AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

My money only becomes DHs to spend on his child when he divorces me and takes me for half of everything (I brought it all into the marriage) or I die.
He does not get free access to my accounts to help himself just because we are married. That would be fraud and financial abuse.
HTH.

@Youseethethingis

My money only becomes DHs to spend on his child when he divorces me and takes me for half of everything (I brought it all into the marriage) or I die. He does not get free access to my accounts to help himself just because we are married. That would be fraud and financial abuse. HTH.

Thanks that was what I was trying to say! And even if I die my money is to go in trust for my Child and he will have to ask to access it so DH can't just spend it all on his children.

Money and property don't become joint on marriage. What happens is that spouses become subject to a legal obligation to support the other spouse. Hence spousal maintenance can be payable pre and post-divorce and marital assets redistributed between the parties.

Why didn't mum and dad pay for an expensive birthday party for their dc? It's not up to the children's step mum to sort this. The same way as it's not up to the step mum to sort a holiday for her step children. She went away with her dc and parents, Dad could go away with his children and parents if he wanted. It's absolutely nothing to do with the step mum

"It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work."
I just had to check if pre-empt meant what I think it means (and it did) - 'to take action in order to prevent (an anticipated event) happening; forestall.' So if the anticipated event is her throwing accusations about - what action does he take? It had better not be trying to make you not do something you want to do for YOUR child. Is it? And if it isn't - what action does he take? (It should be telling her to piss off and to get off your back.)

"I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC."
Well next time you feel someone is putting the onus on you, tell them to piss off. Doesn't matter if that someone is your husband or his ex - they need to piss of and take care of their own children and stop telling you what you can and can't do with your child. Be blunt. Be belligerent. Be absolutely clear that they have overstepped the mark and they can Just. Piss. Off.

"DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others."
As he should, given that they are all his children!

"I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?"
Yes, it's fine. And yes, your DH needs to stop being guilted. More to the point, he needs to stop guilting you.

candlelight -chill

At no point have I blamed OP.

The mother is blaming both of them - my point is , the DF here is the issue and I have said that - "the DF here is the issue."

If family monies have been used then he is an even bigger idiot than comes across. At no point have I blamed OP.

Perhaps you should take a step back and not write such offensive personal insults without clearly reading what I wrote -
either you are saying the DF to all the DCs in this scenario did not pay a penny towards your sole DC or he did contribute. If he did then he is at fault "

So may be you take a step back and not be judge jury and executioner with your statements!

Totally in support of you OP.

You and your family are doing these things for YOUR child. If she wants to do special things for HER kids then she should do. Or your Dh. It's not your individual responsibility as step mum to do anything for them.

Blended family children can never be treated completely equally. That's just reality. They don't have the same parents. They can be treated fairly but that's it.

You're not a cash machine or someone to poach for free stuff. If dscs mum wants nice stuff like that for her kids then she can sort it whenever it's not something sorted by your DH.

Uneffing 🤯 you literally said that you didn't believe DP didn't contribute to DC party from family money and that he did less for his DSC as they had a sleepover.
Which is treating them differently and unfair and something op seems to have openly been trying to avoid.

Your comment you essentially said OP - I think DP did pay for DC party (regardless of what information was provided) and that's his fault but if he didn't (which is what op stated) thenhe wasn't at fault ? So in that case was who is ? Maybe it's the way it was worded and you agree it's his fault both ways . Misinterpretation happens on the internet, so willing to be corrected but it's how your comment came across, that it's only his fault if he paid for one child and not another.
My view hes 100 % fault for hurt feelings no matter which way you slice it as it's his parental responsibility to all his children to provide and both him and DM are hassling OP lumping her with that guilt instead of acting

Suggesting the op was lying based on zero facts is the type of insidious thing that happens on here regularly to SP (why would she lie anyway ? Why would you assume that 😵‍💫) whilst ignoring that both DH and dear mum could have prevented drama this makes this type of thread extra nutty.

If DC party was paid for by DH from family pot of money there's case to be said maybe she should chip in SC. I would (minus the issues with the ex). However OP confirmed he didn't contribute to youngest ones so DP actually treated them exactly the same, shittly. I don't think that this guys a prize for this but in terms of equality from him it was the same.

There's a lot of noise about what OP should have done and crickets re DM responsibility to level the playing field if she's that bothered about equality or upset instead she's dumping it at OP door and DP allowing it.

Enough of the internet. This thread is bonkers

Thanks for the replies sorry for only just coming back to this. Am reading through properly now.

A couple of people asked how it was paid for, my family actually paid for most of the birthday party and I paid for the rest. DH put some to the cake I think but that was it.