"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

I think this sounds fantastic!

The only issue I see is if you’re used to living on your own could it might be a big change to have someone there all of the time.

However if you both work, DCs at school all day and you each have your own rooms then you’ll probably hardly ever see each other.

I think the legal / trust side is not an issue - we've been through managing significant funds under trust for each other before (we are from the same country originally and have powers of attorney registered in each others names - basically, the one who travels back next sorts out all the outstanding paperwork). I mean inheritances, property, taxes, elderly relatives care arrangements - things like that.

@JustLyra

Also a big one to consider is what happens if one of you loses your job?

Technically people who live in a house with another adult can claim benefits, but it would take some hoop jumping to show that you weren't a couple (and it would be complicated if you shared finances).

If it was you who lost your job would she cover your mortgage? If it was her she wouldn't be able to claim housing costs for your house and what would happen with her mortgage?

Yes, good point but thankfully we both are reasonably OK financially, so savings / income protection insurance should cushion the blow. But even if not - of course, I will pay for her costs, no questions asked.

You won't be able to risk losing your job - a claim for UC would result in them refusing to accept you aren't a couple.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

You won't be able to risk losing your job - a claim for UC would result in them refusing to accept you aren't a couple.

UC is benefits? I think neither of us is entitled anyway.

I can see loads of benefits to this BUT you would have to think very carefully about how this will affect the kids if they come see the other adult as a parent, and then one of you meets someone and you end the arrangement. It would essentially be putting them through a break up of their home/"family". It could also cause huge issues with them resenting a new partner if they see their other "parent" being replaced. Also how will the children feel if have to move put while the others stay. I think it could potentially be less damaging if you had a home where you both have your own space/some separation so there is a clearer divide between the two families, but you still get the benefits whenever needed.

My aunt and her friend did this for a while. They met in antenatal class so their sons were very close in age, by a few days. It worked well for a few years, but I don't think it was ever meant to be permanent.

This is the second time I’ve heard of a Boston Marriage but the first time it was considered euphemistic for a lesbian relationship!

Anyway - back on topic - I love the idea. I kind of love the idea of communal living and this just seems like a good compromise.

From PP lots think it’s a good idea (& a friend & I planned to do similar when our children left home) but as suggested I’d be cautious & give it a trial period before you commit to anything that takes time/money/effort to get out of.
Given that you plan to outsource the elements that tend to cause friction in a couple it could work, but I’d be concerned about the children if it went wrong after a few years.

I think it sounds amazing and sounds like you’ve thought it through and continue to do so.

How about an annual renewable “contract” (like four weddings and a funeral) and a bi-annual review. So that you have a point where you both affirmatively decide you each want to continue and if one or both does not, it’s less dramatic. And you each have a scheduled time to talk about what’s working well and what you’d like to change.

Is suggest it’s worth renting somewhere new together rather than one family move in with the other

Doing that will set up a guest / visitor dynamic which will be unhelpful to making it work.

If I were you I’d trial for one year with a break at 6 months in case it really doesn’t work.

And then consider longer term arrangements after.

It might be this works for a few years while the kids are young and then you both prefer to have your own places to move back to.

I love the idea and have often thought living more collectively - the old multiple generations together/ extended family together idea but with people I choose would be great during the years our children are young and it’s tough and honestly other women get it and can help and support each other in a way some men never will.

If you are going to do a trial for 6 mths don’t rent out the other home - the costs involved with setting up a tenancy are not worth it for just 6 mths and worst case scenario is the tenants won’t move out and it will take another year to evict them. Wait until you make the arrangement permanent

@Vispa

I can see loads of benefits to this BUT you would have to think very carefully about how this will affect the kids if they come see the other adult as a parent, and then one of you meets someone and you end the arrangement. It would essentially be putting them through a break up of their home/"family". It could also cause huge issues with them resenting a new partner if they see their other "parent" being replaced. Also how will the children feel if have to move put while the others stay. I think it could potentially be less damaging if you had a home where you both have your own space/some separation so there is a clearer divide between the two families, but you still get the benefits whenever needed.

I agree with this. Also think that you can't plan now for the whole of the rest of your children's childhoods. If only one of them is school age, the others are very little. However much you know for an absolute fact now that you'll never want to remarry/live with a man again, you can't actually know anything at all. Your relationships with your respective children's fathers can't be all that far in the past; nobody who has relatively recently emerged from a bad relationship can ever imagine entering into another relationship. But it can and does happen.

Given that neither of you has been a single parent for very long, I wouldn't make big decisions at this stage. Living together as a quasi-married non-sexual couple isn't that big a decision for either of you, and is relatively easy to unscramble if need be. But it's a huge decision for your children. If it were to go wrong for any reason, and they had become attached to your friend and her children, they would be bereft.

In a way, you'd be better moving next door to one another, or to a house which is in some way divided so that you could all have companionship when you wanted it, but would also symbolise (to the children) that you are still separate entities. It would also make things much more straightforward financially. If you were next door neighbours/in two halves of one house, you could quite easily share childcare in either one house or the other, which would save a lot of money.

I just wouldn't plunge into a 'marriage' even of this type quite so soon.

Do you have enough bedrooms that every person in the house can have their own? I do agree with the person who said you should each rent out your places and rent somewhere together. I would definitely agree to split all bills and a half and keep your money separate. You earn more and shouldn't have to subsidise her.

As a PP said, if only people put as much thought into moving into 'standard' hetero relationships/co-living arrangements!

This sort of arrangement is kind of in my/our long term future I think. DH's sister is single and intends to remain so, she is in many ways a third parent to our children and we have recently started discussing buying a house that would have enough room for DH and I, and SIL (plus of course the children, who would be adults by this time).

If DH died first in that scenario I could see quite happily continuing to live with SIL.

Why struggle alone, when you can pool resources and live more comfortably? Who decided that the hetero/nuclear family is the 'best/normal' type of family?

Is suggest it’s worth renting somewhere new together rather than one family move in with the other
That would be not very rational financially, as both of us are higher rate taxpayers (so any rent will be taxed at 40%).

Friends did this for a couple of years but soon met partners, so situation changed. Still good friends though!

@HollowTalk

Do you have enough bedrooms that every person in the house can have their own? I do agree with the person who said you should each rent out your places and rent somewhere together. I would definitely agree to split all bills and a half and keep your money separate. You earn more and shouldn't have to subsidise her.

Yes, all will have own rooms in that scenario.

@abostonfiancee

Is suggest it’s worth renting somewhere new together rather than one family move in with the other That would be not very rational financially, as both of us are higher rate taxpayers (so any rent will be taxed at 40%).

You’re going to have to find the balance between financially best and people best.

Will your friend and her children ever truly feel like your house is home? It’s quite likely it’ll always be your house rather than “our” house.

In share situations sometimes the financial cost is worth the other benefits

Given that neither of you has been a single parent for very long, I wouldn't make big decisions at this stage.
Well... I have been for five years, she for four. I think that's long enough, no?

In share situations sometimes the financial cost is worth the other benefits
Yes, that's a very fair point.

Reminds me of Kate and Allie

I know it was super long, but do have a look at the post I made earlier.

I did this when my girls were younger and all the big things we sat and worked out, but the little things made it a disaster.

Christmas presents and ketchup were the two things that caused the final rows - I'm not even kidding. As ridiculous as they sound they were the proverbial straws.

It's the small shit that's likely to cause rows and resentment.

Sounds great and I think if more single mums teamed up, everyone would benefit. Economies of scale and shared responsibility. Good luck!

I think you'll get on each other's wick pretty sharpish.
A weekend stay is nothing like being forced to share a house.
It'll start with the different parenting styles...oh we don't put carrots in our Bolognese. Oh coco pops ahhh I don't let mine eat that sugary shit. Next it'll be well I told mine she had to turn it off in 5 mins. Cue child saying thats not fair they are allowed have the tablet how come we aren't.
Can we have pizza? Yes, No. Oh wait they aren't allowed people pizza tonight sorry about that.
Next it'll be she forgot to record your tv show. Or hates what you want to watch.
So yeah, terrible idea!! Don't even think about it.