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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:
PlumManor · 20/11/2021 16:19

I would do it OP, it’s every other weekend and your poor auntie must be at the end of her tether, I’ve been there and it’s absolutely exhausting.

If you can make everyone’s life a little easier that would be great. Perhaps your mum should get the train one way.

user1471518295 · 20/11/2021 16:19

An HOUR is too far for you to drive each way? And your grandmother is dying? Is there an issue with your pregnancy which you have not mentioned? Just take her at a time that suits you, and make sure she helps out with your kids as some sort of payback if that makes you feel better about it.

user1471518295 · 20/11/2021 16:20

And if I had a frail relative, I would not be suggesting that the carer takes a train to go to live with her for a week. But that is just me.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/11/2021 16:21

Just how accessible are the trains? I don't just mean are they round the corner, I mean does she have to use steps to cross platforms, is it a big step up and down from the platform to the train, is there potentially having to manage this whilst not being 100% fit and agile?

I'd guess your mum is in her late 60s to early 70s. Many train stations and trains are still hostile and even dangerous to anybody who isn't able to do those things despite lipservice being paid to accessibility. And there's no point booking assistance because they just don't turn up. Even the so called level access places frequently have lifts and escalators out of action or only for one platform that you have to get through 5 flights of stairs through bustling crowds or walk literally a mile and up and down a bridge to get from one platform to the next.

I'm not lazy. But I've stood at the top of yet another flight of stairs and cried because it's taken 30 minutes to get there with a fucked hip, back and feet and people shoving past because I'm trying to get down the steps with a walking stick.

Greenrubber · 20/11/2021 16:25

I've not read previous posts

Could you not go on the train with her a few times so she can manage it on her own? Some people just need someone to go with them so they realise it's not actually scary

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 20/11/2021 16:25

@user1471518295

An HOUR is too far for you to drive each way? And your grandmother is dying? Is there an issue with your pregnancy which you have not mentioned? Just take her at a time that suits you, and make sure she helps out with your kids as some sort of payback if that makes you feel better about it.
Yes there is an issue with the pregnancy that the OP has actually mentioned…..
Esspee · 20/11/2021 16:26

I think the suggestion you drive her there and she gets the train back sounds like a good compromise. I would be concerned about her possibly catching covid on the train and passing it to your gran. It is a minor risk to your mum getting the train back. Assuming she is in reasonable health herself of course.

Cameleongirl · 20/11/2021 16:28

I agree with PP's that you need to come to some sort of compromise with your Mum. You simply can't be a taxi service every few days working with two children. Not to mention your pregnancy.

If she can stay for a week so you can do the drive at the weekend, that would be less stressful. Maybe she doesn't get on brilliantly with her sister, but she'll need to put up with that for your grandma's sake. This is a difficult time for everyone. Flowers

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 16:30

This. I can't believe you're even thinking about refusing to take her to see her own mother before she dies.

Oh, lay off the emotional blackmail, would you?

OP has hyper-emesis, small children and a full-time job. It's not like she's spending her week laying on the sofa being hand-fed grapes Hmm

You could argue that OP's mum can't be that bothered about seeing HER dying mother if she's refusing to catch the train...

Chocolatewheatos · 20/11/2021 16:30

Suck it up till your gran dies. Your mum will never forgive you if she feels she let her mum down.

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 16:32

@user1471518295

An HOUR is too far for you to drive each way? And your grandmother is dying? Is there an issue with your pregnancy which you have not mentioned? Just take her at a time that suits you, and make sure she helps out with your kids as some sort of payback if that makes you feel better about it.
OP has mentioned she has issues with her pregnancy, yes.

She's had hyper-emesis, works full-time and has two DC to look after. She's not an awful person for not wanting to spend four hours in the car at the weekend when her mum is perfectly capable of getting the train!

ancientgran · 20/11/2021 16:32

I think Birmingham is a horrible station to have to change at. Other than that I can't see the issue with the train, you can book assistance as well. We used to do that with my late MIL, we'd take her to the station and the guard would come and collect her and get her seated on the train and then help her off at the other end. Of course that also caused issues as she was always convinced they'd forget her.

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 16:33

@Chocolatewheatos

Suck it up till your gran dies. Your mum will never forgive you if she feels she let her mum down.
If she doesn't want to let her mum down, she can get the train!

Why should OP give up 4+ hours of her time (plus petrol money) when there's a perfectly sensible alternative?

Tal45 · 20/11/2021 16:35

I can't believe people are saying it's unreasonable of the OP to not want to do two, two hour round trips every other week on top of working, having two children and being pregnant - but are not saying it's unreasonable that her mother won't get the train.

Your mother is an adult, if she wants dropping and picking up at particular times that suit her then she needs to take the train, she needs to stop taking advantage of you because it's easier and cheaper for you to run her around and start behaving like she's an adult. How has she managed for 60 odd years if doesn't drive and can't catch a train? Assuming she's not ill it's time to grow up I think.

Leeds2 · 20/11/2021 16:35

Would you be able to take her, then she gets the train back by herself? Or do you have a partner, or friend, who could help do some of the driving?
What will your mum do if you refuse to help?

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 20/11/2021 16:36

I agree with PP that taking the train with your mum would be a good compromise. You give her support with her journey, see your gran, and it's less tiring than driving.

PuertoPollensa · 20/11/2021 16:37

I think there are two kinds of people - those whose mothers are helpful, kind and understanding. And those whose mothers just take.
Seems to me OP's mother is a taker.

OP is working, pregnant (with hyperemesis), has children.

Her mum just doesn't like the train for whatever unspecified reason.

Those with mothers who are helpful think "oh I would drive my mother to the end of the Earth, even if I was in labour I love her so much". The other group think "hang on, OP has a lot going on. Could her mother not just get the train like every other bloody person. It's not that hard. Buy your ticket. Get on the train. Get off at the stop you want to go to. Let the OP use her weekends to recover from work and to sit down and have a relax."

OP if I were you I would not be giving a lift. I would, as PP have suggested, get the train with your mum ONCE and let her act like an adult and get the train by herself from then on. Take care of yourself.

If you are going to see your grandma at a time that suits you I would offer DM a lift one way.

All this talk of OP being so selfish. She's not a taxi driver. She is a person with her own issues to deal with. Not DMs servant

IncyWinceySpiderWillies · 20/11/2021 16:37

@Chocolatewheatos

Suck it up till your gran dies. Your mum will never forgive you if she feels she let her mum down.
But OPs mum is willing to not visit OPs grandmother if she can’t get a lift. She clearly isn’t that fussed about seeing her.
woodhill · 20/11/2021 16:37

I think it is a bit much of her tbh especially under your circumstances

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 20/11/2021 16:40

Oh ffs diagnosing someone with autism because they don’t want to go on the train. Hmm

Lunde · 20/11/2021 16:43

I feel for you as it is horrible with pregnancy, hyperemesis, other kids and work thento be expected to drive a 2 hour round trip every few days. I couldn't drive after 5½ months

Has she costed what a taxi or minicab would cost?

What is it about going on the train? Would it work if you took her to the station and saw her onto the train and she got a taxi the other end?

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 16:45

@amibeingselfishorwhat

No mum doesn't help me with the kids I'm Always running around after her.

No mum can't drive and she says she is too nervous to use the train.

We normally come down once a month anyway but my auntie needs more help, so would be one week on one week off kind of thing.

Based on this, tell her use the train.
rainbowandglitter · 20/11/2021 16:45

I think your mum should attempt the train. How does she normally get around places? Does she expect everyone to drive her everywhere?

TatianaBis · 20/11/2021 16:47

If your grandmother is 96 - your mum must be what 76? Max 78.

My parents were driving back and forwards to Italy at that age.

My mum is 84 she can get trains anywhere.

At 96 unless your grandmother is actually seriously ill she may last some time yet.

As it is to be a regular thing I think you need to encourage her to get the train. But you can be on hand for a lift part of the time.

Friendofdennis · 20/11/2021 16:48

Sadly family don’t always pull together as someone has suggested

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