AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

YANBU!

Treating them equally is important for your DH ("equally" doesn't mean "the same" either). He's a parent to all of the children.

You sound like you have a good relationship with your SC, that worked well before your DC arrived. The ex will of course be worried about her DC feeling pushed out / treated differently. As long as your DH treats them all equally, what you do for your joint DC is none of her business - especially when your family are involved.

Well I'd be pretty miffed if my dh pushed off on holiday without me because his parents were paying. I think you save up and go as a family.

And being honest about birthday parties did it never occur to you that not throwing a party was a bit mean? If you are the kind of person that likes a big party. Did you never think you were setting a precedent for how birthdays are dealt with in your family?

I think everything needs to be scrupulously equal not just in blended families but also non blended families. So throwing a big party for eldest but youngest gets bugger all (a common situation) is not on.

Feel bad for the kids to be fair.

You sound nice and a lot like my children’s SM

I wouldn’t want her to be a Mum to mine - she’s more like an auntie to the 7 yo and a friend to the 13 yo

DH stayed home and didn't come

This is what makes the holiday completely fine IMO

I get what you’re saying and I’d fully agree for smaller things - if you took your child to an activity or Randy m randomly treated to a gift. But the two examples you have given are for pretty big events a birthday party and a holiday and I can see why that feels like they’re being treated differently.

Always a tricky situation where SC and DC are involved. Just a thought though, did the Ex think that the DC birthday was paid for by your family money, so you and your DH and that they think family money should also be used to pay for DSC birthday parties too? Especially as you say it was a pretty big party.

But if the SC isn't into big parties its irrelevant anyway.

Not sure what to suggest, as obvioulsy theres going to be differences, especially when your parents are paying for things. I guess only thing your DH can do is make sure the DSC know that your DC's grandparents are paying for such and such and not him?

Only thing that makes me think about the birthday parties is that I have a friend who has 2 dc with her DH and another Dc is her DSC. They always put on big birthday parties for the DC like play centres, big days out etc and the DSC has never had one to date because my friend says its up to her mum to sort it. and her mum doesn't have the money. She says her money shouldn't be spent on her DSC parties when she has 2 other parents. Its a grey area and I think shes mean as clearly can afford it and I do feel sorry for the DSC in her situation as she must feel like her step mother doesn't see her as part of the family and therefore can't have 'family' money spent on her for birthday parties.

Yes, God forbid you and your child do things with your family The ex is being ridiculous.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong here op.

But, it's just one of those things. It's so common for dsc to compare how they are treated with how their half siblings are treated. Your dh isn't treating them all equally - how can he? He lives FT with your dc and not his other dcs. The other things, like bday parties and holiday, might exacerbate this feeling of being less cared for by their dh for them.

It isn't up to you to fix though and especially since the ex liked you not to be involved before.

I am sure your dh does worry about it, but that's kind of due to his choices... I wouldn't rush to blame the ex entirely.

Their dad not dh!

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.
It might be hard for the older kids to see or know about things like parties and holidays- and if they’re upset about it then perhaps your DH does need to think about doing a bit more for them, not you doing less for your DC.

@ZenNudist

Well I'd be pretty miffed if my dh pushed off on holiday without me because his parents were paying. I think you save up and go as a family.

And being honest about birthday parties did it never occur to you that not throwing a party was a bit mean? If you are the kind of person that likes a big party. Did you never think you were setting a precedent for how birthdays are dealt with in your family?

I think everything needs to be scrupulously equal not just in blended families but also non blended families. So throwing a big party for eldest but youngest gets bugger all (a common situation) is not on.

Don’t be ridiculous

For a start op went with her family, why should she do without a holiday because they can’t afford for 6 to go?

Why should she be responsible for throwing a party for her stepchildren? As sh3 says she is not the parent, they have two already

If those two wish to throw a big party crack on, in the same way that she wants a big party for he4 child and she has paid for it

Why should it be equal in blended families? How can it possibly be? In this case the only common parent is the father. Yes he should treat them equally, and op says he does, but they have different mothers, and different maternal grandparents. You are doing the children no favours by insisting both sets of parents and all grandparents treat all 4 the same. You are better off explaining why different parents/grandparents treat them all differently

I can see both sides.

The holiday was clearly a your family thing and therefore nothing to do with the ex or your step children (it would have been different if your husband had gone as well). It was clearly the grandparents treating their daughter and grandkid and therefore nothing to do with your step kids.

But, your child has had an amazing birthday party, and their step siblings have never had that. That is treating them differently. The reason given, because your finances are separate to your husbands, and it was you that organised and paid for it are genuine, but the issue is that the step kids wont see it like that. Parties are normally organised and paid for by parents. So unless it was very clearly separate from your husband (eg in your family's house, your invite said 'x's mum invites you to their birthday) and your husband didn't go, to everyone else it will appear to all intents and purposes like a family party. The step kids wont care who organised and paid for it, they will just know their step sibling gets stuff they don't. And I think you (and your husband) might be a bit naive in thinking that has no effect on them at all

This is why I couldn’t ever have a child with someone else.

Surely you can understand her point op? Her children don’t get birthday parties, but your partner is fine and happy to do that for his child with you despite knowing his other 2 can’t have the same?

He sounds a bit rubbish to be honest.

She’s BU. Why should you be doing more for your SC than either of their DP?

Your gonna get torn alive on this post as it's know as first wives club for a reason. You aren't asking solely step parents here for advice. A lot of people don't know what it's like to step parent but have lot of opinions on the subject

I'm gonna secretly be watching for and playing SP bingo on the comments
"Were you the OW"
"Those poor children"
"You clearly dislike your SC"
"You knew what you were getting into"

To all that catch the hump with this, post be clear. SC have two parents, if either one of them is lacking (then it's up to the parents to sort it) since they made the choice to have the child.

The OP has said two critical things. The parties and the holidays were paid for my the maternal grandparents. No input from the shared dad.

If wish to control what going's down in your DC lives enough to bite a step parent for crossing a line in parental duties (as your parental right) then don't expect the step parent to want to step into footing the bill for things like birthday parties and holidays if the parent of the child isn't because that is parental duty which you have firmly said to the step parent not to do.

You cannot have your cake at eat it. I pay for my DSC to do various expensive hobbies because her mum hasn't acted like a loon.

This isn't case of OP isn't being equal, it's a case of if you as the parent want to pay for a large birthday, take it up with the actual parent.

Many step parents want to help their SC, but many step back not out of disinterest in their SC but because they are told nope you can't do that. If your child loses out on things because you wish to maintain control that's fine, but that was your choice.

Op I'm sorry for the battering your about to get. You haven't don't anything wrong.

I wonder if the dh maybe just thought dcs didn't get holidays or parties and maybe now seeing how they actually do in many families unless absolutely broke. Maybe he's starting to feel a bit guilty about that and sorry, but, rightly so! Agree with pp that it's more about him doing a bit more for his other dcs, not less for his youngest.

It isn't up to the op to do it though I don't think. I don't think I'd be thrilled with dh though. Why hasn't he ever done anything like that for his older ones?

I can see how your DC getting holidays and hers not would cause a bit of friction regardless of whose paying.

Why is your DH even entertaining his ex when it comes to this stuff, it's none of her business

Yanbu at all.

She’s more than welcome to do big parties and take her children away the same as you’ve done for yours. Dsc’s maternal family are welcome to help towards the costs, logistics, planning like your parents have done for your children. If they don’t have grandparents on their mum’s side then that’s unfortunate but that’s not on you to make up for.

She sounds quite obsessed with what you do as a mum and how much you do as a mum. Sounds like she begrudges it all. Like you say, she wasn’t bothered before your child was born and now she expects you to suddenly do everything for her children.

She needs to realise that the relationship between you and your child is very different between you and dsc. That changes everything IMO.
Please carry on with your holidays, trips out, birthday parties and all the other little bits in between. She’s very bitter about it all but that’s her problem.

It’s more about the dad allowing so much disparity between his 2 first children and this 3rd one @candlelightsatdawn

It’ll only get worse as the kids notice it as they get older

@lastqueenofscotland

I can see how your DC getting holidays and hers not would cause a bit of friction regardless of whose paying.

Why? the OP is taking her child who is nothing to do with the ex, it would be different if her DH was going too but he isn't

I can see how your DC getting holidays and hers not would cause a bit of friction regardless of whose paying.

How do you know hers aren’t? They could be going away with their own mum. And even if they’re not, when children have different mums then this is what happens and just how it is. Dsc’s mum needs to concentrate on her own children and not what another woman is doing with hers.

@lastqueenofscotland

I can see how your DC getting holidays and hers not would cause a bit of friction regardless of whose paying.

The problem is here that the friction isn't because of the OP it's due to DH and mum.

OP and her DC are just bystanders, it shouldn't be coming to her door.

What's the solution ? Her DC go without because the parents don't want to cough up for a party or she subsides the people who have been pretty happy with the status quo until another child arrives on the scene.

As a mum I would be taking this up with my ex and putting my own hand in my pocket if I really objected. It's a nasty version of keeping up with the Jones with a added element of apologising for being part of a blended family (of which OP didn't cause the first to fail in the first place)

@Staryflight445

It’s more about the dad allowing so much disparity between his 2 first children and this 3rd one *@candlelightsatdawn*

It’ll only get worse as the kids notice it as they get older

But the OP isn't responsible for what her DH or his ex do with their kids, is she supposed to not do a birthday party for her own child just to make sure he/she gets treated equally as shabbily? Or is she only allowed have a party for her child as long as she organises parties for other peoples children too?