Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 20/11/2021 15:00

Does your mum usually help you out with childcare etc?

chonkybuoy · 20/11/2021 15:01

Can she not drive?

Why is she scared to get the train?

Northofsomewhere · 20/11/2021 15:03

YANBU under normal circumstances I think, if she was just wanting to go for a visit. However, if I was in your situation with a ill grandmother (assuming she's likely in the last year of her life) I'd try and accommodate as much as possible. Could you take her down on the agreement she gets the train back and so this once a month if you are able? I assume she's concerned about covid on the train and potentially getting it herself or worse passing it on to her mother? If so I can very much understand her concerns but at the same time I understand the time/effort/energy it would also cost you. Is there anyone else who could help drive her too?

I lost a grandparent close to me just as I reached adulthood so I'm aware I could be projecting but this would also be a good opportunity for you to see your grandmother and say some good-byes.

kierenthecommunity · 20/11/2021 15:04

Is grandma genuinely in her ‘last days’ as in she has a terminal illness and X weeks/months to live? If so, I think I’d rally round

If it’s a last days thing like my MIL and her gloomy family talk about, because the elderly person is just getting a bit frail, but actually has the potential to carry on another five years - I think I’d have to suggest a compromise

Coldtoday · 20/11/2021 15:04

How many times would you have to do it?

Fairyliz · 20/11/2021 15:06

Well if your grandma is 'in her last days' and your mum wants to stay for a few days surely it won't be that often?

Presumably you will drive there (one hour) have a drink/something to eat and a rest then drive back for an hour leaving your mum there?
Don't you want to spend some time with your gran if shes not got long left?
Sorry but I would try and do it if you can. To support your mum who helps with your children and see you gran..

GrandmasCat · 20/11/2021 15:07

Does she help you out with your kids? If so, this may be the time to return the favour.

Original poster
amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 15:09

No mum doesn't help me with the kids I'm
Always running around after her.

No mum can't drive and she says she is too nervous to use the train.

We normally come down once a month anyway but my auntie needs more help, so would be one week on one week off kind of thing.

OP posts:
BlueCupOrangeCup · 20/11/2021 15:10

It's only an hour there and hour back. I would do anything for my mum. So yes I would do it. She would do it for me.

Chloemol · 20/11/2021 15:11

Your aunt needs help, your mother wants to help

I think you should take her, she wants to stay for a few days. It’s an hour away in the car not a days journey

It will give you the chance to sound some time with your grandmother

Then go a few days later to pick her up

It’s family, family pulls together. How much help dies your mother give you?

Don’t be so selfish. You are pregnant, not ill

Original poster
amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 15:11

Yes I would drive down then drive back up then be back down again in a few days time to pick mum up.

OP posts:
Chely · 20/11/2021 15:12

If she is staying a few days I would do it but probably not in the last few weeks before due date if grandma hangs on that long.
If it was back and forth on a daily basis it would be a, no.

chonkybuoy · 20/11/2021 15:12

What is the problem with the train? Is she very elderly?

I would suggest that you offer to go on the train with her once so she knows what to do.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/11/2021 15:12

Could you maybe take your mum one day and pick her up a few days later? Being tired and pregnant is difficult for you, worrying about her mum dying is probably difficult for her. Is there some room for compromise?

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 20/11/2021 15:12

Hmmm. I would probably offer to do a set amount of times up to a certain stage of pregnancy and draw the line there.

If it is ‘last days’ then it is worth stepping up IMO.

Given covid I think the wariness of trains is understandable.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 20/11/2021 15:13

Its only an hour there and back, sure it cant be that difficult. Do you work?

Original poster
amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 15:14

I know I'm not ill but I still have two DC's and still work.

I will just have to suck it up for now then i suppose. I don't think grandma has long she is 96 but I guess you never know.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 20/11/2021 15:17

I think it largely depends how much you work. If you work ft then one round trip would take up nearly a quarter of a weekend which is significant.

If you're working PT it's more do-able.

Can you take the train with your mum one day to show her the ropes and help her realise she doesn't need to be nervous?

OinkPinkPonk · 20/11/2021 15:19

If a family member was in their last days I'd drive any family round that I needed to.

CaptainCabinets · 20/11/2021 15:20

@amibeingselfishorwhat

I know I'm not ill but I still have two DC's and still work.

I will just have to suck it up for now then i suppose. I don't think grandma has long she is 96 but I guess you never know.

You just don’t sound very nice. I’d give anything to have had a bit more time with my grandparents so would be seeing my grandma every chance I got in your shoes. Guess we’re all different.
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/11/2021 15:20

You are pregnant, not ill

It’s possible to be both.

I expect lots of women did less in their first pregnancies and more in their second/subsequent because there isn’t the same chance to rest if you’ve got children. Only the OP can know what she can suck up and what she can’t.

kierenthecommunity · 20/11/2021 15:21

What is the problem with the train? Is she very elderly

This is a good point too

If it’s a direct train from one big city/town to another, there’s a regular service, it is quicker than driving, and the onward journey to grandma’s is straightforward, then you’re being less U than if both points are in the arse end of nowhere with one train every three hours

Similarly if the women involved are getting along, so your mum is it her 70s going to see her mum in her 90s, you’re being more U than if your mum is still young in her mid 50s or something

If that makes sense 😂

HideousKinky · 20/11/2021 15:22

It will benefit you, and your mum in the long run, if you help her to get past whatever is making her nervous about taking the train

hopeishere · 20/11/2021 15:23

Could you do the train with her a few times so she got the hang of it? My mum was a very anxious person but managed to do a three hour train journey with one change on her own fairly regularly.

luckylavender · 20/11/2021 15:23

I think the DM should use the train unless there's a very good reason why she can't.