AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

Thing is even if the DH / family money did contribute to shared DCs party, OP's money presumably also did, and that of her parents. Then OP put in the work to book the party, decorate, organise a cake, make it nice, do party bags or whatever.

Even if the DH said 'right ok I calculate that my share of DCs party was £100, here you go ex, have the same for each of the DCs parties this year', the ex and her family still need to find the additional money and make the additional effort into making it a big / special party. And if they haven't bothered to date, I can't see that they would suddenly start now.

Not turning it into a male/female thing but a lot of men don't have the inclination towards that sort of thing, which is why it's often women who organise kids parties etc.

I don't have DCs of my own but if I did I'm quite creative and love planning surprises, decorations etc - I'd be the sort of DM that would go all out for birthdays, DH would likely not get that involved other than to do tasks I delegated to him. My DM would also likely contribute and she's fairly well off.

My SDCs mum, as far as I can tell, isn't that way inclined, their birthdays are pretty low key, no proper parties that I'm aware of.

So we'd be in the same position as OP, not because DH wouldn't financially contribute to all parties, he would, but the other factors coming into play mean that I'd have more resources and impetus, not just financial, to make it more 'special' for want of a better word.

The children are usually a lot more mature about these things than the flipping ex wives/husbands. My dsc, my children and my dsc’s other siblings on their mum’s side, were brought up sensible enough to realise that sometimes things weren’t always going to be the same for all of them, as it just wasn’t possible and they happily just got on with it. My two dsc have 7 other siblings in total, with a huge difference in age between the eldest and youngest. There just isn’t a way that everything was going to be the same for them all. Children, generally, only get upset about these things if the parents wind them up in the first place.

Not turning it into a male/female thing but a lot of men don't have the inclination towards that sort of thing, which is why it's often women who organise kids parties etc.

Wide sweeping v gender bias and enabling statement that made it very clear you don't have kids yet. That kinda bias it's lovely in thought but when you end up doing all the drudge work because "that's how men are" tinkly laugh... please come back to me. You will be annoyed at your former self I promise, thinking what on earth was I signing up for. Also have a read of the motherhood penally. Great if your partner never leave you, cheats on you or dies. Otherwise your kinda gonna be doing the leg work for life and he does 0.

Also tbh I would avoid a man who bought into this way of thinking. Mainly because I want my equal in a partner and not to live in servitude bubble built in 19th hundreds but each to their own.

@candlelightsatdawn I'm not buying into anything. DH has lots of stuff he's great at and pulls his weight in lots of ways. Being creative over kids parties and choosing cupcakes isn't one of them. We play to our strengths. I imagine many couples do the same and yes some of that will be driven by gender. I apologise if that's not feminist enough for you.

Also what makes you think I don't have kids "yet"?? I don't have kids full stop, and I won't be. I definitely won't ever need to read books about motherhood. I'll leave you to think about why that might be and why perhaps you shouldn't make sweeping assumptions rather than berating me for apparently making them. Think before you try make yourself look all clever, there's a dear.

Not turning it into a male/female thing but a lot of men don't have the inclination towards that sort of thing, which is why it's often women who organise kids parties etc. that kind of does turn it into a "male/female thing". It's this attitude that makes me even more determined not to take on my husbands parenting tasks for his dsc. So they learn it's not women's work.

Urgh. I hate this. I am from my Dad's 'first' family. He went on to have another family. Where possible, my SM involved us. But it was clear my mum/my family didn't like my SM, so they used to bend my ear and try to play up the inequalities. That used to annoy me more than any inequalities (which weren't even anything I wanted anyway).

Children are different, and should any SC speak up and start to complain of inequalities, it's their father or mother who should deal with making things equal. Not you. It's perhaps so easy for ex wife to see things when her kids are at a disadvantage, but if things were flipped around and she was able to provide more (due to family help etc), she certainly wouldn't give a hoot about your DC (why should she anyway?). OP, look after your own, be kind to your SC, leave the rest to their dad/mum.

@senorafridgidaire I said you don't have kids because of your own comment saying dear.

I don't have DCs of my own.

😂😂

There is no reason why parties should be women's work.

The basics are straightforward - get friends' details, send invitations to friends, organise activities, balloons, food and cake and (depending on age) party bags.

Any man who is incapable of doing this has no business having kids really.

It's incredibly unfair to expect your DC to be treated exactly like your SDC because they're older, so all the choices have already been made. It's not reasonable for you to be expected to match what they did years ago in order to make it fair. As long as no-one is getting anything significantly different (a deposit for a house, university paid for) then realistically there are going to be differences in their childhoods and that's okay.

@candlelightsatdawn its the "yet" in your post. I said I don't have kids, you said you could tell I didn't have them YET and to come back to you when I did yada yada tinkly laugh. That yet makes it clear you are assuming I will have children at some point. I won't. Many women won't, for reasons that are complex and hurtful.

[quote PingedPotato]@Bookworm20 I did my bit. I purchased the decorations. I told DH where they were kept. I was too busy to do it myself having done it all for our shared DC and taken it down by myself I'd done enough wife work.[/quote]
But you found time to do it for your dc.
Can’t you see the message that sent?
No wonder the child got upset.

All this talk of it’s not my job is just shitty. They are your step child ffs, who cares whose job it is? But yeah make the child cry on their birthday so you can ram home your point.

I’m a sm with one dc of my own (11) DH has 2 aged 13 and 10 and we have a shared dc who’s nearly 2.

I came from a blended family and wanted to ensure fairness for all the kids in holidays/presents/days out/1-2-1 time etc however how we set out to achieve that some 6 years ago has now changed (or evolved?) we’ve accepted that as others say fair or equal doesn’t mean the same. We initially thought we must spend exactly the same on each of the kids…now we know that some years some kids will have more spent on them than others and that is treating them fairly. Hobbies ebb and flow at some times 1 child has 2 activities whilst another has none but then it changes. One gets more 1-2-1 time at a shared hobby the others are happier spending time with friends. Days out, we’ve taken our dc to the farm but not taken the other kids as it’s not their weekend. Both of dh kids have been on school trips which we paid for but mine hasn’t. It goes on and on and surely that’s how it works with a traditional set up.

As for holidays we have had family holidays with all the kids and we’ve just booked for us and our shared dc to go away for a week the other 3 dc go to 3 different schools in 3 different areas all with different holidays, Dh ex wouldn’t let us take them out of school or go away at Xmas or new year. Si that would have meant leaving it til Easter and we’ve already booked for end of July so we felt they were a bit close together. Plus after the year we e had we (selfishly) need a break.So we sat them down and explained we were going away whilst they were in school but have booked a summer holiday for us all next year. They are all fine with this.

Carry on doing what your doing but as others have said get your dh to step up a bit maybe for the next dsc birthday he should be the one to suggest to his ex that you are going to do a party.

But yeah make the child cry on their birthday so you can ram home your point. they didn't cry. Mum just said to dad something like "DSC1 was a bit put out that you didn't decorate for their birthday but you did for DC" and dad just said to DSC1 when next saw them something like "sorry I'd didn't put the decorations up for your birthday, Pinged got them for DC but I forgot they were there for when you came the day after your birthday". Absolutely no need for me to get involved and guess what..he remembered for the next DSC's birthday.

But you found time to do it for your dc.
Can’t you see the message that sent? yes it sent the message that I as DC's parent bothered with them but their own parent couldn't be bothered.

My DH is perfectly capable of organising a party, based on @gilderx description and would happily do so. What he wouldn't be very good at is the sourcing of all the little bits / extras that would make it special / look impressive, searching for ages for just the right decorations or cake...he just wouldn't go about it in the same way I would. Maybe a lot of men would, I don't know. Most of my exes and my male friends wouldn't. Maybe it isn't a male / female thing at all and I'm just basing it on my own experience. I was going on OPs description of the party as being something special, which to me meant someone going all out with effort and thought as well as the cash.

@senorafridgidaire so it's ok to make wide sweeping statements and assumptions over what a women or man should be expected to do and judgement but it's completely not ok in reverse. Right.

We have a difference of opinion let's just leave it at, because you too do not know my history either re fertility.

@PingedPotato

*But you found time to do it for your dc. Can’t you see the message that sent?* yes it sent the message that I as DC's parent bothered with them but their own parent couldn't be bothered.

Yes precisely!

Exactly.

It is categorically not OPs duty, when the mother and father don't make it theirs. And it's 1000% not OPs parents duty!!

And OPs child doesn't miss out on some ridiculous faux principle when the reality is, it's because he's "cursed" with one parent who makes it happen.

@Gliderx

There is no reason why parties should be women's work.

The basics are straightforward - get friends' details, send invitations to friends, organise activities, balloons, food and cake and (depending on age) party bags.

Any man who is incapable of doing this has no business having kids really.

This ^

This is your husbands problem.

Not yours.

You shouldn't be entertaining him or his EX.

Nothing to do with you.

Stop trying to tip toe around this situation.

The party is ridiculous.

Those children have two parents who can't be arsed.

Your child has one parent CAN be arsed.

Stop responding to his EX.

Stop feeling bad.

Stop taking on board completely unreasonable complaints.

If his ex wife's family take her children away for a holiday, that is NOTHING to do with you.

You are fanning the flames of this ridiculousness by engaging and entertaining it.

Simply STOP.

You sound like a lovely SM.

@senorafridgidaire. Those extra details look impressive and older kids may appreciate them, but young kids don't really care ime.

One of the best parties we've been to was organised by the dad (the mum was snowed under with work) and was held in the local leisure centre with a huge bouncy castle. There was pizza, party rings, supermarket cake, beer and wine and not much else . Party bags were random prepackaged and a mix of themes. The kids didn't care and were bouncing off the walls. Someone did have to pop out to get drinks for the kids which had been completely forgotten but it wasn't the end of the world.

@candlelightsatdawn not sure what your point is but yes legally your finances are not separate when you marry. It’s part of being married, other options are available if you don’t want that. So it’s a bit poor for one child to get a lavish party out of family money whilst the others get nothing. The only reason mentioned for the holiday was finances not effort or anything else. If family money was used for spending money, activities etc then the dad could surely have provided a day out or something. If totally financed by others fair enough but it doesn’t read like that. Everyday life isn’t always equal for full siblings either but big occasions like birthdays most people do ensure are reasonably equal. I don’t see the big deal of saying to each kid we’re putting x amount aside for a birthday party for each of you. Just be open about it, if relatives top it up then great but I think your contribution should be the same for those big events and occasions.

[quote BungleandGeorge]@candlelightsatdawn not sure what your point is but yes legally your finances are not separate when you marry. It’s part of being married, other options are available if you don’t want that. So it’s a bit poor for one child to get a lavish party out of family money whilst the others get nothing. The only reason mentioned for the holiday was finances not effort or anything else. If family money was used for spending money, activities etc then the dad could surely have provided a day out or something. If totally financed by others fair enough but it doesn’t read like that. Everyday life isn’t always equal for full siblings either but big occasions like birthdays most people do ensure are reasonably equal. I don’t see the big deal of saying to each kid we’re putting x amount aside for a birthday party for each of you. Just be open about it, if relatives top it up then great but I think your contribution should be the same for those big events and occasions.[/quote]
But if the child's actual parents can't be bothered to do anything "big", then according to you there are two options :1. Do it yourself and all the grief that comes with that i.e. overstepping or 2.never do anything big for your kid because it's not fair.

It's bonkers.

yes legally your finances are not separate when you marry. It’s part of being married

You don't have to completely combine finances. My income isn't counted for my DH's maintenance payments. You don't have to have a joint account. If you die then yes your spouse will inherit if no will. But my bank account is not DHs. He can't go to the bank and take out the money in my account just because he is married to me.

@BungleandGeorge if my DP said hey you wanna contribute to SDC party both me and DM are chipping in for a lavish party and DM hadn't said back off, sure why not. I have done this in the past.

To expect me to do more than her more both her parents and go the extra mile when they are making me feel guilty about solely contributing DC party and doing zero to contribute to that. No. As I said before DP would be in the 🗑 and I wouldn't be disrespecting DM wishes to back off.

Mess they both made, not mine to fix