"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

If the house is big enough for everyone to fit comfortably, I think this could be a brilliant set up. I would also love to have this living arrangement, but currently have a similar problem to Nancy earlier in the thread....

@Capricornandproud

Its brilliant. I would think kids & bedtimes plus parenting styles re punishment, grounding, electronics and attitudes to trying foods might be the only sticky bit… and I do think it could be confusing if one person tells off or reprimands the others child. Also, how will you both get your own privacy or quiet time? (Then again, I’m an introvert so might not apply…) If you get on well, quite easy going, either both lazy or both on the same page re housework and chores then go for it!

Yes, both quite lazy / messy to the same extent. We both have cleaners now, so there will be an additional benefit from pooling the funds on that front as well

There was an incredible thread I read somewhere about this once (not Mumsnet, might have been AITA on Reddit?) where a few single women all lived in adjacent houses and basically turned it into kind of a commune and went to all family occasions and holidays together as if they were each other’s significant others (except there were three of them). It sounded absolutely incredible and if I were ever in your situation, and with the right person, I would do it in a heartbeat.

@SickAndTiredAgain

You’d need to plan for what would happen if the arrangement ended either due to falling out or one of you meeting someone.

I also think you’d need to discuss parenting. Obviously you’d parent your own children, but equally if the children are similar ages and you both have different rules about what they can/can’t do, or expectations around chores etc you could cause some friction between the kids. Also to what level are you happy with one person disciplining the other’s child. If your child is rude to her when you’re not there for example, can she speak to them about that. If they’re very rude or repeatedly misbehaving, can she enforce a punishment. And vice versa you with her kids.

Yes, all very good points. Thanks!

I don't think that immediate co-habitation with some guy is on the cards for any of us, this is something that we discussed already (that is actually how the whole discussion has started). But, of course, you never know.

Would anyone worry about teenagers of the opposite sex who are not siblings living together? Or is that a bit paranoid?

Are your incomes similar so you can share the bills? If not how would these be split? Would you each cook for everyone or just your own kids? How will you share the “wife work”?

Sounds great to me !

What happens re. childcare if one wants to go out without the other? Will you be happy looking after all the children?

What if one of you does meet someone and decides to break the agreement?

I think if you could agree a full set of “house rules” for the children it could work. If you can’t agree those (like rules around homework, and bedtimes, and routines and chores etc) then it’s better to live next door to one another. I can’t see how different rules for the children would work within the same household.

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

I would do a trial 6 months or so with break clause.

Also definitely have clear wills in place and see a professional to sort. Would you rent or buy?

Yes, maybe a trial is a good idea.

We'll move to my house and will rent out hers. There's no intention to pool major capital assets at this stage yet - only the incomes / expenses.

@Bananabrush

Would anyone worry about teenagers of the opposite sex who are not siblings living together? Or is that a bit paranoid?

Good point, but they are years and years from that age... and any blended family then has the same issues, no?

Amazing idea, go for it. A bit less unusual but I bought my first flat with an old school friend when we were both single and couldn't afford to get on the housing ladder alone. Everyone told it was a bad idea but it was one of my best decisions ever, personally and financially - we bought, did up and lived in a lovely little place for a couple of years, then she moved in with a new boyfriend and I bought her out. We both had a lovely home, had fun and made a profit. You just need to get the legalities right and work as a team.

OP I love this idea
Don't tell DP...

Seriously though, like most things, the first thing that strikes me is money. It would work best in neighbouring homes so the children could have their own family life, and that goes right back to needing an abundance of money.

As do most things sadly.

A friend of mine did this after her very difficult divorce from a very controlling man. It worked out really well for her and her house partner. All the kids are grown up now and away at uni, and they have both moved on, but it gave them both stability and security for many years. They are still close friends.

@icedcoffees

What happens re. childcare if one wants to go out without the other? Will you be happy looking after all the children?

What if one of you does meet someone and decides to break the agreement?

Yes, we do babysit for one other now (not very frequently though as currently living around 90 mins apart).

If one of us meets someone else and decides to break the agreement, then the agreement is broken, I guess.

Do either of you have family who visit and stay with you? That could be annoying if it's not your own.

I think it sounds great but you'd need to harmonise your approaches to child rearing, I don't think it would go well to eg have one child having two hours screen time and the other one hour, or one allowed junk food and the other not. I think you'd basically have to be co-parenting both children for it to work.

Is it definitely platonic for both of you? Even if not an issue How are all adults and kids going to handle the constant suggestion that you are a couple/ kids have 2 mums. Obvs there is 1000% nothing wrong with this so fuck anyone who judges but it may be confusing for your young kids.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

The obvious drawback is when one of you gets into a relationship, or do you both intend to spend the rest of your like celebate and loveless? what if Mr Right comes along?

And why the stupid name-Boston Maariage, when what you are talking about is a houseshare?

I just need to work out what to do with my DH

That's what sheds are for, surely.

I think this is the kind of living arrangement which should be an option. Along with cluster housing like in Scandinavia, extended family housing like Singapore and tiny home parks like the US.

We are far far rigid with what works.

As time goes on I think irritation will set in.

It's worth trying but could be very well wearing.

@VanCleefArpels

Are your incomes similar so you can share the bills? If not how would these be split? Would you each cook for everyone or just your own kids? How will you share the “wife work”?

I am on ~20%-30% more, but otherwise good professional salaries both (both between 50K and 100K). Haven't discussed exactly how the bills will be split yet. Most of the cleaning and cooking is likely to be outsourced tbh, we both work quite long hours and are similarly lazy.

I know a pair in early retirement who have done this. It seems to be going well - they've been living together for over a decade!

@EnidFrighten

Do either of you have family who visit and stay with you? That could be annoying if it's not your own.

I think it sounds great but you'd need to harmonise your approaches to child rearing, I don't think it would go well to eg have one child having two hours screen time and the other one hour, or one allowed junk food and the other not. I think you'd basically have to be co-parenting both children for it to work.

Family visits infrequently, once or twice a year. Yes, fair point about the co-parenting.

So her children will move schools? Will they go to your children’s school?

@wouldthatbeworse

Is it definitely platonic for both of you? Even if not an issue How are all adults and kids going to handle the constant suggestion that you are a couple/ kids have 2 mums. Obvs there is 1000% nothing wrong with this so fuck anyone who judges but it may be confusing for your young kids.

Definitely platonic for both of us. Yes, good point - we probably will look like a same sex couple to the outside, but tbh I don't really care that much.