"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

You'd have to get properly into the nitty-gritty of everything before committing to that (as should anyone living together).

You'd also have to remember that it's generally not the big things that cause problems. You can agree on the big things beforehand, but it's then finding the ketchup in the fridge every bloody time when you think it should be kept in the cupboard that causes the insidious drip-drip of irritation.

Not exactly the same parenting style, no

That's your first major one. Big things you can generally hash out, but what about the peripheries.
Curfews and boundaries for older children for example? You can't get on a bit and discover that one will let an 8yo go to the park with friends and thinks 15yo's should come and go as they please where as the other insists on supervised playdates until 12.

Do you have similar takes on extra curricular activities (and finances for them)? Will half the kids be out at clubs every night, but the others once a week?

Christmases and birthdays - do you have the same ethos on presents? You can't have half the kids waking up to three presents and the others fifty three. Do you have the same take on Santa/Father Christmas?

Will you become default babysitters for each other? If so do you have the same kind of social life or does one like constant nights out and the other will end up being resentful?

When will your children get individual time with their parent? Will they ever get the chance to veg on the sofa with their Mum without another random around (that's often an issue in blended families)? Will every day out be all of you or will they be separate?

Financial wise - how will you each protect your homes financially if you are pooling finances and considered to be contributing to the others home?
How will you deal with repairs on each of the houses?
What if the tenants don't pay or she has to go down the eviction road? Will that be her expense or a unit expense?

What will be the plan if the setting breaks down as she won't be able to kick her tenants out right away so how will she and her children be protected from becoming homeless if you fall out, or if you die?

Do you have similar takes on shopping? It could easily get fractious if one is Heinz and brands and the other is Smart Price.

Meals - do you have the same take on children clearing/not having to clear their plate? All round the table or eat off knees?

Sorry, that was long.

If you couldn't guess I did this when my girls were little and it was a fucking disaster!

Good luck OP. I think it sounds like a creative, happy plan. You write very well and you sound as if you have thought of the obvious pitfalls. SO - make a will, draw up agreements and enjoy the company and shared endeavour. My bff saw me through a hell of a tragic few years (for us both) and we never fell out though our lives began to unfold differently.

DH's step sister has been in an arrangement like this for nearly 40 years. They're amazing friends, spend all their time together but there's no physical relationship. Took me ages to work out that they weren't closeted lesbians, tbh.

They have encountered some curiosity at times but I've always envied their very relaxed lifestyle....... they've travelled the world, and been a huge support for one another.

I have friends who have exactly this set up. They did get married (once same sex marriage was legal) to formalise everything.

They are a committed couple in every way except sex.

They both have the occasional casual relationship/sex with men but never at home.

They love each other and their children. Why not?

Has worked now for years.

I think you mentioned up thread that you are both home owners and the plan is to move in your house and rent the other. Personally I think you should rent both the houses out and then rent out a third house to live in that way no one has the upper hand eg none of the kids can say this is my house etc. If you think about it, if you have to make room for someone its never quite like moving into a new house where everyone starts with nothing.

I think it sounds great - the only issue (which you have already responded to) would be the new partner/sex/relationship thing where if that happens then potentially the situation changes.

If you pool resources or go into it with a long term intention then meet someone then you end up, as at the end of/change in any relationship with a house sale & asset splitting which could be difficult for both but especially the still single person, also the kids (who presumably would have a more sibling type bond having lived together).

Lovely idea in the short term though!

@IGotAVaxAndILikedIt

I have friends who have exactly this set up. They did get married (once same sex marriage was legal) to formalise everything.

They are a committed couple in every way except sex.

They both have the occasional casual relationship/sex with men but never at home.

They love each other and their children. Why not?

Has worked now for years.

They actually got married ? Wow.

My friend and I are planning this after retirement!

Of course it's a brilliant idea. Don't overthink it. It'll be wonderful.

When I was a single mum I spent SO MUCH TIME thinking about how perfect it'd be if single mums lived together in huge happy houses with all the kids running around.

I never got to do that but I did have my cousin to live with me for a year and it was absolutely brilliant.

I'm married again now but honestly - it's so much easier and more fun sharing a house with another woman. You just get on with stuff, have more things in common, resolve issues quickly, and just enjoy talking to each other about similar things.

The only slight sticking point I could see in this particular scenario is that she'll be moving into YOUR house. Will that stop her feeling 100% at home? Will she always feel like your lodger? Will she ever feel free to decorate, cook, entertain, etc - or will it always intrinsically be you who has the final say?

I'd find that wearing, if I were her or you. But that's the ONLY snag/potential drawback I can possibly imagine.

The one thing that made me uncomfortable was you saying you would share income and expenses.

Expenses - yes. But income, I wouldn’t share.

I would just agree a list of items that are shared costs to be paid from one account and split that 50/50. Remaining income is your own, surely?

It sounds like a very good idea but my biggest worry would be around the children and how they get on in the future. It can change so much as children go through different stages and its hard to imagine whether this set up would make them all act much like siblings or whether it could be much more complex/problematic with adults feeling stronger support for their own children.

Certainly lots to be gained if it works but I fear it might be difficult to maintain long term unless you are lucky enough to have children who never fight or fall out.

Also a big one to consider is what happens if one of you loses your job?

Technically people who live in a house with another adult can claim benefits, but it would take some hoop jumping to show that you weren't a couple (and it would be complicated if you shared finances).

If it was you who lost your job would she cover your mortgage? If it was her she wouldn't be able to claim housing costs for your house and what would happen with her mortgage?

So you'll continue paying the mortgage. Your friend will have her mortgage paid by her renter - so will she pay rent to you?

I'm on the fence.

My DC and I did a variation on this, through necessity. It worked very well, though it was always clear that it was for a finite period. There were some points of irritation, and some fallings-out between the DC (we have 7 between us), but the main reason it worked was that we kept a degree of separation as well as being blended. We did lots together, but lots just with our own children. You also need money and a lot of indoor and outdoor space. I liked it because it was mad and noisy and slightly anarchic, which suited all of us - also included two grandparents, three cats, three dogs and a housekeeper. I'm not sure I would like it so much with just one other woman, even if she were a very good friend. I think I'd feel it as too intense, and a commune would suit me better (also think DC benefit from lots of adults around, telling them to behave, whereas one other adult in the house would be a bit like having a parent who isn't your parent).

I would also say that I wouldn't fancy doing it now that the DC are all teenagers.

Otherwise, I'd echo what PP say about making sure it's watertight legally, if you decide to do it.

I think the world would be a better place if more non- partners co-housed.

So if she moves into your place would she be your lodger? What happens to the rent she would get from letting out her place?
On paper it sounds nice.

@findgreatdealsfromyourflat

I'm on the fence.

My DC and I did a variation on this, through necessity. It worked very well, though it was always clear that it was for a finite period. There were some points of irritation, and some fallings-out between the DC (we have 7 between us), but the main reason it worked was that we kept a degree of separation as well as being blended. We did lots together, but lots just with our own children. You also need money and a lot of indoor and outdoor space. I liked it because it was mad and noisy and slightly anarchic, which suited all of us - also included two grandparents, three cats, three dogs and a housekeeper. I'm not sure I would like it so much with just one other woman, even if she were a very good friend. I think I'd feel it as too intense, and a commune would suit me better (also think DC benefit from lots of adults around, telling them to behave, whereas one other adult in the house would be a bit like having a parent who isn't your parent).

I would also say that I wouldn't fancy doing it now that the DC are all teenagers.

Otherwise, I'd echo what PP say about making sure it's watertight legally, if you decide to do it.

Yours sounds more like a multi-generational household (if the other woman was family). This used to be common where I come from and kids are used to growing up with multiple adults. I myself stayed with cousins (as my parents were out working) and all kids were all treated similarly ; my mother and grandmother/aunt clashed on a lot of parenting things though so it would have been chaos if we did live together full-time!

It sounds a brilliant idea. I'd love that set up.

@GeorgeTheFirst

I would like this, but I am older than you and I would not want to live with a man again. What do you really want? This, or another man? If the latter, think hard before doing anything tricky to reverse.

I am 100% sure I do not want to live with a man at least until my children leave the house, and quite possibly never.

My marriage, and my best friends marriage both broke up, just a few months apart.

We decided to pool our resources and she moved into my house. It made sense financially and also socially. We would both have been very lonely otherwise.

That was 12 years ago. We have gone through a lot together - and are still best mates. The two of us, plus her DD made a new family together.

Yesss I love this idea! PPs have raised good points about making sure you're both on the same page but it sounds like you have a great relationship established and it could be a great solution for both of your families.

I'm part of a large women-only online community and we constantly joke that we should buy an island and all live together like a commune, and I swear the idea gets more and more attractive by the day. DH is convinced it's a lesbian cult but it's just such an inclusive, supportive space and I have deep (platonic) love and admiration for so many women I've never met in person.

@imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere

Another obvious question that I'm sure you've thought about: Do both of you get on with the fathers of the other's children? If the fathers are co-parenting they will be showing up at your home so there needs to be a basic level of a good relationship.

Fathers on both sides are not really involved, so it is not a major issue.

@TractorAndHeadphones The other family were completely unrelated to me - just friends. But, yes, I think the multigenerational aspect was one reason it worked well. The grandparents (one of their sets of parents) were also temporary residents as they have just moved back from abroad and were house-hunting.

Another scenario to think about is what happens if one of you gets ill or disabled and needs a lot of day-to-day care, either temporarily or permanently.