"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

This does sound like an amazing idea. DP was away for a week this week and by day 3 I was so lonely dealing with the kids on my own and having no-one to chat with in the evenings. I have a new found respect for all single parents.

I agree ground rules and a constant open dialogue would be necessary but it sounds completely feasible.

Just putting this out there. This could just be me but...I couldn't live with someone I couldn't fart in front of.

I used to dream of this when ds was little

I looked online for other single mums, looked on forums but couldn’t find anything

I think it’s a great idea

If you currently live 90 minutes apart, what's going to happen with work? Will she commute? If so, will she need to pay for childcare when you don't? Or will you be responsible for collecting her DC and sorting homework and bedtime?

What happens with things like the food shop, cooking, housework? I know you say you'll outsource most of it but you can't outsource everything...

Do you both have the same approach to housework and cleanliness?

@A8mint

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

The obvious drawback is when one of you gets into a relationship, or do you both intend to spend the rest of your like celebate and loveless? what if Mr Right comes along?

And why the stupid name-Boston Maariage, when what you are talking about is a houseshare?

I am not talking about a houseshare here, I am talking about genuine companionship, friendship and support - and sharing the mental load and the financials as a family would.

No issue with having relationships, of course... and neither of us plans to stay celibate, we both have fwb type arrangements with someone (different people I hasten to add )

@Lottle

Just putting this out there. This could just be me but...I couldn't live with someone I couldn't fart in front of.

Ah that barrier has been taken long time ago

You might be good friends, and your children good friends too, but do you have the same ideas and approaches to parenting? Moving in together presumably means co-parenting so there would need to be the same approach in common. This would make a difference for me - approaches to little things like bedtimes, manners, doing homework, eating habits, etc.

@nimbuscloud

So her children will move schools? Will they go to your children’s school?

Only one child of all of them is of school age and it is one of mine. Yes, intended that they will go to the same school.

If they are moving in to your existing home, I would think about how to make them feel like it’s properly their home too and that they don’t feel like visitors (and that you don’t feel like a host). I’d worry it would feel unequal somehow otherwise.

It sounds very interesting

I think the children being so little will make it much easier, they'll grow up together and not know any different.

Although, it's worth thinking about how they'll then cope if/when the arrangement comes to an end.

@icedcoffees

If you currently live 90 minutes apart, what's going to happen with work? Will she commute? If so, will she need to pay for childcare when you don't? Or will you be responsible for collecting her DC and sorting homework and bedtime?

What happens with things like the food shop, cooking, housework? I know you say you'll outsource most of it but you can't outsource everything...

Do you both have the same approach to housework and cleanliness?

We both commute to the City, just from different corners of London (similar commute from both places). And both of our jobs are 80%-90% wfh now.

At the moment we think we'll get a nanny who will cover the childcare side.

I think it's a brilliant idea, and I wonder why more people don't do this. So many people are in silos, financially and practically overwhelmed by their lives. I think this would be such a great solution for so many people.
I would have a talk and figure out ground rules/ scenarios before anything happens.
Also go to a solicitor in case there are legal implications you haven't forseen. Also I would figure out what happens if the rental needs work, or if one of you loses your job.

Don't forget to talk about schools. It could be difficult for the children if you end up sending one family state and one family private.

Similarly, holidays -- do you plan to go on holiday together? It could be difficult if one family is going for a fortnight to Florida and the other is caravanning on the Norfolk broads.

Maybe trial it for something like the summer holidays so that no one has to move schools whilst you try.

You would need to brainstorm and map out every scenario you can think of. Home repairs? Big school trips? Takeaways every Friday night?

It does sound good though!

@Taswama

This does sound like an amazing idea. DP was away for a week this week and by day 3 I was so lonely dealing with the kids on my own and having no-one to chat with in the evenings. I have a new found respect for all single parents.

I agree ground rules and a constant open dialogue would be necessary but it sounds completely feasible.

Oh yes. Loneliness and isolation is a big, big factor in all of it. Especially after all lockdowns.

The most loving, supportive relationship in my life is my relationship with my best friend. I met her at university 30 years ago. She’s always the first person I call if I have a problem. We’ve each married annoying, ineffectual man-children and I often think that life would have been so different if we’d just been allowed to “marry” each other.

@abostonfiancee 😁😁😁

It sounds idyllic. The only possible issue i can see with living as in such a close supportive partnership is that you may find it very difficult to separate in future. And of course, you'll both be ruined for living with a man again for the rest of your lives!

Sounds as if it’s worth a try.

My only point is that when they are too old for nannies and you want an au pair (when there are some) , there might not be room.

I think it’s a great idea. You sound like you have an honest and open relationship and as long as you maintain this it could work really well. Me & my friend often say we’d rather live with each other, the kids & lots of cats!

My oldest friend and I (she’s on here - not on this thread that I’ve noticed ) have often talked about how much easier it would be at times raising our children with each other than our respective husbands….! It’s often in jest after hard days but honestly it sounds like you’ve really thought it through and I think we should normalise any situation that makes life kinder, easier and more fulfilling. Go for it!

I think you’d have to talk about a break up. It’ll hurt, but if you can co-parent, I often think a mini commune is the way to go.

I would like this, but I am older than you and I would not want to live with a man again. What do you really want? This, or another man? If the latter, think hard before doing anything tricky to reverse.

My friend and l are planning to do this when we retire so kids will be long gone and we can just look after each other and keep each other company .

Perhaps scenario plan backwards from 'exit events' and factor in what happens if someone wants to emigrate, move in with a romantic partner and so on.

In some respects, it can be worse to stop riding the property horse than to be just about managing.

Your DC might want a script to explain a non-traditional arrangement to friends.

Life assurance to make remaining in the home viable might be required.

Good luck.