Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

65 really is no age at all to be so reliant on you. Many (indeed most) people of that age are working, driving and travelling independently. If I were you I’d break the cycle of dependency otherwise this will only get worse.

I think you should offer an occasional lift down there for your DM and you can pop in and see your grandmother. She can then get the train back!

If you don’t drive I don’t think you get to be too scared to take public transport as well. Otherwise you have set yourself up for a lifetime of relying on others to ferry you about. If it’s literally last days then I would but as an ongoing thing I absolutely wouldn’t do this when the train is available as a perfectly valid alternative to the car.

Is it a few days or a week at a time? You've said both?

I read it as, drive her there and back for a few days one week, skip the next week, take her for another few days the next week, and so on.

i would do one of the journeys, is there no one else to help?

Don't listen to the rude posters calling you selfish. It's them that's coming across as horrible people, not you.

Yep. Too many MN users are fucking nuts.

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

This is ridiculous. She needs to get the train a majority of times.

It's mean not to help her. Her mum is dying.

I'd take her, for both hers, grandmas and aunties benefit.

@kierenthecommunity

Is grandma genuinely in her ‘last days’ as in she has a terminal illness and X weeks/months to live? If so, I think I’d rally round

If it’s a last days thing like my MIL and her gloomy family talk about, because the elderly person is just getting a bit frail, but actually has the potential to carry on another five years - I think I’d have to suggest a compromise

This entirely.

If she's truly dying then I would just suck it up, if your mum just doesn't want to drive to visit her ailing mother then really she needs to use the train.

I'd say you have a flat if she persists.

OP: is your grandmother actually dying, or just very old?

There is a big difference.

Is your Mum visiting because your aunt needs practical help, or because of the emotional need to see her mum who is actually in the process of dying?

There is some shocking guilt tripping going on on this thread for a working mother with a difficult pregnancy.

A return trip at the weekend is one thing. ‘A few days later’ is midweek. Getting in from work, potential childcare issues, setting off for a two hour return trip (possibly more depending on end of day traffic) plus time when you arrive makes a long day for a pregnant working mum.

Of course if her grandmother was touch and go and unlikely to last the week the OP would do all she could to help!

Sounds like time for Professional care help.

Honestly given that she’s become more and more reliant on you for her transport needs since she moved closer, it might be time to start becoming firmer with her. 65 is no age- you could be running her round for the next twenty five years!

The current situation with her own mum isn’t the time to draw a line under any lifts, but a pp’s suggestion that you drive her there and she gets the train home is a good one.

OP, look into National Express coaches. My MIL is a nervous traveller but she gets around fantastically by herself on the coach.

Can you take her on the train to Birmingham and put her on the train yourself for a first journey?

My mum is 10 years older than yours and visits me on the train, with one change. Although the station is a bit smaller than Birmingham. She is realistic about how long she needs to get between platforms and allows herself plenty of time.

@RobinPenguins

If you don’t drive I don’t think you get to be too scared to take public transport as well. Otherwise you have set yourself up for a lifetime of relying on others to ferry you about. If it’s literally last days then I would but as an ongoing thing I absolutely wouldn’t do this when the train is available as a perfectly valid alternative to the car.

Lifetime or pandemics worth though? Is she scared of the big scary train or it being over packed and full or people without masks on?

If your aunt has children could one of them come 30 mins and therefore you meet halfway?

Having to change at Birmingham New St is a bit daunting, but it's much better than it used to be. And anyway she's 65, not 95. And she can book help if she needs it.

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

Almost 64 year old here. Unless Mum has some physical disabilities she should get the train and stop expecting you to run around after her.

What the heck? Put her on the train and offer to pick her up at the station when she comes back.

You are 6 months pregnant with 2 kids - time for her to get real! Ridiculous she's "scared" to get the train.

Manipulative.

@EdgeOfTheSky except its actually 4 hours (split 2x2hrs) once a fortnight, that's really quire different to your imagined scenario of twice a week

@Cameleongirl

Based on your latest update, it really is your Mum's personal preference then - she simply doesn't want to take the train.

Having anxiety isn't a personal preference.

@EdgeOfTheSky

OP: is your grandmother actually dying, or just very old?

There is a big difference.

Is your Mum visiting because your aunt needs practical help, or because of the emotional need to see her mum who is actually in the process of dying?

There is some shocking guilt tripping going on on this thread for a working mother with a difficult pregnancy.

A return trip at the weekend is one thing. ‘A few days later’ is midweek. Getting in from work, potential childcare issues, setting off for a two hour return trip (possibly more depending on end of day traffic) plus time when you arrive makes a long day for a pregnant working mum.

Of course if her grandmother was touch and go and unlikely to last the week the OP would do all she could to help!

Sounds like time for Professional care help.

Shocking guilt tripping indeed.

And what is the OP supposed to do if it is a mid-week pick up? Go after work- as you say- who is doing her childcare/dinner/bed for her young kids then it are they meant to come with?

The OPs mother absolutely needs to bend a bit. Driven there and she makes her way back on the train or if she needs collecting it is at a time convenient for the OP.

She is 65 and fit, not 85.

Oh dear OP. Why did she think that with 2DC, another on the way and working that you’d be available to ferry her around regularly?!

Having anxiety isn't a personal preference .
Choosing to do nothing about it and relying on a sick, pregnant daughter is. If anxiety affects your own life and the life of others, then... Time to get professional help

What is it about mums and trains?! Mine doesn't 'do' trains either, and although she's getting on now its not an age thing, she's always regarded them with horror for some reason. Same with taxis, I don't think she's ever got one on her own - it was suggested last Christmas because she wanted to go home early evening and everyone wanted a drink and not to have to drive and you'd have thought we were suggesting Murder Cabs Inc. "Me - in a taxi with a strange man driving? No way, he could be ANYONE'

65?? That’s not even a pensioner age. I’m 65 and wouldn’t be expecting any of my 6 month pregnant female family to be ferrying me around. Unless she is disabled she could travel an hour by herself. My former mother in law and my own mother used to do this helpless me palaver.
I don’t think you are being selfish at all, only go when you want to go and see your grandma.