"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

I've never understood why more single parents don't do this. It sounds like a great idea. I just think it would be wise to set some boundaries first - e.g discuss parenting styles and what is unacceptable to each of you, be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, make sure you have time alone and that shared childcare is fairly distributed.

Sounds fab - but I’d def do a very detailed agreement about possible areas of disagreement and also a process for when you disagree about somethinf

I'm a single mum and I would love to do this, and kid too. I think I'd want my bedroom to function as a private living space to retreat to sometimes - comfy chair, tv, music etc. Echo having regular house meetings to check in with each other so nothing festers

I think this sounds like an incredibly sensible idea and I’m surprised more single parents and single people in general don’t do it, not in a ‘flat share’ with strangers scenario but with a good friend or family member you know you’d get on with why not?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

I’ve discussed this with friends too

@nancybotwinbloom

Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

This 😂

It sounds to me like the only civillised way to cohabit.

Love this! Good luck OP

My main issue would be to have to live with someone else’s children. I would love to live with my best friend in theory but although I love being around my own child, being around other people’s makes me feel drained after a while. I don’t think I could do it full time. But if you are really into the idea, in theory, I think it is a good one.

Just like Kate and Allie, an American sitcom from the 80's. I have often wondered why more single mothers don't do something similar.

I think it's a wonderful idea; a pooling of resources and companionship. I would try to make an agreement, written down, to include finances, property maintenance, etc. Maybe set an agreement for a certain time frame, and reassess after that time. Good luck.

I’d look for cohabitation and Co-parenting agreements online as a guide to issues to discuss. You need to work out how much notice is required to end it. Presumably she’d need time to give her tenants notice and/or to find somewhere new if you wanted to stop it.

Another obvious question that I'm sure you've thought about: Do both of you get on with the fathers of the other's children? If the fathers are co-parenting they will be showing up at your home so there needs to be a basic level of a good relationship.

When people talk about a romantic partner moving into the house of the other partner, there's often comment in MN about being very clear about ownership of the house - if the mover-in contributes to the mortgage they may have claim to some ownership. You'd personally need to get very clear legal advice on this.

What about tax? When and if she ever sells her house, it’ll be liable for CGT whereas yours won’t if you continue living in it as the designated “family home”.
Or what if her tenants end up not paying the rent and she has to cover the mortgage and can’t contribute to yours, how will that work?

I think if I did this I would want a bit of clear demarkation of personal space. Love my friends and we have indeed discussed this at several points in life and its ear marked as a "retirement plan if we are single" kind of thing given women tend to live longer. My understanding particularly if benefits are involved is that it can be construed as cohabiting whether or not there is a more personal relationship.

When I used to watch SATC I used to shout at the TV screen that Carrie and Miranda should move in together instead of constantly chasing after unavailable or unsuitable men to give them the domestic security and love they both craved, because they so clealy had it, right under their noses - in each other.

But no, because sex would not be involved, it was unthinkable to partner up.

Is sex REALLY that important? So overwhelmingly important that it's better to have the wrong male than the right female as a living partner?

I would absolutely love to be in a Boston marriage with a woman. Shame there isn't a dating app for that!

Sounds amazing
I'd love to live in a women only commune
Good luck!

I had a similar arrangement when DD was young. It lasted a few months. Other mum had very different parenting style, the kids argued and she kept bringing her bf back after the pub....
Good luck to you, sounds like you have already worked things out between you 💐

Just wanted to add that this kind of arrangement was extremely common during the Victorian-Edwardian era.

It would be two friends, sisters, cousins, or two women of different generations such as mother-daughter or aunt and niece. It seems to have worked out most of the time without people sitting down with reams of paperwork and negotiations!

@Maskless

Just wanted to add that this kind of arrangement was extremely common during the Victorian-Edwardian era.

It would be two friends, sisters, cousins, or two women of different generations such as mother-daughter or aunt and niece. It seems to have worked out most of the time without people sitting down with reams of paperwork and negotiations!

Probably because there weren't any children or partners in the mix

*potential partners

This sounds idyllic. Obviously you'd have to iron out the potential issues already been raised on this thread but other than that, I think it sounds like a really lovely idea.

Living the dream! Good luck!

I was wondering if someone would mention Kate & Allie.

There are a lot of important points being raised on the thread, and clearly you have put a lot of thought into the majority of them already.

I think living with someone else is always a leap of faith to some degree, but I'm sure many people make the move in romantic relationships with a lot less reflection or consideration than you are doing.

Perhaps many women would benefit from considering the scenarios raised here, on what is acceptable, what are non-negotiable behaviours, boundaries and exit points as they enter co-habitation with men. And to have those conversations up-front in a frank and honest manner. I like the regular and scheduled break point opportunities too.

This is common where I live. People call it a single parent flatshare/houseshare and call one another flatmates. You might want to call it something other than a Boston marriage since Boston marriages were often fronts for real relationships so people familiar with the term might think you are trying to say you are in a closeted relationship.