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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Airport collection AIBU?

225 replies

SadlyMissTaken · 20/11/2021 11:17

I've been abroad for two weeks. I live 1.5 - 2 hrs from Heathrow by tube/train. DP twice mentioned over phone he might come and collect me as I was getting in v early so no traffic. He said he would text to let me know. I told him now he had brought it up I would be upset if he didn't turn up (got in today, Saturday and he has nothing else on). He said he wasn't guaranteeing.
Flight landed earlier than schedule. No text from DP. Tore through arrivals to see him. Not there at exit. Eventually called. No answer. Called again. Still in bed and apparently pissed off I woke him up. Am furious. He says he made clear it was a maybe. AIBU?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/11/2021 14:22

I'd be pissed off that -

He made an offer that he clearly had no intention of following through. Unless he had an unusually busy week or was ill or something, it sounded like he just fancied a lie in and couldn't be arsed

That he said he would confirm either way and then didn't

That he didn't really care when you said that you would be upset

That he just doesn't automatically do stuff like this for you in the first place. I am not that keen on driving but I don't think 40 min is far and I wouldn't even question it if it saved my husband traipsing over london changing tubes and trains with suitcases and taking him an extra hour after a 13hour flight. I'd just go and pick him up, and he'd do the same for me, just because that's what a partnership is, doing nice things for each other or helping each other out, otherwise just what's the point?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/11/2021 14:24

And yes he works away all week, but unless this is a brand new thing he knows what it's like and could anticipate how he would feel at the weekend when he made the offer, surely? If he feels like he really relishes those lie ins in his own bed then he shouldn't have offered should he.

And even if you've had a fantastically relaxing holiday, most people are not 'rested' after a 13 hour flight, they are generally groggy and uncomfortable and jet lagged

SiobhanSharpe · 20/11/2021 14:29

Frankly your DP sounds a massive, massive knob to play stupid games like this. He said he would text and let you know either way if he was going to do meet you, but he didn't.
So when he wasn't there, you did the sensible thing and phoned -, in case he was on his way, or had been delayed for some reason. Instead he got pissed off. Arsehole.
I bet you'd have got it in the neck anyway if you had left the airport and he actually was on his way to meet you. He set it up so you'd be in the wrong whatever you did. So a prick too.

Why put up with this?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/11/2021 14:31

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

And yes he works away all week, but unless this is a brand new thing he knows what it's like and could anticipate how he would feel at the weekend when he made the offer, surely? If he feels like he really relishes those lie ins in his own bed then he shouldn't have offered should he.

And even if you've had a fantastically relaxing holiday, most people are not 'rested' after a 13 hour flight, they are generally groggy and uncomfortable and jet lagged

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't be mildly hacked off with him. But poster after poster telling her that her relationship is a lie and that she should dump him is ridiculous.
CorrBlimeyGG · 20/11/2021 14:32

A maybe is a no. I thought everyone knew that.

Ourlady · 20/11/2021 14:35

He sounds like a selfish pain in the arse. I would be pouring his duty free straight down the sink! And having a think about your relationship considering the other stuff you have said about him.

Aprilx · 20/11/2021 14:35

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Aprilx

I landed back at Heathrow three Saturdays ago, early morning. DH didn’t come to pick me up and I didn’t ask him to as it is 1.5 hours each way and not a particularly pleasant thing for him to do on his day off. I don’t need to question the relationship because of it!

You're spectacularly missing the point. The OP's DP couldn't be arsed. He left her hanging, said he may or may not pick her up, he never give her a straight answer, and then left her standing there to make her way home. Not the sign of a loving, caring man, OR a loving, caring relationship.[/quote]
I haven’t spectacularly missed the point. You have selective reading and quoting. If you are able to read my post in its entirety, you will see that I went on to comment about those things.

FlowerArranger · 20/11/2021 14:46

@SadlyMissTaken......... for me, it would have been the filthy bathroom that would have broken the camel's back.

Total disrespect and massively lacking in care and consideration.

QuinceTamarillo · 20/11/2021 14:50

YANBU to be disappointed that he apparently didn’t make it a priority, and also that (having raised the issue on his own initiative and said “maybe”) he didn’t let you know he would NOT be there. YABU to assume he would be there without his confirming it - but also, in the absence of an "I'll be there" or "I can't make it", I might also have worried that I'd missed a message from him and that would have slowed me down when otherwise I'd have headed straight for the bus/train/etc.

I'd feel kind of jerked around by this episode, honestly. It sounds like you'd have been fine making your own way home from Heathrow, and he interfered with that and then didn't take your feelings or needs seriously once that separate "I MIGHT pick you up" discussion was launched. I don't want to armchair-diagnose, but I'd be having a serious conversation with him - once you're rested and calm - about what he was thinking. And don't let him gaslight you about how he never said yes and it's so much work and so on - he brought the topic up, and he also never said no. You know best if this is a red flag/last straw or just a mistake on his part/misunderstanding between the two of you. But if you think he's behaved badly (or even if you think he's behaved fine but shown he's not the kind of partner you want), don't just let that go.

Original poster
SadlyMissTaken · 20/11/2021 14:51

On reflection I think I did overreact and should have assumed he wasn't coming rather than the opposite.
I also think it was wrong of him to introduce the uncertainty and then not text me a decision before he went to bed. After a long flight I didn't need to be sitting there at arrivals wondering if he was there or not, or to get attitude when I finally got through to him.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 20/11/2021 14:53

You didn’t overreact though, did you - this was the icing on the cake in the wider context of a relationship where you absolutely are not valued and you’re taken for granted and you are crying out for crumbs of attention and care.

soapboxqueen · 20/11/2021 14:53

@CorrBlimeyGG

A maybe is a no. I thought everyone knew that.
Unless you're my mam. In which case 'maybe' means yes but you should appreciate it 😂
Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 20/11/2021 14:56

@SadlyMissTaken

On reflection I think I did overreact and should have assumed he wasn't coming rather than the opposite. I also think it was wrong of him to introduce the uncertainty and then not text me a decision before he went to bed. After a long flight I didn't need to be sitting there at arrivals wondering if he was there or not, or to get attitude when I finally got through to him.
Oh for goodness sake… after what you’ve written about your friend dying and his lack of support then, and now you HAVE NOT overreacted.

In fact you’ve under-reacted. He can’t be arsed OP. He can’t be bothered to even try to be a decent human being.

EinsteinaGogo · 20/11/2021 14:57

Ah, sorry OP, it's crap when you hope someone will show they miss you and care about you, then they don't.

He doesn't sound that much of a delight, to be honest.

If you have options / can make plans, Don't waste another 11 years with someone who doesn't make you feel cherished.

Ozanj · 20/11/2021 14:58

Sorry but only an arsehole doesn’t come to pick up their partner from the airport.

rookiemere · 20/11/2021 15:03

Posters saying that OP is a grown adult and can make her own way home are missing the point. It's the maybe that's the killer. If he'd said that it had been a heavy week so he didn't want an early start, that's a bit crap from a long term partner, but at least honest, or indeed not even mention it.
But to leave your DP at the airport when all they want to do is get home and sleep, to then wonder if you're there or not and thus delay the start to their public transport journey is just cruel. Even if OP had woken him up, surely he could have met her halfway at one of the train stations or something.
Agree with others OP, once you've caught up on your sleep, I'd be reconsidering this relationship.

Valeriane · 20/11/2021 15:04

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow
Completely agree with this analysis.

BoredZelda · 20/11/2021 15:05

He said he would let me know though. No text on landing so I assumed he would be there

Wrong assumption. It is a maybe until you get a yes.

tearinghairout · 20/11/2021 15:05

I think there's something awfully romantic about coming through arrivals with your suitcase to be met with a big hug from loved one/s. We're kind of conditioned to it by Hollywood, and when it doesn't happen we feel let down. Maybe you felt that way OP, and your DP doesn't understand. "Maybe means maybe." Some people are very literal. He should've texted you, though to be fair maybe you wouldn't have received it on the plane, and you were early. But lack of communication all round, I think, as with the going out to dinner. It meant a lot to you but he was tired (?). I hope he lets you know how much he's missed you.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/11/2021 15:05

@Ozanj

Sorry but only an arsehole doesn’t come to pick up their partner from the airport.
This is such an old-fashioned and weird attitude - something I associate with my grandparents' generation. Most of us are very familiar with air travel these days. Airports usually have great public transport connections and are a PITA to reach by car, because of high traffic volumes. Do we really have to fuck the environment further by needing to be collected by car, when public transport is usually faster and easier?
AnyOldPrion · 20/11/2021 15:06

@SadlyMissTaken

I didn't say he was lazy. You are right my comment about being upset was passive aggressive. I left the country to get over a good friend's sudden death. He couldn't come as no valid passport. On the day she died my partner went to bed early. I asked him to stay up as I was in a state and he wouldn't. We had nice chats while I was away and I was hoping he had missed me (said he did) and things might improve. I will go to the other board.
Apologies, I was thinking of this:

”I have been questioning the relationship as he makes so little effort. Hee wouldn't go out for dinner on my last night in the uk. No other plans, just couldn't be arsed.”

which doesn’t say lazy, but says isn’t making an effort. Sorry, I should have checked back before posting m but unfortunately I was being lazy!

Valeriane · 20/11/2021 15:08

@tearinghairout
It's romantic when it's a dramatic homecoming of sorts but in this situation the OP went on a two-week holiday.

FourTeaFallOut · 20/11/2021 15:10

Do we really have to fuck the environment further by needing to be collected by car, when public transport is usually faster and easier?

Oh, please. It's like worrying about the aftereight mint after stuffing down Christmas dinner.

Needdoughnuts · 20/11/2021 15:14

I live within 10 miles of a major London airport. Could I get home via public transport? If my plane landed at 5pm I could get a train and bus and then a mile walk. Any other time - no chance!

Needdoughnuts · 20/11/2021 15:16

And yes, like getting a lift is fucking over the environment after a plane journey? Grin

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