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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 20/11/2021 15:23

I think the train support is a good idea. Get her used to it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/11/2021 15:24

I’d consider taking the train down with mum the first few times until she is no longer nervous about it and can do it on her own. It will be easier/less effort than driving. Just relax and read a book, leave the DC with your husband/partner.

Original poster
amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 15:25

It's not that I'm not nice I'm just exhausted I really am. I'm only really getting over my hypermesis now.

Mum would get the train round the corner from hers and then change at Birmingham then direct train from birmingham. It's over an hours journey but it's easy really.
I will have to go with her one of the days.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 20/11/2021 15:28

If you didn't normally feel that you were running round after her, you would probably be ok with the driving. Are you ready to start figuring out how to do only as much helping your mum as you want to? Things will be more difficult once you have 2 DCs so it might be a good time to think about saying nothing to her

2pinkginsplease · 20/11/2021 15:30

I would take my mum however I would also go with her on the train to show her how easy it is to do, especially If it’s to become a regular thing.

Thethreecs · 20/11/2021 15:35

If it were my mum I'd drive her, no matter what her age was. My mum is gone now and I regret not doing more, even though I did lots.

A580Hojas · 20/11/2021 15:39

Yanbu. You shouldn't have to drop everything to ferry your mother around because she is nervous about using the train. She can't be that old if she still has her mother alive. How old is she?

Funnylittlefloozie · 20/11/2021 15:39

Is your granny literally on her deathbed? If so, I would drive mum. An hour each way isn't awful.

tallduckandhandsome · 20/11/2021 15:40

She’s not nervous taking the train, she’s lazy.

Stop runign around after her and tell her to get the train.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2021 15:40

I think going with your mum on the train the first time to help her the first time is a good idea. It sounds as though she moved closer to you to care for her when she doesn’t actually need care right now. She needs to learn to be independent otherwise you’ll have a young child or two and be run ragged looking after her.

WellHereWeGoAgain · 20/11/2021 15:47

Would you not be dropping her off, then leaving her there for a few days and then picking her up? Or do you mean going back and forth each day?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 20/11/2021 15:48

Is she scared because of covid or just "taking a train" scares her?

I would not be driving her as it sounds like the thin end of the "demand" stick.

Family relationships arent transactional but there should be some reciprocality.

rookiemere · 20/11/2021 15:50

If it's a question of driving her there one day and then picking her up say a week later, then I think you should do it, but of it's there and back in the same day or weekend, then no.

incandescentglow · 20/11/2021 15:51

@MaggieFS

I think it largely depends how much you work. If you work ft then one round trip would take up nearly a quarter of a weekend which is significant.

If you're working PT it's more do-able.

Can you take the train with your mum one day to show her the ropes and help her realise she doesn't need to be nervous?

in what world is 2 hours a "quarter of a weekend"
ColinTheKoala · 20/11/2021 15:52

@rookiemere

If it's a question of driving her there one day and then picking her up say a week later, then I think you should do it, but of it's there and back in the same day or weekend, then no.
Yes I would agree with this.

My aunt was one of the people who was too anxious to get a train so everyone used to have to run around after her. I got on well with her, but I got annoyed when people had to put themselves out to drive her to places she could have easily got the train to.

BungleandGeorge · 20/11/2021 15:52

So it’s dropping her off twice a month and picking her up twice a month. One of those you’d do anyway. So 3x 2 hour journeys. At least if she’s down there the whole week you won’t be running round after her doing anything else. I would do this, as much for your aunt and Gran as your mum. If she’s asking you to do lots of other non essential running round when she’s at home id definitely review that though. It depends what she expects you to do

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 20/11/2021 15:53

Tbh, I dont think there is a set answer.

My own reaction would be to step up and help BUT I’m also he type who would go way above and would be putting my needs last. Always. And this isn’t healthy at all.

The best would be to have a chat with your mum and to NOT agree that you will take her down every week there.
I’d leave some leeway so you can get out of it if you are not feeling well yourself.
I’d also ask to organise stuff in such a way that YOU can actually spend time with your gran too.
And your mum still needs to learn to take the train so you can maybe have an arrangement where she goes in her own and you pick her up etc…

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/11/2021 15:53

@tallduckandhandsome

She’s not nervous taking the train, she’s lazy.

Stop runign around after her and tell her to get the train.

You don’t know this. OPs mum could have social anxiety, or prone to getting lost, or have undiagnosed autism that has her shut down in busy places like train stations or PTSD from an incident that happened on a train to her in the past. There are dozens of reasons why people can be genuinely nervous about taking a train alone.
RuggerHug · 20/11/2021 15:53

She's 96. I think you should at least try.

BurbageBrook · 20/11/2021 15:55

Maybe your mum doesn’t want to be weeping on the train on the way back from visiting her dying mother and could do with a little emotional support. You do sound quite breathtakingly selfish.

Platax · 20/11/2021 15:56

A two hour drive every so often doesn't seem too terrible to me. It's not that tiring sitting in a car, after all.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/11/2021 15:56

I’d take her but tell her she’ll have to stay longer than a couple of days to fit in with your schedule to bring her back.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 20/11/2021 15:56

Btw it sounds like you need to work on your boundaries too anyway.

Think about what you can actually do. Not what you ought to do because that’s what you’re supposed to do as a good daughter, aka acting as a martyr.

So what is manageable easily, what is manageable at a push?
Can you get support from your DH with the dcs?
How long are you happy to do that for?
Establish what is ok or not and stick to it. For taking your mum to see her own mum as well as the general day to day stuff. The fact your mum has moved close to you does NOT mean that you are to run around her.

Teacupsandtoast · 20/11/2021 15:56

Drive, drop and collect her in however many days. See your gran while you're at it. Lots of people commute for far longer times than an hours drive, you'll manage. Use it as some child free time. Get mum to help cover petrol

LowlandLucky · 20/11/2021 15:58

Do you not want to see your Gran ?