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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 20/11/2021 16:50

Would you have to go everyday or just drop her off and pick her up a few days later?

I think YABU and should just do it.
Her mum is dying. Your aunty needs her help. Your mum needs your help.

I’m shocked you even have to ask on here.

littlefireseverywhere · 20/11/2021 16:52

I think she needs to learn to get the train.

Cameleongirl · 20/11/2021 16:53

@WonderfulYou I think the real issue is that the OP's Mum is expecting the OP to drive her there and back whenever she wants, instead of recognising that OP simply can't be that flexible with a job, two children and a difficult pregnancy. They need to find a workable compromise.

PinkSyCo · 20/11/2021 16:53

You say your grandma is in her final days, so it could well be only once or twice you would need to pick up your mum. I would not hesitate to do this for my mum under these sad circumstances. You sound rather cold towards both your mum and your grandma OP.

PuertoPollensa · 20/11/2021 16:53

OP is not the only transport option for her mum!!!
There is a train!!!!

Her mum doesn't "need her help" she just doesn't want to take the train.

DismantledKing · 20/11/2021 16:54

Usual projection here from the ‘I’ve lost my mum, you inhuman monster’ crowd. Only you know if you’re well enough to do this; if you’re not, then you’re not.

lockdownalli · 20/11/2021 16:57

How old is your mother? Why can't she get on a train? Does she have a disability?

On the face of it, YANBU. You are pregnant and knackered.

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 17:03

@PinkSyCo

You say your grandma is in her final days, so it could well be only once or twice you would need to pick up your mum. I would not hesitate to do this for my mum under these sad circumstances. You sound rather cold towards both your mum and your grandma OP.
Of course she doesn't sound cold.

She sounds sensible. She's six months pregnant, recovering from hyper-emesis, and juggling two children and a full-time job on top of that.

She's very sensible not to want to juggle 4+ hours of driving on her days off on top of all that.

If anything, I would say OP's mum sounds pretty cold towards her daughters' circumstances - expecting to be ferried around when she could just as easily catch the train.

inkworks273 · 20/11/2021 17:04

I don't think yabu. It sounds like you already take your mum once a month which I think is really good of you.

Suggest taking the train with your mum. Hopefully once she's done it once she'll feel more comfortable doing it.

Don't listen to the rude posters calling you selfish. It's them that's coming across as horrible people, not you.

Original poster
amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 17:05

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 20/11/2021 17:05

@tallduckandhandsome

She’s not nervous taking the train, she’s lazy.

Stop runign around after her and tell her to get the train.

That’s really mean, if OP’s Grandma is 96, OP’s Mum might be well into her 70s.
ToykotoLosAngeles · 20/11/2021 17:05

Bit undecided to be honest. Your mum sounds a bit of a wet lettuce between calling her sister a meanie and being scared of trains but I think I'd do it for at least some of the journeys so she didn't hold it against me later.

TheWomandestroyed · 20/11/2021 17:06

Unless there is a very good reason for not being able to get the Train then it's ridiculous of your mother to except you to taxi her in your current position. I would not dream of asking my daughter if she was pregnant, looking after children and working!
My own mother is almost 84 and she is still working, she walks there every day in the early morning, and walks home again. She frequently refuses to take lifts as she wants to be independent.

Cameleongirl · 20/11/2021 17:07

Based on your latest update, it really is your Mum's personal preference then - she simply doesn't want to take the train.

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 17:07

That’s really mean, if OP’s Grandma is 96, OP’s Mum might be well into her 70s.

Plenty of people in their 70's drive themselves everywhere, fly around the world, go on cruises and even run marathons.

Being in your 70's (on it's own) isn't a reason not to get the train, lol.

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 17:08

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

Then she needs to suck it up and catch the train, imo.

It's not up to you to ferry her around.

TatianaBis · 20/11/2021 17:09

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

65!!

That’s the age my parents bought land abroad and built a house from scratch.

Both my parents were still working part time well into their 70s.

Your mum needs to get a grip and go and help her mum and stop playing helpless Hester.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 20/11/2021 17:13

I do find people who will neither learn to drive nor use public transport frustrating. You really have to pick one. If she is 65 she was only in her 20s in the late 1970s. Did she rely on her DH to take her everywhere?

Pinksloth · 20/11/2021 17:16

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

I thought this might be the case.

The thing is the more you do for her now, the more 'anxious' she'll get. Anxiety feeds off avoiding things. You could compromise and say that you'll drop her off but if she wants to come back after a few days then she has to get the train otherwise she'll have to wait until the following weekend. I wouldn't just jump to her tune all the time. I wonder if her sister gets sharp with your mum because your mum is actually the awkward one!

Strokethefurrywall · 20/11/2021 17:18

You’re absolutely not selfish OP. Given your mum is in fine health but is just scared getting the train, she needs to learn to do these things for herself.

I would drive her the first time and then ask her to get the train back. You’re 6 months pregnant, have had hyperemesis, have 2 kids and work. You’re not a taxi service!

Restart10 · 20/11/2021 17:20

Yanbu. Your life sounds very busy and with feeling ill over this pregnancy, I don't blame you. Your mother is being really selfish here, she has a perfectly good option getting there and back. No reason other than she just doesn't want to. Does she not use public transport at all?

category12 · 20/11/2021 17:21

If you arranged the train tickets, took her to the station and had your auntie agree to meet her at the other end, do you think you could persuade her to try it?

Or perhaps go along with her the first time?

It's not practical for you to keep doing the driving, especially as your pregnancy progresses and not when you will have a newborn, so it would be worth trying to get her over her fears - and if it's that she's never travelled this route before, then showing her she can do it might get over the issue.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 20/11/2021 17:21

I can’t imagine not doing this for my mum and use the opportunity to see my grandma myself and offer support. An hour each way is what I used to do as a commute to work 5 days a week when pregnant with twins so not that far and it’s hardly forever.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/11/2021 17:23

Your DM could be the dictionary definition for learned helplessness.

A few days every other week means eight hours of driving for you, for maybe 6 days visiting. As a non driver she probably hasn't considered that on top of everything else you do and nearly in your third trimester this would be tiring.

Is there anyone else in the family who would accompany her by train? Perhaps if she gets the train out you can collect her for the return trip.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/11/2021 17:23

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Yes I would drive down then drive back up then be back down again in a few days time to pick mum up.
Is it a few days or a week at a time? You've said both?

If you're unable to drive then you're unable to drive. If you can and do drive, think if you'd want someone to help you see your Mom in her last dying weeks.

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