AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

@sunnyandshare

You don't have an ex problem, you have a DH problem. This is his issue to resolve with the ex, not yours. I must say though that the dsc will feel a difference, if your dc is getting nice parties and holidays (regardless as to who is paying). I think he needs to make more of an effort with his dc to be honest, otherwise there will be resentment in the future. YANBU to carry on parenting your dc in the way you feel is best.

This.

And if he can't afford for the his older children to have large parties, go on holiday etc he needs to explain to his older children that you and your family pay for things like that for your child not him.

@Trixiefirecracker

I think the problem is your DH needs to do more with his first three kids rather than do less with his youngest child

This because ^^ this doesn't belong at OP door to sort.

Frankly any sign of me being guilted into anything and I would back right off and explain why. Sorry DSC I can't do that for you because your mum won't allow it.

Choices and consequences and all that jazz

@Bookworm20 it is not the OP's job to do a birthday party for her step-children.

She doesn't have parental responsibility for her them nor is she her DH's secretary.

Her DH needs to pull his finger out.

I was referring to the holiday. I talked about the parents paying.

If it were me (and this is what my parents would have done) we would have either not gone or more likely invited step DC too. Even if it meant doing something cheaper.

Nothing to do with the party.

@Bookworm20

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Sorry but thats a bit of a cop out. You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours.

Why should the OP be doing all this? Surely it's her husband's job?

No say, no pay.
You absolutely can't be told to shut up, then in the next breath be told to pay up.
What the ex says/wants/thinks/does should have no bearing on how you choose to parent or what you choose to provide for your child.

@Bookworm20

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Sorry but thats a bit of a cop out. You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours.

Op has already said DM has kicked off in the past heavily. It's not a cop out it's respecting DMs wishes.

DM is copping out by not providing for her child and if she wants to go 50/50 with the child's father then that's what she should do. I would happily support her setting him alight but not OP.

Op has 0 responsibility to pick up the slack from parents who aren't willing to do what's best for their children.

You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours
Interesting you say OP should ask for permission. It's almost as if it's not really her place or her job to do it, so she needs to check with the actual parent.

@Hodgehog

I was referring to the holiday. I talked about the parents paying.

If it were me (and this is what my parents would have done) we would have either not gone or more likely invited step DC too. Even if it meant doing something cheaper.

Nothing to do with the party.

But then I'm assuming by that logic and one of a child's you would ask the ex to take DC on holiday with her or not take SC on holiday to maintain fairness all around.

No because I am talking about what I would do. I would not leave another child out. If someone else’s does I may not agree but that is up to them.

I’m not responsible for other people’s choices.

@Hodgehog

I was referring to the holiday. I talked about the parents paying.

If it were me (and this is what my parents would have done) we would have either not gone or more likely invited step DC too. Even if it meant doing something cheaper.

Nothing to do with the party.

Why the hell would a couple of older adults who invite their daughter and grandchild on holiday want to invite children they don't know at all?

They may as well invite their neighbours 3 doors down 3 nephews and nieces instead.

@candlelightsatdawn

The OP has said two critical things. The parties and the holidays were paid for my the maternal grandparents. No input from the shared dad.

The OP has not said this.

She said she organised it and her parents HELPED with the cost.
So unless OP and her DH have totally seperate money and the father of this child contributed in no way to his childs birthday I would imagine it was more like OP arranged it, family money paid for it and her parents contributed.

If it turns out this bloke contributes zero to any of his kids birthdays, and its left solely upto the mothers to pay for and organise everything, hes a pretty shit dad tbh and no wonder the ex wife is getting miffed.

And I can imagine in that case there is a huge disparity in how they are treated as OP is not responsible for arranging and paying for these things for her DSC. So she does them for her DC only and the father is doing nothing for any of them. But the DSC will only see it as DC getting loads of things and they get nothing.

Holiday totally seperate thing as the DC went away with their grandparents and mother only.

@Bookworm20

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Sorry but thats a bit of a cop out. You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours.

Bookworm, you obviously haven't dealt with a difficult ex in a step situation. That would be a major overstep by OP. I get on fine with my SC's mum but even she would be pissed off if I did this. It's not my place.

If she wants her children to have a birthday party then she has the same ability that OP has to throw one. She can talk to her ex and agree to have a party - that she hasn't done that is not OP's fault.

@GratefullyFred Honestly it's like you can't win.

That's because with unreasonable people you can't. It's better you disengage with DM and crack on.

Think of it like respecting her wishes. She doesn't want you in that parental role. Cool, np she handles that role alone with the child father.

I wouldn’t even dream to presume another family would even be able to afford a holiday let alone anything else.

The key thing is whether the actual SCs are upset, or whether it's just their mum projecting her worry.

If they are upset, then both their mum and dad need to step up to do more for them. If they aren't, then there is really nothing to worry about.

A friend of mine has a child with her dh and he also has 2 children with his ex. They have never been on holiday with just their shared dc and not the sc, they are always included in what they do and they have also thrown parties, etc for them because the dad is very aware that his first children only get to spend some of their time with their dad, whilst his 3rd child gets him all the time.

I am glad my ex had the snip while we were married as this is the kind of thing as a mum that would really worry me if he had gone on to have any more children with someone else. It's natural to worry about your own child/ren being pushed out and not being treated the same, even though your reasons for the parties/holidays sound reasonable.

Can your dh take his children away if you are taking yours?

Sorry but thats a bit of a cop out. You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours.

It’s not a cop out when the OP has no responsibility to do it. Cop out for the father yes, but not OP. I don’t see why a stepmum should go around finding out names and numbers of dsc’s friends parents while the father sits idly by. Fuck that.

And if OP did do it, why on earth should she ask for mum’s permission?

If I was your H i would find it upsetting to see one of my children get a lot more than another. I would also not want your family members financing key events for my child like parties and holidays as I would prefer to provide these for my children myself in line with what I could afford. But if I was your H and suggested that, I expect you would oppose it.

@AryaStarkWolf

It is 100% the husbands job. But from OP's posts it appears her DH actually contributes zero to ANY of his childrens birthdays.

So perhaps that is where the disparity is showing. OP is able to pay for these things for her child. DSC mother isn't. All they will see is one child getting everything and they are getting nothing. They won't realise its OP paying for everything.

My cop out comment was in response to OP saying she couldn't throw a party because she didn't know their friends parents, not because she didn;t want to or it wasn't her job to. All I'm saying is if she wanted to, she could find a way to make it happen.

I think the difficulty with the party is that the mother, and in particular the child, isn't to know that only you arranged it and paid for it. To an outsider, it could look like a Dad is choosing to celebrate one of his children's birthdays and not the other.

As it is, as you arranged it and you/family paid for it, then I think the party is absolutely fine. It's up to the parents to arrange a party for your SC.

I don't understand her argument over the holiday? What's her issue with you going away with your DH?!

@Bookworm20 , hes a pretty shit dad tbh and no wonder the ex wife is getting miffed.

Well hes OPs husband, if OP getting miffed with it well thats her horse she's backed and she can take it up with him.

Such as so can the ex with the DH. If the ex is getting miffed with Op that's not reasonable. Ironically they would be on the same side if both had a issue with it.

You notice how I said parents (neither DM or DH is coming out rosy). OP has done diddly wrong, the parents are failing the kids they created.

But the fact remains this was all fine until baby was born. DM was happy with things as they were re parties/holidays until baby was born. Happy for them to miss out then ?

Also it was in ops post, contributed DH neither or is that conveniently forgotten ? I like how your suggesting that somehow DH has secretly paid for this by being present.

He doesn't sound like someone I would back but DM is angry at the wrong person

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@WinifredTheWondrous it's wonderess to me because I would be horrified at the thought of my Dd SM having to pay for my child's party or reduce what she does with her DC out of guilt.

I think that DP should be shutting this shit down. The guilt leaks and it's not healthy for anyone .

It's about equity not equality.[/quote]
Totally agree with you @candlelightsatdawn! It's about him doing more with his older ones. Not less with his youngest which is the only action he seems to be taking . Oh no! My older ones feel they are missing out. I'll stop at home instead of going on holiday. That'll fix it

He sounds shit tbh. Op sounds lovely.

I normally get accused of being all First Wives Club.

But this situation is dreadful. The solution according to your DH and his exW is either:

1. You treat your DC badly because they can't be bothered to treat theirs well.

1. You do their parenting for them.

If he can't be arsed to throw his DC a party then why on earth should you? He seems to literally think you should do his parenting for him.

My DC have a step mum who has a child with exH. I wouldn't have any problem with what you're doing and not see it as any of my business how you parented your DC TBH. The only time I was a bit miffed (but didn't say anything) was when they all went away on an expensive holiday to see exH's family in the USA. He's never taken our DC on holiday, despite promising to take them to Spain, Disney etc. and I know they would love to go & see their cousins.