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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"Boston marriage" - any experience?

314 replies

abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 20:52

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 22/11/2021 11:45

I had a friend who when she broke up with her husband, she moved to the top floor, her kids stay on the middle level where the kitchen was and her ex moved into the bottom floor. Could you do something like this? Each family has bedrooms separately to the other and maybe just share a kitchen/lounge?

SadWife2020 · 22/11/2021 12:23

Hi @abostonfiancee no experience but sounds so sensible I am wondering why people don’t do it? May I ask what country you and your friend are from (feel free not to answer of course) as I am just wondering if you are from someone with a more liberal outlook and that’s why this unusual but practical solution appeals and you are not bothered about being mistaken for a same sex couple (again very sensible but I think it would be an issue for many). I’m guessing maybe the Netherlands? Good luck with your plan!

FreyaonFire · 22/11/2021 13:24

Nancybotwinbloom : Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

Haha brilliant! Was just thinking the same Grin.

OP, sounds like a great idea! You've obviously thought it through and know each other well enough to know that you can live in peace together. Great way to dispel the loneliness and a fab plan for making some savings.

Of course they'll be teething problems - like in any other set up in the world. Being alone/with a man/living with elderly parents etc etc will all have its ups and downs. Not sure you should over-plan this - maybe just go with it? Would love to hear how it goes! This could be the way of the future for many women.....

Mirw · 22/11/2021 14:24

I have two lots of friends who live like this... Because they had hippy parents and are used to communal spaces. They love it.

Iheartbaby · 22/11/2021 17:52

This sounds absolute hell to me, I would rather be poor and live alone. I really could not think of anything worse. I could do it with family but not with a friend, it makes me shudder just thinking about it (I really do like my friends) but good god just absolutely no.

momtoboys · 22/11/2021 17:59

I think this sounds like a great idea!

gogohm · 22/11/2021 18:08

Sounds good to me, my friend and I said if we were both single older in life we will do this! (Actually both happy in relationships with dp's following divorce)

Cavementality · 22/11/2021 21:57

I think it's a brilliant idea. I also plan to do this at some point in the future! It's a perfect set up! Good luck.

userxx · 23/11/2021 21:25

@Iheartbaby

This sounds absolute hell to me, I would rather be poor and live alone. I really could not think of anything worse. I could do it with family but not with a friend, it makes me shudder just thinking about it (I really do like my friends) but good god just absolutely no.

I'm the other way around, not a chance in hell with family but could easily live with friends.

Anonymouseposter · 23/11/2021 21:56

I think the most likely stumbling block will be the co-parenting. You need to be sure that you are absolutely on the same page with parenting and that, if there are conflicts, you would be able to treat each other's children exactly the same as your own.

RobertClementHughes · 23/11/2021 22:06

Have had this sort of conversation with my close friends. We would like to buy a b&b or small hotel so we each had our own space, some communal space and a guest suite or two so that visiting children/ grandchildren/ other friends were catered for and we'd have to book it out in advance like an Airbnb 🤣

We'd have a small staff to look after the housekeeping and grounds. And maybe cooking.

I so hope it will happen!

Newmumatlast · 24/11/2021 08:20

@WayneBruce

I can imagine financially it would make alot on sense on a day to day basis.

Only complications I can think of is housing and wills when one of you dies eventually. You'd just need to make sure your kids are sorted in that respect. This is if you're planning on buying together.

This. If there were assets, protect them. Get legal advice. But otherwise I would totally do this in your position
nancybotwinbloom · 03/12/2021 09:09

Barb and star go to vista del mar reminded me of this thread last night.
It's a comedy with Kirsten wig in.

chaosmaker · 13/10/2025 05:30

@abostonfiancee
How did it all pan out? Are you happily living and co parenting together?

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