is that all dating / romance / sex has to happen outside of the house.
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Capricornandproud · 20/11/2021 21:05

@nancybotwinbloom

Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣
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Hairyfriend · 20/11/2021 21:05

Sounds great till things go wrong. What if one of your gets a partner? Gets back with an ex? Wants friends over? Would you be renting or buying together? how old are the children and would they want to live together? Would you have a house big enough for a separate lounge/sofa area for each family for space- all squished into 1 room every night?

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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:08

@Hairyfriend

Sounds great till things go wrong. What if one of your gets a partner? Gets back with an ex? Wants friends over? Would you be renting or buying together? how old are the children and would they want to live together? Would you have a house big enough for a separate lounge/sofa area for each family for space- all squished into 1 room every night?

Yes, the house is quite spacious - we will be quite an "average" family in terms of the number of people around here. Not necessarily with segregated spaces in the lounge, but all children will be able to have own rooms.
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Capricornandproud · 20/11/2021 21:09

Its brilliant. I would think kids & bedtimes plus parenting styles re punishment, grounding, electronics and attitudes to trying foods might be the only sticky bit… and I do think it could be confusing if one person tells off or reprimands the others child. Also, how will you both get your own privacy or quiet time? (Then again, I’m an introvert so might not apply…) If you get on well, quite easy going, either both lazy or both on the same page re housework and chores then go for it!

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abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:10

@NuffSaidSam

Do you have the same parenting style? How would you fit into each others children's lives? I think there is potential for problems there.

Sounds great though and no more complicated than any other family set up.

Not exactly the same parenting style, no. But nothing that we have major conflicts over - I mean, we holiday together with the children, and quite used to sleepovers at each other's places too. I cannot say there have never been disagreements, but they are usually resolved quickly with no ill feelings (I hope!).
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SickAndTiredAgain · 20/11/2021 21:11

You’d need to plan for what would happen if the arrangement ended either due to falling out or one of you meeting someone.

I also think you’d need to discuss parenting. Obviously you’d parent your own children, but equally if the children are similar ages and you both have different rules about what they can/can’t do, or expectations around chores etc you could cause some friction between the kids. Also to what level are you happy with one person disciplining the other’s child. If your child is rude to her when you’re not there for example, can she speak to them about that. If they’re very rude or repeatedly misbehaving, can she enforce a punishment. And vice versa you with her kids.

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rooarsome · 20/11/2021 21:11

I had a lovely patient a couple of years back. She had a beautiful house and always lamented how quiet it had become since the death of her husband. She had a good friend (whose husband had also died at a similar time) who she would try to meet for coffee, but with their health they each found it increasingly difficult. Eventually she invited the friend to move in with her.
They were fab, I loved going round.

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