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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:

JunoMcDuff · 20/11/2021 15:59

I'd do it.

Do you not want to see your grandma?

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 20/11/2021 15:59

@Platax

A two hour drive every so often doesn't seem too terrible to me. It's not that tiring sitting in a car, after all.

As someone who is very affected by tiredness, I’d disagree. Driving IS tiring. 2 hours can be too much for some people, especially if you are unwell (see the hypermeresis), it’s the end of the day/week etc…

The fact it doesn’t sound terrible to YOU has no bearing in how it feels to the OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/11/2021 16:00

I think if your mum wants to help her own mother then if she is fit and well then she should not be roping other people into it, particularly people who work, have children and who are pregnant. It's fine to ask for you to take her in exceptional circumstances, such as if she had a lot to of items to take with her or bring back on one particular visit, or if she'd had a recent operation herself or something, or if your grandma was at the end stage of her life and she may be upset and need the support. But I don't think she should be getting into the habit of relying on you at this stage in her life, it's not fair on you.

Presumably at some point you will be doing the same for your own mother, so if you start helping to that extent now, there could be YEARS of expectation of help from your mother ahead of you. It could put a strain on your relationship for sure, eventually.

On the other hand, if the main reason she left where your grandma lives was to help you out with your children a lot, and you were happy to take the help, in the knowledge that grandma would eventually need her more, then I think it's a bit off to try and not to compromise for a while, if it really IS the end of your grandma's life and it will be only for a minimal amount of time.

Maybe put it to her that you're not prepared to be making the journey either by car or by train when you get to a certain point in your pregnancy but you'll happily go with her on the train a couple of times so she can get used to going without you once you're not able to go?

Geriatric1234 · 20/11/2021 16:00

It does depend how regular this would be, but you should as much as you can. Your poor mum knows her mum is dying. It must be so upsetting for her. I think you should do everything you can to help, for you as much as for her.

Also the suggestions of doing the train journey with her a few times is a good idea. I know you’re knackered, but this is probably really hard for her and it would be best for everyone to look back and know you supported your mum as best you possibly could. X

Original poster

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 16:00

She doesn't want to spend a whole week as she said her sister gets angered easy and was nasty to her last time when I left her here. So she only wants to stay a few days.

OP posts:

DeadoftheMoon · 20/11/2021 16:00

If you're smart about it, you could work in an hour by yourself, shopping, coffee, sitting reading your phone - this could become the highlight of your week.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2021 16:02

@Platax

A two hour drive every so often doesn't seem too terrible to me. It's not that tiring sitting in a car, after all.

I am too unwell to drive that far. It sounds as though op is as well as she is baulking at the thought.

BungleandGeorge · 20/11/2021 16:02

I suspect OP might feel like this because her Mum is taking advantage on a regular basis! As an isolated thing it’s not a lot I agree.

QueenofKattegat · 20/11/2021 16:03

@BlueCupOrangeCup

It's only an hour there and hour back. I would do anything for my mum. So yes I would do it. She would do it for me.

This. I can't believe you're even thinking about refusing to take her to see her own mother before she dies.

Mulhollandmagoo · 20/11/2021 16:04

I would get the train with her so she knows what to do, then maybe offer to drop her off and she gets the train home?

Honestly, you have 2 children, you're 6mo pregnant and you have a job, it sounds like you have a lot going on! So definitely obky do what you're able but if you can help out a little here and there and then just explain to, your mum what you can do and she'll figure out the rest. Do you have any siblings that can help?

EdgeOfTheSky · 20/11/2021 16:04

A round trip of 4 hours more than twice a week is a LOT if you are working, have children, are pregnant and have had hyperemesis! How on earth do you fit it in?

And judging by 3 of my relatives, unless there is something particularly wrong with your grandmother at the moment, this could go on for 4 years.

Your auntie and mum need to contact Adult Services and see what extra help can be put in place. If your grandmother is unable to wash / dress / cook for herself she may be eligible for a visiting carer. The Age UK website has excellent info pages.

I think it may be worth going with your Mum on the train and showing her how to use it. This journey will not be possible when you are post-partum, for example, and not fair to have a tiny baby in a car seat for 4 hours twice a week. It's ridiculous for your Mum to refuse to use the train unless she has any particular vulnerabilities.

Newgirls · 20/11/2021 16:04

Would you enjoy spending time with her in the car?

It sounds like she is asking too much of you and in a month or so you prob won’t want to drive that much as will be feeling very tired.

Pregnant and with kids? If you were my daughter I wouldn’t ask. That would motivate me to get the train. Easy to choose a quiet time on the train.

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2021 16:05

@amibeingselfishorwhat

I know I'm not ill but I still have two DC's and still work.

I will just have to suck it up for now then i suppose. I don't think grandma has long she is 96 but I guess you never know.

Can your husband help? Can anyone else?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/11/2021 16:09

@amibeingselfishorwhat

She doesn't want to spend a whole week as she said her sister gets angered easy and was nasty to her last time when I left her here. So she only wants to stay a few days.

None of this is your problem. It's for your mum and her sister to deal with. I would be telling her that she'd have to sort things out with her sister as you're not able to pick her up again after such a short time gap, it's too tiring for you. It makes me wonder why it is that your auntie gets to wound up actually. Perhaps your mother is putting on her too.

CharlotteRose90 · 20/11/2021 16:09

Sorry but you are selfish. I’d do anything to help my mum and would have done anything for my nana. It’s once a week not once a day. My mum would be too scared to take a train as she’s elderly and less mobile I’d take her In a heartbeat.

HeddaGarbled · 20/11/2021 16:10

I’d happily drive a two hour round trip at the weekend, but not after a full working day, especially this time of year, when it will be dark. I’d compromise here: yes, I’ll drive you but only on days I can manage.

tallduckandhandsome · 20/11/2021 16:10

@BurbageBrook

Maybe your mum doesn’t want to be weeping on the train on the way back from visiting her dying mother and could do with a little emotional support. You do sound quite breathtakingly selfish.

She’s got hyperemesis FFS! You sound breathtakingly oblivious.

greenpolkadot55 · 20/11/2021 16:14

If shes frightened of the train why doesnt she get the bus?

sunshinesupermum · 20/11/2021 16:14

She can't be that old if she still has her mother alive. How old is she?

If Grandma is 96 then odds are that Mum is in her 70s! Some 70 somethings are 'old' while others are not. She may be nervous about catching Covid on public transport besides anything else.

knitnerd90 · 20/11/2021 16:15

@BurbageBrook

Maybe your mum doesn’t want to be weeping on the train on the way back from visiting her dying mother and could do with a little emotional support. You do sound quite breathtakingly selfish.

She's got 2 small children, works, is 6 months pregnant and is just over hyperemesis. I really don't think she's selfish at all.

Her mum, meanwhile, won't take a train and wants OP to be a taxi service. Reading between the lines it sounds like OP is being asked to do things for her mum quite often.

OP, try to come to some sort of compromise. I'd say it would be selfish to never drive her, but it's unreasonable for her to expect you to shuttle her back and forth so frequently.

supremelybaffled · 20/11/2021 16:15

@amibeingselfishorwhat

She doesn't want to spend a whole week as she said her sister gets angered easy and was nasty to her last time when I left her here. So she only wants to stay a few days.

If your aunt isn't normally angry towards your mum, then it could be that she's at the end of her tether, and needs more support. Caring for someone full-time 24/7 is both physically and mentally shattering. I can't help wondering whether social services need to get involved and sort out some professional carers so your aunt can get a break.

Meanwhile, your mum needs to go and see her mother. Do you have a DP or DH who would be able to take her?

Steelesauce · 20/11/2021 16:16

I would do it. Those last few weeks of someone's life are precious. I deal with dying people daily though so to me, family during that time is so important. Your mum is losing her Mum and it might not be a convenient time for you, but its time to support her. I didn't have a car when I lost my Dad and people were taking the time out to take me to see him every few days. I've never forgotten how much I appreciate those people.

Comtesse · 20/11/2021 16:16

Could your partner/ husband drive her there?

RudestLittleMadam · 20/11/2021 16:18

I would help out if I was in a position to in these circumstances. One of my biggest regrets was not being with my gran in her last days as I simply wasn’t able to.

I agree with you that your mum needs to get the hang of using the train as she can’t drive but that for me would be a battle for another day as your aunt needs help now and your mum needs to be there for her own sake as well as anything.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 16:18

I find unnecessary helplessness really irritating so sort of get it OP - why can't she get the train? My dad's similar (late 70s) and I would do anything for him but it does annoy me that he's so anti train.

I think YABU. Take her and spend more time with your gran while you can.

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