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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 21/11/2021 22:36

I didn’t read all the replies but my grandma is getting on a bit now and I’m trying to see her much as possible now as I would feel terrible if I didn’t.

MrsBobDylan · 21/11/2021 22:48

Op, you really don't need to accompany your Mum on a train to 'show her how it's done'.

If she genuinely has anxiety then she needs to work out a way around it. Like the rest of us do.

I think op's Mum moved away because her own Mum was needing more and more care. She left her sister to do it all and now fancies swanning in and out every other week, arriving in her very own chauffeur driven car.

I think you will regret it if you do get drawn into a driving four hours a week. You Mum sounds bloody selfish.

Original poster
amibeingselfishorwhat · 21/11/2021 23:12

I didn't realise this was still going off,

Can I just add I have tons of other issues with my mum she is ungrateful. She asked me to find her a flat nearer to me. I looked for weeks and weeks left work early viewing different flats. I finally found one for her and me and OH done it up nice lovely carpets and repainted all the walls. It was the flat she chose she wanted it. OH drove down to pick her up to view it and she wanted that flat.

She now slags the flat off and says it dark and she hated it from the day she moved in. But she will happily go everywhere with us and be driven round. It's just a slap in the face in all honesty and I feel like I have had enough.

I know this is a separate issue but I just feel like I don't have the energy to keep running around after her it's making me miserable.

I thought she would move up here and want to see the kids more and help out throughout the week. We won't see her all week then Saturday she will want to come out with us.

I haven't spoken to her today as I just need a break but I am going to mention getting the train as I can't keep doing this.

OP posts:
tillytown · 21/11/2021 23:24

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would drive her down there and refuse to pick her up. Her sister needs help and her mum wants her there, she is being very selfish, and she (not you) needs to step up.

supperlover · 22/11/2021 00:08

I'm in my seventies and happily travel by public transport, my much younger neighbour is ' nervous ' about travelling alone which I think is crazy. How about you take her to the train,show her how to buy her ticket and give her instructions for return journey. It's totally unreasonable of her to expect you to drive her- and not environmentally friendly! She can get a senior railcard which will reduce cost too.

leatherboundbooks · 22/11/2021 00:33

If grandma is in her final months rather than days it would be a kindness to mum to go with her on the train as it would not be good to be driving close to your due date, if the baby comes early or you have a Cs that will be further time you can't drive

NoPaintedPony · 22/11/2021 01:37

Are u sure we don’t have the same mum? Mine emotionally blackmailed me for years into pandering to her. Including a 2 hour round trip the day my son was due (yes she had other options).
Please don’t waste ur time like I did.
Put ur health, ur relationship with ur OH & kids first. People like ur mum will never change

PrincessNutella · 22/11/2021 02:00

If your mother is 65 you definitely do not have to drive her. Don't give in to her anxieties.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/11/2021 05:12

@amibeingselfishorwhat

I didn't realise this was still going off,

Can I just add I have tons of other issues with my mum she is ungrateful. She asked me to find her a flat nearer to me. I looked for weeks and weeks left work early viewing different flats. I finally found one for her and me and OH done it up nice lovely carpets and repainted all the walls. It was the flat she chose she wanted it. OH drove down to pick her up to view it and she wanted that flat.

She now slags the flat off and says it dark and she hated it from the day she moved in. But she will happily go everywhere with us and be driven round. It's just a slap in the face in all honesty and I feel like I have had enough.

I know this is a separate issue but I just feel like I don't have the energy to keep running around after her it's making me miserable.

I thought she would move up here and want to see the kids more and help out throughout the week. We won't see her all week then Saturday she will want to come out with us.

I haven't spoken to her today as I just need a break but I am going to mention getting the train as I can't keep doing this.

And there we go. A bunch of women bullying a pregnant woman about her lazy, vampire mother.

As for trains, I wouldn’t mention it. I’d organise it. Could I suggest asking your dh to go with her this weekend and to take your children? It will be an exciting day out for them. I would imagine your mother is far less likely to kick off when faced with a non family member. Your dh can also read her the riot act about not imposing on you any longer.

Boundaries. And if you can’t impose those, get therapy.

ChubbyMorticia · 22/11/2021 07:13

@amibeingselfishorwhat you sound completely exhausted. You need to take care of you.

I am sorry that your Gran is coming to the end of her life, but your mother needs to step up and be an adult, instead of demanding you run around after her. With her complaints about the flat, etc, I heavily suspect your mother is wanting to move in with you and have you cater to her full time.

You cannot be all things to all people at all times. The exhaustion and stress you're under now isn't good for you or your coming LO. That needs to be your priority.

Justcashnosweets · 22/11/2021 08:19

@Mummyoflittledragon I absolutely agree.

anothereee · 22/11/2021 08:29

I’ve read your update OP. You need to look after you. She sounds like she just likes to be enabled! I’d treat her as one of the children. No nonsense and upbeat. She’s an adult and can get the train!

billy1966 · 22/11/2021 08:51

OP,

She is stressing you out when you don't need it.

She is ungrateful and a PITA.

Give yourself a break.

Do not allow her to dominate your weekends, which is family time.

Stand up for yourself.

Tell her move away if she doesn't like the flat.

Stop engaging with her complaints.
Flowers

Barney60 · 22/11/2021 08:57

Yes i do feel you or your husband could help, is it possible your husband could drive your mum there if you feel your not up to it, or you drop off husband fetch her back?

I understand your mums concern over using a train, im not the most confident traveller, last time i took a train to Birmingham on my return early evening it was dark, my return train (the last one for the evening) was cancelled i sat on the platform waiting no one told me, no staff around, eventually after an hour i found a member of staff they said a bus had been used. i ended up getting a taxi which cost me a fortune.

Lalliella · 22/11/2021 08:59

I would do it. It won’t be for that long, and 2 hours’ drive in total isn’t that much. Family is very important.

Orchid876 · 22/11/2021 09:17

Yeah I'd absolutely stop taking her out with you at the weekend if she isn't going to be helpful, and at the very least grateful, herself. I'd start being too busy, and you will be, you'll have a new baby. Make plans that can't involve her, if she wants to see you she can volunteer to help with childcare. I honestly don't think that's too harsh, she sounds like an awful person, I wouldn't help her anymore until she helps you. And you'll definitely need help, she doesn't, so ask her for it, and if she doesn't oblige, limit contact. And from what you've said about her, I bet the PP who suggested she moved away from her own mother to avoid helping is spot on. Ignore all the posters who claim that they'd do anything for their mothers etc, as they have different mothers who would probably jump to help them in a heartbeat. You don't have one of those so you don't need to feel guilty. She's a selfish arse who doesn't deserve you.

LoisLane66 · 22/11/2021 09:37

Yes, family IS important but the OP's mum is not treating the OP as if she is important to her, only as a taxi driver and someone to have a go at when she feels unhappy about anything.
It works both ways. The OP ran herself ragged looking for a flat for her mum and she and her DH bought carpets and gave it a fresh coat of paint for her. Now she 'hates it'.
This will be a never ending story if the OP carries on pandering to her rather ungrateful mother. I'm all for helping but the lady is young enough to get the train and old enough not to put more stress on her daughter who has a f/t job and 2 children besides being 6 months pregnant. A 2 hour return trip may not seem a big deal to some but it's not good to be at someone's beck and call and made to feel bad because it's the last days of a dying grandma.
Did her mum say it's the last days or was that to guilt trip her daughter? I suspect the move to be nearer the OP was so she didn't have to share the care of her own mother.
Whatever the OP decides, I hope she takes special care of herself and only does what she feels comfortable doing. Not all family members are wonderful as evinced by some threads on MN & GN. Personally, I'd encourage rail travel at the least busy times. Show her how to plan the journey on her mobile and wave her off at the station.

FrenchBoule · 22/11/2021 10:03

OP, putting the situation with your DGM aside, is there anything positive about the relationship with your mother or is she one of these people who moans most of the time?

Looks like you have reverse situation with your mother where you’re the one parenting her.

Send DH with her on the train to show her the route and yes to the riot act. She needs to be aware how much she imposes on you and this is not on. Either she doesn’t realise then a straight talk is needed or if she doesn’t care it’s time to pull back.

Take care of yourself 💐

Dishwashersaurous · 22/11/2021 10:08

You poor thing. This is not about the train but about your mother acting like a child and expecting you to parent her.

You need to practice saying no

WimpoleHat · 22/11/2021 10:15

Your mum is silly. Too scared to get a train? She's acting like a child.

This is basically it. My friend’s mother is very like this: too scared to drive, too scared to get a taxi on her own etc…. And the impact on everyone else is enormous, because her DH is often in hospital/needs to go to appointments etc. But the “too scared” brigade expects everyone else to be able to drive. Or to get the train to them. Unless there’s a really good reason for that anxiety (eg she’s been attacked on a train or suffered an awful car crash), I don’t think it helps to pander to the worry; it just means she doesn’t get help to get over it….

Cavementality · 22/11/2021 11:27

Please do take your mum. What if this were your daughter not wanting to take you to see your mum!

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/11/2021 12:50

@WimpoleHat

Your mum is silly. Too scared to get a train? She's acting like a child.

This is basically it. My friend’s mother is very like this: too scared to drive, too scared to get a taxi on her own etc…. And the impact on everyone else is enormous, because her DH is often in hospital/needs to go to appointments etc. But the “too scared” brigade expects everyone else to be able to drive. Or to get the train to them. Unless there’s a really good reason for that anxiety (eg she’s been attacked on a train or suffered an awful car crash), I don’t think it helps to pander to the worry; it just means she doesn’t get help to get over it….

I think it's relatively common for people who cannot drive to imagine that it's acceptable to expect family who do drive to chauffeur them all over the place (I think the notion 'You've got a car, why should I have to go on the train?' is often in their minds). My mother was always offering my Dad's services to drive people, without even consulting him and I know it racked him him right off as he sometimes had to change plans he'd already made because "Well, I've told her you'll take her now..."

She's only 65 - public transport is there specifically for people to use.

NoPaintedPony · 22/11/2021 14:11

Okay, I’m ready to be bombarded with abuse. But I can’t sit back & let this go without balance. To all of the people who are emotionally blackmailing u into continuing enabling ur mother & saying helpful things like ‘what if ur daughter treated u like this’ - I will type this slowly so it can go in - not every mum is kind, lovable, caring etc. Some are selfish & appear to have had children just to act as servants.
If her mother’s behaviour was that of a partner, what would ur advice be then?
If this sounds ott to u then I’m pleased that u have not experienced the type of mother I have.
The fact u posted on here in the first place shows that U know her behaviour is unacceptable.
Just because u r related does not condone abuse.

ChubbyMorticia · 22/11/2021 14:24

I agree that family is important.

Which is why @amibeingselfishorwhat's mother should act like it. Get on a train to see her mother, instead of demanding that her pregnant daughter who's just gotten over hyperemesis, has two young children and a job drives her around.

I don't understand why @amibeingselfishorwhat is expected to drop and run under the name of family, but her mother isn't expected to give consideration to anyone but herself.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 22/11/2021 14:28

@Cavementality

Please do take your mum. What if this were your daughter not wanting to take you to see your mum!
Honestly?

I would not expect my 6 month pregnant dd to make that journey every 3 days. Noit when I know that she is also struggling with HG and she has her own family to look after too.

And why should I? I am raisng my dcs to be independent and self sufficient adults, able to look after themselves. The least I can do is to be able to do it myself!