"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

[TractorAndHeadphones]

OP you're very sensible and seem to have thought about this so no harm in trying. You can always split if it doesn't work out.

You won't know if you don't try and I doubt that it's going to cause long-term emotiional damage to anybody involved. worse case you and your friend can't stand each other anymore :p

[JennyForeigner]

My mum's two best friends (both divorced, one a single mum) did this through a chunk of my childhood. It seemed an eminently sensible and very happy arrangement to me.

[Schooldilemma2345]

Omg- this is a bit OT but that just reminded me of my (very bigoted) MIL telling me she thought lesbians give women who live together, “completely innocently” (her exact words). a bad name! I was totally gobsmacked!!
Your plan sounds fabulous to me. Just make sure you get some ground rules in place, perhaps a contact if joint finances are involved and try to work out how you’re going to resolve issues that might arise ahead of time.

[Brennanlady1888]

My only reservation is if one of you does strike up a romantic relationship if the other would be jealous . It would upset your routine

[onaroll]

Love this idea.
Go for it.
Me & my two closest friends have discussed this too. We want to live our later years as ‘the golden girls’ ( but not in Florida).
They are both single, all our kids are now adults the only obstruction is my husband - I’m wondering which one of them is going to break the news to him, he’s going to be made redundant 😂

[wantanotherdog]

This sounds a brilliant idea - with the proviso that a trial period would be good. Holidays and sleepovers are one thing - living long term with someone else in a platonic relationship is quite another. Sadly, outsiders nowadays will wonder if this is a platonic relationship, so you need to discuss how you deal with this.
And to add that I had a lovely great aunt and uncle who were brother and sister - neither of whom were married - who lived together all their adult lives because it was financially sensible and they always got on well. It was a whole lot better than having separate homes and lonely lives!

[maybloss2]

SO many good suggestions about the parenting aspect…. I’ve been wistfully thinking of getting some mates to all club together to live together in our past mid age years.
Trouble is I don’t really like sharing kitchens and bathrooms!and one of my mates is very house proud and another really isnt! And of course our life circumstances re different so it gets very complicated.
Very good luck to you!

[cakewench]

I lived this as a child for several years. My mother and her best friend from high school moved in together when I was approximately 12-13 and her friend moved out several years later when she decided to get married (the friend was always keen to do this, the living arrangement was more necessity for her than for my mum, who mostly enjoyed the companionship/ someone always home etc). It was all very Kate and Allie.

I think the main thing you want here is space. (We were in the USA, lots of space in houses). It sounds as if you have that. If you do, and you also have similar attitudes towards cleaning/ having a cleaner, I think you're set. I'd love to do it, personally, if I found myself in the same situation.

[Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme]

I know someone who grew up in the arrangement with with two couples (one set her parents) and all the children in one big house. Must’ve worked out well as the parents are all still living there in the same house

[Shitonthebloodything]

I’ve always said this would be my dream set up!

Set boundaries and go for it! I’m jealous

[Vinomummyinlockdown]

Sounds amazing!!!! Sign me up too! DH can go live with a friend 🤣 Hope it all works out for you 🤞🏼👏

[Amiable]

I would do this in a heartbeat!

[HikingforScenery]

Sounds good. If all the necessary guidelines are in place, why not?

[Roxy69]

Good idea. I would do this with a friend, we get on really well although she has a son who lives with her and he's a shocker. Sad.
I would suggest you have a 'free day' each week that you don't share. It will give you both a bit of space and if it's agreed beforehand it won't seem out of normal later if you do find things are not as easy as you remember.

[godmum56]

This is not new. When i was first practicing in the NHS in the 70's, it was very common to meet pairs of ladies who were not gay but who had been widowed or never had a chance of marriage or one or both had lost fiances in WW2. Some had children, although they were of course grown up when I met their Mums. It wasn't my business of course to pry into how the finances were organised. As time went on and the male-female population balance righted itself there were less couples like this and of course the older ones died. In case anyone is wondering, we also did meet gay couples of both sexes. When we got to know them and visited them often, it wasn't difficult to get a feel for the difference....and I don't just mean cropped hair and Dic Martins!

[MackenCheese]

A friend and I talk like this often. We're both single mums and have school age kids. Both professional women, so very similar situation. I think there's still a part of her that's waiting for a knight in shining armour to come along... but I'm so done.

[ThorsLeftNut]

Is it bad that I’m jealous I don’t have a friend I could do this with? 😂.

(Removing the fact that I don’t have ANY friends!) 😂😂

[nerysw]

Don't have any useful advice, just wanted to say that it sounds great. You've come up with a great, well thought out plan and I hope it works really well.

[MdNdD]

In my experience, women are more likely to work together as a team and be supportive. I had a particularly unsupportive husband so my opinion may be skewed. But I think it’s a fabulous idea. Providing you are pretty equal - one is not particularly bossy or grumpy or subservient, or super lazy / super non stop. I have often day dreamed about having an arrangement like this, I would love to do the same, and would if the opportunity arose.

[Kate0902900908]

I think it sounds fantastic! Go for it, the house that is being rented out is still there if needs be so maybe start with a 6 month trial! X

[S0upertrooper]

Re FWB arrangement (different people i hasten to add) Now that would be VERY modern if it was the same one/ones 😅

I think if you can make this work it's a great idea. I had 2 single parent friends who lived very close to eachother and they and their kids were very close. The had a similar arrangement but in different houses.

Both were very practical, motivated and matter of fact women, sorted emotionally so no power games or BS. They used to jokingly refer to eachother as their wife but it was definately platonic. They got more support from eachother than their emotionally stunted EXHs ever gave. It worked well for them and they could easily have shared a house. I was a single parent at the time and often envied their set up but I'm very intolerant of people and need my own space.

Good luck, hope it works out. Good idea to rent the other house out, a good safety net.

[DreamTheMoors]

@abostonfiancee

I’ve never heard the term “Boston marriage,” but your situation sounds wonderful, perfect!
I’d jump at the chance.

I have a friend, her husband is dying. That’s the plain truth, no getting out of it, no hope, sadly. We’ve had the conversation about sharing a home, strictly friendship and cutting our expenses in half.
We’re in the States and the medical bills have almost bankrupted them. She’s going to have to deal with losing her beloved and having no money at the same time. The bills are in the $250,099+ after insurance pays. It’s all-consuming and overwhelming. I can’t imagine.

It would help us both, plus my friend needs a ton of support right now and in the future.

I wish you both the best of luck.

[Shirls22]

I think this is a great idea and if I had a friend I could live with I d probably do the same it would be lovely to spend time sharing life with a friend, didn’t know it had a name though x

[chaosmaker]

@Maskless
I would absolutely love to be in a Boston marriage with a woman. Shame there isn't a dating app for that!

Now there's a business idea!!

[HarrietsweetHarriet]

I've had conversations with friends about what we'd do if left widowed and there are several of us who fancy this idea. I would hate to end up elderly and living alone.

Go for it, OP, just get some sound legal advice and contracts drawn up so you both know where you stand.